How do you know when to leave? At what point do you make the decision to break up a family?
Long story short My Husband has a problem with borrowing money from easy lenders (eg. cash converters, nimble) sometimes for no reason than he wanted a bit of cash. His credit rating is stuffed (I don't think we'll ever get a house) and we have had to go back to seperate accounts because he kept transfering money out of our savings until there was none left ($10,000 gone in 6 months on crap!)
It is now looking like we can't afford to go to a family reunion that means the world to me and I'm devastated. I feel like it's the last straw and I made a mistake in marrying him. We have 2 little children in the mix but this having a terrible effect on our lives. I can't even look at him without resenting him a little. Besides this he is a very supportive husband and a fabulous father. I just don't know what to do anymore and I am embarrassed to talk to family and friends.
How do you know when to leave?
How do you know when to leave?
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Money
9 Replies
I think there are deal breakers in relationships.
Physical and emotional abuse are deal breakers. When someone has an addiction that they aren't seeking help for that's a deal breaker.
When someone continually puts your family in financial danger (different to living on a tight income) it is time to leave. It doesn't matter if he gambled the money away, bought drugs, wasted it on rubbish it's all the same! Unfortunately his debts are your debts so he is screwing you over as he does this.
Honestly I'd be disentangling myself from this man as fast as I could! You don't want to find yourself with a huge financial hole you can't get out of. The only way to do that is to leave him. Part of being in a family is putting the family financials ahead of your own, and he is financially living as a single man!
Protect your future honey
Ask him to get help.. If he doesn't then go..If he's got an addiction it needs to be dealt with.. Shopping is an addiction and he's putting it before ur needs. Big hugs x
I would be seeking help before just up and leaving. It's terrible what he has done however I wouldn't leave over it unless he refused to get help. If he refuses then at least you tried.
Firstly I think know you truly know when it's time to leave when you don't want to fight to save your relationship anymore, when you look at him and think "yeah I kinda hate this guy and there's nothing anyone could say I should do or he should do for me to change that". Also when you keep coming back to the gut feeling it's over or like others said if he refuses to try and change then leave you'll probably be better off. Is it possible to gain more control over his money (so his pay goes directly into an account he can't touch). I think he needs help for the over spending I'm literally a shopaholic and I am in therapy because it's an addiction like any other and should be treated like one. I think you need to put yourself and the kids first though
Firstly I think know you truly know when it's time to leave when you don't want to fight to save your relationship anymore, when you look at him and think "yeah I kinda hate this guy and there's nothing anyone could say I should do or he should do for me to change that". Also when you keep coming back to the gut feeling it's over or like others said if he refuses to try and change then leave you'll probably be better off. Is it possible to gain more control over his money (so his pay goes directly into an account he can't touch). I think he needs help for the over spending I'm literally a shopaholic and I am in therapy because it's an addiction like any other and should be treated like one. I think you need to put yourself and the kids first though
Ok well I am here too. I feel like you are writing my story. I dont work so luckily I cant take out any loans. I opened up a secret bank account and he made me withdraw my whole $60 of sneaky saving from my fortnightly centrelink payments. he went through my phone and found out about it. Mine is also abusive. Not saying yours is or isnt but he has problems and sounds like he should be seeking help for them. And enless he sees there is a problem and doesnt want to accept his wrong behaviour and take action. You cant make him. Like mine. I am currently preparing the same. Except mine is abusive too. Unsure if yours is? Money is a huge factor in him isolating me and our family. Just look into his behaviour more please. This could be one thing of the big picture. X
Mine has maxed out all of our credit cards... he gambles. Not sure how often anymore... and he keeps trying to move the damn loans to different banks to the lower interest accounts. Drives me crazy! I have no control over our finances and this is financial control ^ I am the above poster. Just my added comment. Ask me anything if you need x
While I understand your feeling of resentment and distrust and generally feeling hurt, I honestly believe there are other options before leaving. You said he is a great husband and father, apart from this his drinking, which you also describe as episodic. Alcoholism is a disease/addiction, so I think if you can get the right sort of treatment (whether that's AA or something else that suits your family), that the answer is not to give give up and leave. Good luck with whatever you choose to do. Either option is not going to be easy, but coming from someone who also has great man for a husband and father, but who struggles with alcohol and other addictions, it is worth fighting for if that is what you both want.
It's over when you can't fix things... In your case he obviously has no interest in changing. What you are asking for is not too much - it is to better your family's future financially. If he won't deal with this then you will go nowhere fast. The other thing that indicated I was ready to leave was when I was no longer angry, resentful, hurt. I was numb and had nothing left to give the marriage. I was emotionless and to be frank "done". You can't fix this. It's him. Sit with him and have a candid conversation telling him what you need to continue being a family and that there is no more excuses or chances. Give a timeframe and stick by it. If he wants help be there. If not that's your answer! Good luck!