My husband and I have 1 child and we had said all along that we would have 2, I want 2 he didn't mind either way. I went off the pill in January when we decided that we would try for another child. About a month ago we sat down and had a chat and he's decided that he doesn't think we could afford another child as they grow up. Not that we couldn't physically pay the bills if we have two children, but that we wouldn't be able to offer then every opportunity they ask for - motor cross, swimming, self defense all the usual hobbies kids might want to try - my thing is it's ok to say no, we can't afford everything. Since our chat we haven't been intimate at all. We don't have sex all that frequently due to an injury to my husband, but it has just stopped and not for my want of trying to initiate it. This has me thinking and as I go back through my memory I noticed that even previously when we did have sex it always seems to be when I would be at my least fertile. And not when I would have a chance of falling pregnant. I seriously am beginning to think that my husband (who's not silly at all) has my cycle worked out and just avoids sex when I'm likely to fall pregnant. It's like he's cheating his way around getting what he wants. His theory is we have one perfectly good child, why do you need another.
My problem is I have a deep yearning for another child that he doesn't understand, I feel almost depressed when firstly I get my period, and secondly I feel my body ovulate knowing that I have been shrugged off yet again. It's all accumulated to me currently laying in bed after midnight, crying as my husband has yet again rolled over without even saying good night.
I don't know how to get this across to him without sounding like I'm accusing him of something. What would you do? How would you approach this topic with your partner? I feel as if all my logical rational thinking has gone out the window and I'm starting to obsess over this issue, going to bed at night has become almost an anxious time for me. I don't like the person I am becoming and I don't know what to do.
4 Replies
Firstly, get back on the pill. I know that will be hard for you but now is definitely not the time for getting pregnant. If you do get pregnant at some point it is something you want to do together not TOO him. You don't say how old you are? He has every right to control his own fertility just like we have the right to not be forced into pregnancy if we don't want it. It is disappointing when we can't have something we really want but you can't let it obsess you. It's time to look at your motivation for having a baby and perhaps marriage counseling to help you work through this. Getting pregnant now will probably destroy your relationship.
I really feel for you I had started to get my self use to the fact I may only ever have one child ( I wanted 4) my partner isn't switched on to my cycle enough for that but he pulled out EVErY single time, even when I was on the pill.
I explained to him that I understand that you may only want one , but it's very painful for me to go from wanting four plus kids to cep ting one... And I'm even prepared to do that for you and let my wants go if he was prepared to really listen to how it affected me, and what I wanted if we only had one (constant travel, easy come and go jobs ect ect)
He eventually came round to the idea of two we fell pregnant then misscarried now we were still trying but I have put it off till next year and seriously considering only one!
I don't know why I went into the big story I guess to show you that if you had told me that's where my thoughts would be 2 years ago I'd have said get real! Ha but compromise and acceptance from both parts has gone a long way for us and we are both content with whatever will be now, I won't prevent a second pregnancy but I won't track my ovulation and "try" an he will get the snip if we do fall with a second
Good luck I know how hard it is every month in your position
Helping to see so so many benefits of one child really helped me come around (over a few years!) to the idea
So much freedom and more money but still all the joys of having a child! So easy to get someone to babysit one child one set of clothes one set of school feeds one extra month airplane tickets so much cheaper.
I still do have a part of me that longs for a second but every few moths that pass I'm more ok with the idea of one to
Maybe just try to let it go? It's given me so much peace , he knows we are not preventing it but he knows I'm not in any way trying
Good luck hugs to you xx
Depends on the depth of your want I reckon. I've desperately wanted babies - enough to leave a marriage if I couldn't get them with a partner. Children aren't just children. They're everything in my opinion. As we go through life our children get married, and have children. And we become matriarchs of many generations. I couldn't have accepted 1 child. Figure out your priorities. Once you know what's most important then you'll know what to do. If I was with a man that wouldn't give me more kids id end up hating him anyway.
I can very much identify with your comments. Our problems are compounded by both of us having fertility issues and IVF being our only potential for kids. Counselling is definitely important for you both - you need to understand the deeper issues he has - maybe there are other things like worrying about the extra pressure on you as a couple especially if he has seen how sad you are presently. Some of it might be that he misses the intimacy you had that wasn't focused on creating a life - to be fair, he loved you first before a baby (and men are wired differently anyway because they don't carry the baby). My counsellour told me for a woman it doesn't matter if she has two and always wanted three, or has one and wants two or none etc. The sense of loss is the same so you aren't alone and nor should you feel any guilt for wanting to extend your family. But by the same token, his desire to have another baby also isn't a guarantee you will have one. If it ends up being that you don't for whatever reason, you are entitled to grieve and doing so can help with moving on. I'll stress it's not closure - the feeling hasn't gone away for me but I can find a level of acceptance of where my family is at. I really do hope you find a resolution and wish you many happy times in the future whatever the number of your family.