I've just seen a question posted on Facebook from a soon-to-be mum who has found out the gender of her baby and has asked for help with dealing with her feelings of disappointment, and I can honestly say I am disappointed in so many unhelpful answers.
So many responses with the same sentience; "get over it" "stop being selfish" "be happy with what you have". None of these are helpful to the IM.
Imagine these answers coming from your own partner and coming onto this forum asking for help, your answers would be "he's a pig" "what an asshole" "don't let him tell you how to feel". How are your answers any less piggish, assholey or over bearing?
This goes for so many responses to questions. If a larger IM asked for help as she was struggling with her weight there would be an uproar if anyone dared to say "you're lazy" "just stop eating" "think about all the people starving in the world".
Whenever you have an urge to provide a response to any IM's looking for support, stop and think, if you answer in a tone that you would not appreciate receiving in kind, then don't answer at all. Yes there is some help in "harsh truth" however think about the wording in how you are delivering it. There are harsh words/truths that can be delivered in a kinder and more respectful way.
Also I don't believe that always shouting "counselling" is the answer. Sometimes IMs just need some help, tips or a kind word
Remember the old saying; if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.
10 Replies
Sorry but if she didn't want responses of what women honestly thought, then a post like that was definitely not the way to go. Surely she knew there were going to be women who felt that way? Some women can't have kids so of course they feel that way! I honestly believe it was selfish too. A woman who can't have kids would do anything to have a child and all that woman cared about was that her baby wasn't a girl/boy like she wanted it to be. Some women would do anything for just a healthy baby no matter what sex. Gender disappointment syndrome is just another pathetic 'diagnosis' that shouldn't even exist. It should just be called 'selfishness'. Don't like my honest opinion? Oh well. How would you feel if you couldn't have a baby?
Yet she didn't ask for opinions, she asked for help in getting over her feelings. She understood she needed to get over it. What would be the response if someone said get over it you can have more kids to someone who miscarried? There would be world war 3 over that comment. While this IM has not physically lost a child, she has lost the child she thought she was going to have. Maybe have some compassion. Mental distress is jus as unforgiving as physical.
Let me ask you if your partner have you an apple for christmas... Would you feel anything other than pure gratitude???? Does that sound like fair comparison? No? Tell that to someone who is starving and has no idea where the next meal comes from....
You can't compare one persons situation like that...
It took me 4-5 months to be ok with my unexpected pill pregnancy, and you can't compare me to friends who had to use ivf successfully and unsuccessfully
You're right, you can't. But it still doesn't give you the right to discredit her feelings. A baby cries when it's hungry. Do you say get over it, you're not starving. No. You feed them as this is the worst pain that they've felt In their short life. This IM has lost something precious to her. Does the pain of this loss, not matter how slight in the opinions of other's lessen her feelings? No, it doesn't. This post is to say don't disregard someone's feelings and make them feel worse than they already are. Help them up, don't keep them down.
Yes yes yes to everything you wrote
I agree 100%. We don't know for certain why she feels this way. There may be an underlying factor such as her inability to have more than one child etc. The post stated to not pass negative judgement, so if you're judgement is going to be negative and unhelpful - shut up and keep scrolling. Clearly, the girl the is in pain and going through something RIGHT NOW for which she needs support of the positive kind. There is nothing to say that once she holds her child, she will not be elated and happy that the baby is hers. I think some people just can't help give their honest and unhelpful advice...if you can call it advice.
Everyone is different. If you think her situation is stupid and she is being selfish...that's fine but IT DOESN'T HELP HER.
Seriously no matter what the situation you can not honestly make a huge decision like bringing a child into the world without considering how you'd feel with either gender.
I commend her for making an effort to get help but the post broke my heart as it "felt" like she was ungrateful where as I'd give anything for a child no matter what gender. I think mums were getting emotional because they perceived her disappointment as being selfish or ungrateful or wanting a child for the wrong reasons.
I hope she got some good advice and will help her be a better mum but she couldn't expect that some mums wouldn't be triggered by what she was saying. After all we are all human and we all feel things differently.
My feelings are just as valid as hers and mine are extreme resentment at a mum who has everything I want and she doesn't seem to appreciate it but instead posts like she's got the wrong accessory.
It's easy to see her post as grief but those judging those who were upset and triggered by her post, should have some compassion for those of us grieving for what we can't have but she's disappointed that she does have.
There were allot of comments, and I admit that I didn't read them all. But is it too much to ask of those who were triggered to provide some advice on how they overcame their grief of loss instead of simply saying "you're selfish" or "think about all those who have lost or can't have a child"? Admittly my loss is inly equal to hers as I have and still am to a certain point grieving over the loss of never having a daughter. So I cannot say if it is too hard (or not, just only enough to ask) to ask for this advice from someone who has lost an actuality rather than a possibility. As I said above, harsh truths are required, but the delivery needn't be harsh.
Assuming my baby will automatically be healthy is naive and unfair. I've read the comments, yes there are cruel things that have been said, but I'm thankful for all the friendly advice. You don't know me or my life. My first (same gender) was a very sickly baby, a lot of medical intervention, ICU, surgery, physio, knocking on deaths door. Watching such a small baby suffer and not being able to anything to help or comfort (for months) is not something I'd like to live through again, yet in reality there's now a high chance of that happening. Please excuse my feelings of disappointment, I'll be thinking twice before I ask for help again.
Life is a test, sometimes it likes to kick you while you're down, I hope no one ever treats you like you're unworthy or undeserving when you're in a fragile place. - please note this is a generalised statement.
Also thank you to those helpful commenters. I will be speaking with my midwife. There is nothing I want more than to be able to bond with my baby.
My comment on facebook came across as harsh but it was just what I thought might help. When im upset about something I do think of those less fortunate and it does help me to work through whatever issues im having at that point in time. Also getting counselling is the only thing I could think of that would also help. I was cranky at that point in time so I wasn't being nice to anyone. Just straight to the point. Hope you feel better.