Sorry for the massive essay just a bit of background...
I've suffered depression (mostly untreated) for almost 14 years. There were years where I was ok and then suddenly it would hit me and the spiral into depression would commence. When I was younger I would cut myself to help cope but stopped it after several years as I needed stitches after one time so people found out. At the worst, although not attempting suicide, I have made a plan of how to kill myself. One of them (about 8 years ago) was to crash my car into a tree and I knew exactly which tree it would be.
I only started receiving treatment for the depression when I had my baby 18 months ago. It was mainly for postnatal anxiety. I felt incredibly bad as I was constantly worried about my baby sleeping and that if she got upset I wouldn't be able to calm her and she'd die (irrational fear now but it felt normal then). I needed my mum around me almost all the time, if she left for an hour or more I was anxious. Hubby wasn't great because he wouldn't help settle baby or even take care of her until she was about 8 months old. Now he's great with her. Treatment for the anxiety and pnd was in the form of cognitive behavioural therapy and antidepressants and it was the meds that helped.
After meds the anxiety left, I felt confident, happy and strong. 6 months ago I overstepped a line in our relationship (no not sleeping with another person or emotionally cheating but the flirting line was crossed and with a man I need to see constantly for work). Previously we had relationship counselling for husband being too physical and us falling out of love with each other. The physical was mainly the not allowing me to leave the house, taking phone away, pushing me, sitting on my chest so I couldn't breathe, hands gripped around my neck, threatening to break my arm if I didn't do what I said and hurting my arm. He hasn't been physical in like 5 months however due to the overstepping line by me I went to see a doctor and psychiatrist about the change in myself. My symptoms are now those of bipolar which may be triggered by antidepressants.
I've been asked to wean myself off lexapro of which I have done but am hating it. I am now constantly depressed and feeling weak. Before I felt I could leave husband if he was physical again because my baby is number one but now I feel like I'm reverting back to my old depressed self who was thankful for having my husband despite him being rough on the rare occasion and quite controlling (only the physical side when I was pregnant). Don't get me wrong, my baby is and always be number one, but whilst depressed I'm more accepting of his behaviour and feel like I deserve it more. I want us to be a family because my daughter deserves a family. I don't love him anymore and I'm hoping that will change though.
I feel like if I stop my meds I won't be strong enough to leave if anything went wrong whereas I know if I'm on the meds I will have that strength however I know he thinks they will make me overstep that line again. I know a lot of you will say meds aren't the way. I've been to 3 psychologists for treatment and the depression isn't me being sad about one item or an event. One day you just wake up and feel an overwhelming sadness and the thought running through my head is that I just don't want to do it(live) anymore. Everything seems dull and even when you're doing something fun the thought that you're alone and the sadness is still there.
What would you do? Stay on the meds and potentially lose hubby? Or stop the meds, keep the family intact for baby (and then probably have a sibling for them) but likely allow hubby to abuse you (if it does happen in the future)?
8 Replies
Oh honey, I hope you find a solution. Firstly if you can get back into see your doctor do so asap. You need to tell your doctor everything you are feeling so they can help you come to a solution. Will you be off medication permanently or is the plan to start a new medication once you are weened off? I don't feel I can give you advice other than always put your mental health before your relationship. Your baby needs you more than your husband does.
But don't make any decisions without telling all of this to your doctor.
I'm very pro meds (currently medicated and have battled with severe depression and anxiety for many years). I think too many people dismiss the importance of anti depressants and push unproven natural therapies when the reality is these medications save lives.
It's possible these meds maybe aren't the right one for you anymore if you are experiencing unwanted side effects and perhaps talk with your doctors/psych about trying something new. It took me about ten medications before I found one that worked for me. I feel amazing, I'm social, I have no panic attacks, I can sleep - and I'm not willing to go back to how I was before the medications. I would not be here today without them.
It sounds like your husband has a genuine fear but has irrationally attributed the flirting etc to medication. Perhaps compromise with a medication change but I don't think you should have to sacrifice your personal happiness and stop legitiment treatment for a legitimate illness and have to live with an abusive partner.
From an outsider's point of view, the most sensible and obvious thing to do would be to continue on the meds. If that means your husband leaves you, then even better. He sounds awful - I'm sorry for saying it so bluntly. If my husband ever had his hands gripped around my neck, sitting on my chest, or any of the other frightening things you mentioned, he would be shown the door. While I applaud you for seeking counselling and being proactive in your relationship and mental health, I do not believe that a violent man such as your husband deserves to be given any more chances. Your daughter is only 18 months old, she is young enough for a breakup to be acceptable to her. She will not remember it when she's older. But if you don't leave him now, you may find yourself finally being strong enough to leave him a few years down the track when it will be more difficult for your daughter. I'm no expert, but breakups are much harder on older children who have a greater understanding of what's going on and start blaming themselves etc. Just go back on your meds, seek better medical and psychiatric management of bipolar (as the treatment is different to depression) and get yourself stable and strong again. Your daughter will thank you in years to come - no child wants to see their father with his hands wrapped around Mummy's neck. I wish you all the best, big hugs xo
I agree
I have been in a very similar situation to you.
Been battling Major Depression, Anxiety and Bipolar since I was a teenager. Unmedicated for many years.
Untill I had my son. When my son was 6 months his father became physically and mentally abusive. I like you wanted to stay with my partner so my son had the family he deserved. My depression plummeted so bad I tried to end my life. I had to make the decision. My son and I or him. I loved my partner even after everything he put our family through. But once my son seen the violence towards me I made the decision that day that our lives would be better with out him in it.
And it is. I'm still medicated. But my son and I are happy and safe. My advice is if the meds make you happier and stronger as a person. Please get back on them.
I hope u too can have the courage to leave your husband. And have a brighter happier future with your daughter.
The best of luck to you.
Your daughter deserves a happy healthy family and that means u need to be well and not live with abuse. Please make her and you number one and take your meds and leave this man, HE is the problem here not you. There is no such thing as TOO physical, the first time he hurt you should have been the last. He is controlling you and now is trying to keep u unwell and under his control. Make a plan to go and as soon as you are back on the meds GET AWAY. You will find a loving caring man who will give you and your daughter safety and love and more kids in the future xxx
Maybe you would do better on different meds. By the sounds of it these seem to be working well for you. Any form of abuse is never acceptable. No excuse for it at all. What would you be telling your daughter if she was in this situation. I'm sure it wouldn't be to stay and have more children.
Firstly, big hugs to you. Only people who have been through depression and anxiety themselves really understand it. I am one of them, depression and anxiety for most of my life and I started on lexapro also once I had my own baby as I also had post natal depression. It sounds like you have had a similar journey. Sometimes you have to try a few anti depressants before you find a fit. If you are feeling up and down and a little crazy then they might not be helping or you may need a dose increase. Most important thing is to see your doc, find a good one who cares. They will help with medication and can also set you up on a mental health care plan where you can see a psychologist or counsellor bulk billed or very cheap. Tell the gp and psych all of what you have posted, as the treatment you have described from your partner is abuse. Please dont be so hard on yourself, it is not easy to admit such a thing, esp when a child is involved. But ask yourself, would you want your child to put up with that from their partner in future? I have just left an unheathy marriage myself and funnily enough, my anxiety has dropped and depression is gone. I would not recommend adjusting your dose or stopping until you see yor gp - especially lexapro, I tried and it was awful coming off. Your next steps need to be monitored carefully with a team of people who can help you through this. Remember, be kind to yourself and you are not alone. Xx