Tonight I researched the best ways to kill myself. I have a constant feeling like I don't want to do this (my life) and it gets so overwhelming that I can't sleep or think about anything else. I've reverted back to cutting myself to reduce the pain but even after doing this I'm still feeling terrible. I'm still considering the tools I need to succesfully kill myself and what days would be the best to complete this.
I don't know what else to do...I see a psychiatrist and saw the doctor today who upped my meds, I do counselling for my depression and relationship, I talk to my close friends/family but yet it doesn't help. What else can I do? I love my daughter to bits and I know in my head that it's best that I'm here for her but I don't know how else to cope. I struggle every single day and I'm really trying my best to get rid of the urge but I don't know what else to do.
8 Replies
Hang in there it does take time but you can get through it. If you think you are in danger of acting on your urges please ring 000, or present to the emergency department at your local hospital
I was just like you honey and I struggled tremendously for a long long time. One day my doctor looked me in the eye and said "you have a little girl, and taking your life will be the most selfish act you could do to her, kids who loose their parents to suicide grow up having a lot of problems...she needs you"...it was harsh but true and it was the wake up call I needed. I decided to stick around for her even if if it meant living each day in pain and I am so thankful I did because now I've made it to other side of this journey where I'm so happy and grateful to be alive. I look at her and can't imagine what me taking my life could have done to her spirit. You need to stick around and keep fighting. Don't give up just yet.
PLEASE keep seeking advice/help. Your daughter would be devastated without you.
My brother committed suicide back in 2001, I was 17 & it has always weighed heavy on my heart & that is after I saw someone (it did make it easier to deal with but the pain never fully goes away).
Look into your daughters eyes & you will find a reason to keep pushing through.
What about going to a support group with other people who are going through or have gone through what you are??
You matter, You are special & Your life is worth living
Please don't do anything...I wanted to kill myself because I felt so helpless but my girls are the reason I get up every morning....you do matter!!
Firstly, great job mumma! Putting up your hand saying I need some help is a great step in the right direction. It's going to take a series of these little steps to recover from feeling this way. I was in your shoes a few years ago also. Doing that same google search. It's great tha you have an appointment with a professional but don't feel afraid to put other things in place too. This is my list that helped me make it through
1. Create a support network. I've heard a number of times following suicide that 'if only they knew we were there' there are a whole bunch of people ready to help you. Tell your friends and family, they can keep watch on you and go through this rough time with you so you are not alone
2. Wren you are in a more positive mind frame (more likely in the morning after a sleep) write a list of 10 positive things worth living for. So when things feel really bad, you need to look at that list, there will always be one thing on that still worth living for.
3. Make a promise to yourself that before you do anything to end things that you will call one person in your support network for a chat about it first. You could also use lifeline or beyond blue for this
4 prioritise your mental health. Take time off work (Get a certificate from doc), have someone move in to help with kids. Simplify life so this is your time to focus on you.
5 say YES to help. It is an illness and a serious one. If you had cancer you would accept help, say yes to help from professionals and your support network.
I could tell you not to worry and things will be ok, but I know from being there covered in a darkness that it needs more than someone just saying that. There won't be a magical fix which is instant. Focus on the little goals each day, even if it's get out of bed one day, go for a walk to the park the next. Step by step. This is what is going to help and with time those lows are not going to be as low. And you do have the potential to be ok again, just be gentle on yourself in your expectation in doing so.
If you are ever at the point that your life is immediately at risk, call 000. You would call them if someone else threatened your life, I can assure you they would prefer that call than one of the later.
You WILL overcome this and be a survivor like me
Please , think of your child . Don't do it . Check yourself into a clinic somewhere . Don't allow yourself to be left alone . There is hope.
Have you told your doctors you are thinking about suicide?
If not do so immediately. Or go to your nearest hospital.
About 8 years ago, I washed down whatever pills I could find with a bottle of Vodka. I spewed everything up 10 minutes later, 5 minutes after that a friend happened to show up unexpected to check on me. I hated life, I hated myself, I just didn't want to be alive anymore.
I am now in a wonderful place. It took years of therapy and medication to get there. I found hypnotism worked wonders. It helped me find the things that had triggered my depression, anxiety and eating disorder and so I then knew what to work on in order to get better. Please, please tell your Doctor you are having suicidal thoughts. Things can only get better if you are still around xx