I am a big believer in family
so my partner and i have been together for two yrs.
we are so happy together its crazy.
my issue is that my partners family are really harsh on me.
they come from a culture where women cook clean raise the kids serve the husband and never ask for help or complain.
i am from a culture which everyone participates in the household or ouside and we help eachother ect.
my partner doesn't 100% feel like he follows his families culture, he works and comes home helps out and on sundays he cooks breaky ect he's awesome. except when his family are around or get in his ear.
if they hear or see me ask him to get up and help they shake their head and start talking about how that's not how ita done.
My partner has said as long as we are happy it doesn't matter what they say, but these people will be my mother/father in law , sis in law ect and as i said i lm a big believer in family.
i clean and cook and do all the things I'm supposed to but to the in laws its not enough.
should i suck it up cos this is the family I'm chooaing or stand my ground.
i want to be the perfect wife and please the family as a proper daughter in law but it juat doesn't aeem enough..
opinions please
5 Replies
Im afraid your going to have to learn to let the comments slide like water off a ducks back. Your partner is right as long as the both of you are happy keep doing what your doing. Don't suck up just keep being yourselves! Family is important but that doesn't mean tying yourselves in knots to be something your not or squashing your own beliefs.
I agree with the above poster.
Try and think of it from the perspective of what role model do you want to set for your kids/future kids and go with that.
Perhaps when they come over and make rude comments just ignore or if extremely rude perhaps say that you appreciate their point however for the moment it is what it is and you'd appreciate if they'd refrain from making those comments in your house. In their house I wouldn't make any comments.
I've had an experience with in laws with differing beliefs. Partners dad is big believer of women doing house work and not having a brain. When we got a dishwasher he said why did we need one as we already had one (me). I just said that i'm not being the dishwasher because I work as much as his son so I'm not doing more work than him. He just laughed it off. It was fine that I was confrontational because that's his personality but in my ex's house (Italian) the men would be condescending and argue against that statement of which I wouldn't of made in their company. So I guess the point is stick up for what you believe in but you know the in laws so do it in a way that won't cause arguments.
Can I ask the nationality ie Greek, Italian, Indian, Latvian, Dutch, English? (Yes I know I'm going to get my head ripped off) but different nationalities have different norms. I am of Dutch, Latvian, English and Irish decent. My Nan on one side tried to make me a Lady and also tried to make me see that your man was your everything and you did everything for him (English) my mum encouraged me to be what ever I wanted to be and to have high expectations and that women did a lot but asking your partner to do something was ok too. Look your marrying the man not his family! if you can keep that in mind life will be easier. When his parents shake their head at you smile and make comments like
"thank you darling, ill pay you back later (and give hubby a little wink)"
or things like
"your such a good man, I really am lucky to have found you"
play it up make his dad feel like he doesn't do enough, make his mum jealous that her son is yours and he's a great man. make comments like
"I can't wait til I marry you, your going to make the best husband and father a woman can have"
even chuck in the line
"your mum did a great job raising such a great guy I hope our kids turn out to be as great as us" I'd play it up. I've seen it all lines like
"I'm so glad we don't live in the 60's anymore, the oppression of women was a horrible thing, I'm glad were allowed to have voices now"
"equality is such a good thing, our kids are so lucky to get to grow up in this generation"
his parents will soon learn you don't give a shit and they will get over it. Mothers seem to think that their sons need a new mother when they get married they don't they need a partner one that loves them very much and will do anything they can to make their marriage work. Besides once you have a baby (if your planning on it) his mum will try and be there and guess what you get to dictate who is there and if she's not nice you can always tell her to back off.
I have just been through the same thing but without the cultural reasoning behind it. My partner came from a marriage where he did everything and his ex was a pig.
My partner and I work together to get things done and we are happy in our relationship. He stood up to his mum and told her to back off and basically to keep her mouth shut.
I'm a big believer in family too. My family. My husband, my children and I.
I do not do things the same as my sister. I do not do things the same as my mother and I may not do things the way my in laws assume I should.
But in my family we are equal. My husband and I are raising our children together. We are a team. We help each other with the cooking and cleaning and we both work. Anyone elses opinion on how it "should" be done are irrelevant because this is how it works for us. Does it make me a useless mother? Hell no! Does it make me a crappy wife? No way!!! Am I failing as the perfect daughter-in law, sister or daughter? Ummm nooooo!! And even if they all think I am pfffft, because I KNOW our little family unit is HAPPY and it works. Ignore their comments lovely. They will eventually get over it just keep doing as you are and stand your ground. You are not here to please your In laws.