IMQ: Partner lying about getting a credit card

Anon Imperfect Mum

IMQ: Partner lying about getting a credit card

Hi everyone. I would like another perspective please. I'm a studying SAHM & have been for 2 years now. My partner is a dedicated dad, a loving partner & a good, supportive provider. We live on one relatively low income plus a small amount of weekly money from an inheritance of mine (until I go back to work part-time later next year). I budget carefully & we are left with $39 to spare at the end of the week for treats or whatever we've gone over in the weekly spend ;) Today a bulky piece of mail came for my partner from his bank. The envelope had come unsealed during postage & arrived open. I peaked inside (yes I know it was wrong but I did it anyway) to discover my partner has been approved to have a credit card with a limit of $2k. He hasn't talked about getting a CC with me. I sealed the envelope the way it should have come sealed & left it for him (looking back I don't know why I sealed it - it would have made this all much easier. I don't think I wanted him to know I looked as I felt guilty for looking & betraying mail etiquette). Later, I asked him it what was from the bank & he said that he had made some changes to his account to get cheaper fees & that it was information about the new status of his account. I told him I felt as though he's always very secretive about his finances in that he didn't talk to me about thinking of making the changes & he blew right up at me telling me it 'was all in my mind', etc & banged on about trust or lack of it on my behalf, that he hands over whatever amount I need each week, & that he never grills me about our accounts (& he never needs to because I leave the statements on the bench & the budget open on the computer for him to look at any time he likes) etc, etc. Apart from the fact I know what it really is, his complete unexpected over-reaction told me that something isn't right. I've caught him out before lying after a huge unwarranted over-reaction made me suspicious enough to do some more investigation. Anyway, before I met him he was shocking with money. No savings. Mega debt. Nothing to his name. (& I'm not convinced he didn't have a gambling problem but he does deny this). He came to live with me (I was financially well set up, house, furniture, car, no debt, etc) with his clothes, a bed & a washing machine. It took him 4 years to clear it all up (his money not mine) & then another 2 years (me working full time) for us to get into a comfortable position with money set aside (now our money) for bills, savings & holiday accrual for him so we can pay ourselves when he doesn't work, is sick or wants a week off (he's a casual employee) & to be in a position to be able to afford to live off one & a bit incomes for awhile. I don't know why he even thinks he needs a credit card? We eventually get everything he/I/we want even if it takes a bit longer. For starters I don't know where he's going to get the money to pay off a CC. We already have one that we use & it clears every month so we don't pay interest. I suspect he will only pay minimum off the interest for whatever he racks up. He's not getting any overtime lately for any extra money, nor is it looking likely. I can't think what he could possibly be wanting to buy that he'd need a credit card for over and above the one we have, unless it's for nefarious purposes (& before you suggest maybe it's for an engagement ring, he claims to have already bought me one & is just waiting for the right time to pop the question). Plus him having one will affect our credit ratings if we were to go for a loan if any sort (if he admitted to having it).... I'm really worried that he's going to get us back into financial debt again.... But, is his bank account (in his name only) any of my business over and above what he provides me each week with his pay? How do I say I know about the CC approval without giving it away that I've peaked at his mail? Do I say anything about the CC or do I just let it be, ignore it & hope for the best? Another perspective would be grand TIA.

Posted in:  Relationships & Marriage, Men's Business, Money

8 Replies

Clare Johnston

It is your business! Are you in a partnership with him, or are you just living with him? You work as a team in a partnership, money and all. I know what you are getting at with the mail, but just tell him the truth and explain the same as you have to us.

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Charmaine Henderson

It's totally your business as his financial health is currently linked to yours. Be reasonable when you bring it up though as he could really have a genuine purpose. My partner had one of those GE credit cards, bad news that one and for such a little bit that he actually got to spend it got out of control pretty quickly. I ended up having to spend my holiday savings to pay the damn thing out so we could get our home loan. On the other hand I have a credit card, not because I need it, but because it's useful for emergencies. I use it to pay my insurance each month to keep it active but it's there in case the car dies (or as happened yesterday - 4 days before Xmas and the bloody washing machine has kicked the bucket). Not a particularly great strategy for someone not that great at managing money but like I said, in his mind there could be a valid reason.

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Elizabeth Gully

You know what tell him truth. ..I,m sorry but it's your child's future. Okay your good with money he,not .. What can I say.. If I get the mail in I open if hubby get sit in ,he opens. Not personal letters though now with email. We do not have that... Hubby and me know each others pass words. And have a joint account. ..I shop on line. At Woolworths ask him to have a look. And if he needs anything. . It's not hard to be honest with some one. .. You live a clean honest life

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Trinette Matsen

Ummm I open my husbands mail all the time?!? And he would open mine. I know you aren't married yet but you live together, share finances and have a child - surely there should be no secrets by now.
I'd probably just give it a bit of time. You don't know what he needed the money for - good or bad. I'd wait until the statement came in the mail and open it to see what he has used it for.

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Erica Skippings

Just say it. Call him out on his lie. Yes, he might be pissed about you opening his mail but the financials are a shared responsibility in your household, so you're entitled to know what is going on. Then make him cut the card up on the spot, call the bank and cancel the card
Immediately. My husband had an enormous credit card debt when he met (poor love didn't realise he actually had to pay the money back *eyeroll*) and it's taken us almost 7 years to sort it out.

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Anon Imperfect Mum

My partner was like this. I found out a couple of yrs into relationship he had a gambling problem. We've been through a lot counselling and having breaks in relationship and been together 7 yrs now and things have improved not completely but a lot better. I always asked questions and gave him a chance to tell me truth but if he didn't I would just come straight out with it and he would eventually tell me truth. Your in a committed relationship so there should be no secrets especially about money that affects the whole family. Good luck to you :)

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Anon Imperfect Mum

I would try to bring it up where you are just asking nicely, and mention you know that he applied. Don't say how unless you have to.

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Kristy Hegarty

I'm thinking if he can lie easily about that, maybe he lied about already purchasing your engagement ring that you don't yet have and is feeling the pressure to get one for you rather than confess he never bought it? Could you 'accidentally' come across the credit card in his wallet while getting out some money for something and ask rather than confront him about opening his mail because clearly that's an issue for you if your re-sealing it in hopes he didn't find out that you opened his mail?
Secondly, are you sure he has actually applied for a credit card when you were opening his mail in haste and the shock of what you think you might have seen? I have letters sent to me all the time saying 'you have been approved for a $2000 credit card, please sign here' and it's not that I've applied, it's that the bank wants to throw money at me to get into debt.
Best of luck.

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