I am a single mum. I am also stuck with an ex whose idea of responsibility is to allow all of his bills to build up to the point where a speeding fine ends in suspension of his licence, and my being stuck with 24 month contracts to pay etc.
Now i have shouldered this, and the financial responsibility for my child, including all education costs, excursions, medical, i have have health insurance (extras only) and i manage well enough to put a small amount into his bank account each week.
I have no problem with this. He is my child so who else should do it? in my opinion, only me. And i am quite happy to be the one to pay these things so long as my child benefits.
Of late however, my ex has started benefitting as well from my benevolent personality. He pushes everything until there is nothing left to give and then asks more.
How do I make him take responsibility for his own messes, instead of making me foot his bill as well as my child's. I can't take the stress anymore, i am getting close to falling into depression again, but because i want my son to know his father, i keep giving in. I take his crap, so my son doesn't know how stupidly irresponsible his father is, and its finally taking its toll on me. (my son is 4 by the way, too young to understand the concept of adult responsibility yet)
So my question is How much is enough? And how much is too much? And most importantly how do i spare my son the disappointment (because i have never know my ex to not disappoint in some way) without being the "mean mum" and depriving him of his father?
I am seeking help this week for the depression (it has only just come to my attention in the last couple of days) and i am seeking legal advice too, I have tried expressing my feelings in this, and been ignored. I have even tried getting angry but it is a never-ending cycle of improvement then disappointment again. I just wonder if anyone has managed to fix a similar situation without completely destroying the child's innocence and love for the other parent?
7 Replies
I'm sorry for you and your poor son. My simple answer is that what you have already done is too much. You say that you don't want to disappoint your son, but as long as you keep bailing out your ex, he will never learn or start to look after himself. So unless you are prepared to bail him put for the rest of your life, then now is the time to stop. He will either learn to stand on his own two feet, or he will fall flat on his face, which is not your responsibility. Be a good role model for your son by teaching how to look after himself and not expect others to look after him. Teach him that both his parents love him and care for him. Don't bad mouth your ex, but don't make excuses for him either. Teach your son that no matter what his father does or does not do, you will always be there for him. How your child will grow up to feel for his father will not depend on you and your actions, but his father and his actions - which is the way it should be. There may be disappointments, but your role is not to shield him from them, but to support him when these occur.
I dont bail him out. I only deal with the fallout after he makes a stupid mistake, and it affects my son. He still has not paid the fines or bills, and owes me a substantial amount of money. (my post by the way obviously lol) I don't badmouth my ex, except occasionally to use the basics of a situation (removing the name of the ex) as a lesson.
I would stop bailing your ex out, he really needs to man up and take responsibility for his actions!! You need to think of your son and you as it directly impacts on the both of you each time you are bailing him out. Just cut his financial support off, he wont like it at all, but he needs to stand up and get his own financial affairs into order and not you continually doing that for him. I wouldnt bad mouth him in front of your son, I would just remain neutral when discussing him as he doesnt need to hear about those issues when he is so young. All the best to you in sorting this out.
You are not your exes mother. He needs to start taking responsibility for himself. Your priority should be to look after yourself and your child. You sound like you are very sensible and strong. You can do it :-)
this is my post. i stopped paying his bills. However i am stuck with the phone and internet as everything is in my name. I do not pay for anything for my ex. I just have to deal wight he fallout when he does not pay them himself. In this case he has no licence until such a time as he pays his fines, which means i am expected to do all pickups and drop-offs. I don't bail him out. Major misunderstanding here. I am not paying for his stuff, nor am i bailing him out, i just go out of my way to accommodate with contact. I believe that my son should not suffer because of his fathers irresponsibility. however it is now getting too much and i am in need of advice on how to make him stand up to his responsibility.
It sounds like what you're actually asking for is advice on how to change your ex and get him to do what you want him to do -what you see as his responsibility as a dad. The bottom line is, you can't change a person. You can only control your own actions and emotions. He has no licence, so if you stop doing the run around, he will have to find another way to get transport to see his son or he won't see his son. In this situation, you only have two choices. Keep doing what you've been doing and stop letting it bother you OR stop doing the transporting and leave it up to your ex to decide if he wants to make the effort to see his son. If he doesn't bother to make the effort, you either stick to your guns or you go back to running around after him again. If you decide to stop transporting and your ex doesn't see your son for a while, your boy will be fine. He has a great, loving mummy who obviously cares deeply for his welfare. Try to make your decisions based on what is best for both you and your little man. He will suffer more if your mental health suffers than he will if he doesn't get to see his dad for a bit. Good luck!
I would see a solicitor, get a parenting plan put in place and leave it up to him, yes it will be hard to see your son dissapointed and sad when his dad wont show (im guessing you do a lot of the drop off and pick up) but if you don't give his dad a chance to man up he never will.