This is going to be a very long one, thanks to those who read it. When I was 3 months pregnant, my partner and I split up after being together for 3 months. (I got pregnant the night we started dating). We didn't talk to each other for a while and things were hard, however he made it perfectly clear that he wanted to be involved in our child's life. When I was 5-6 months I starting seeing an old school friend and it turned into a relationship. I thought I was in love, but I was just terrified of raising a baby alone at such a young age. This man turned out to be very emotionally manipulative and abusive. The father began to try to contact me, asking me if I could let him know when I was in labour so he could be there at the birth, things like that. I ignored him. Every text, every phone call I ignored. I didn't tell him when I had the baby, I even put my boyfriend's name on the birth certificate as the dad. Fast forward two months, I woke up to myself, took my daughter to meet her father, paid $700 for a DNA test and put his name on the birth certificate, and split with my boyfriend. Our daughter has seen her dad almost every week since then, and has spent two days per week with him since 10 months old. He is a very loving, caring, hands-on dad. She's now three, and her dad and his partner have had their first baby together. While I am very happy for them, I can see how happy he is and how in love he is with his new baby. My heart aches every time I see them or a picture on Facebook because all I can think of is how I robbed that precious time with him and our daughter. We have had discussions, I have apologized sincerely, and he says it's fine and he just wants to move past it. But how do I get past my crushing guilt? I hate myself so much, I wish I could go back in time and fix things. (Please no hate, I don't think I could take it). Though, I feel as if I deserve every ounce of sadness and guilt I feel.
3 Replies
I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. It would be very tough to get over the past but with time you will.
At least he is now in his daughters life. You could still be robbing him of that, so there's good in what you have done.
Don't beat yourself up, you were young, scared and thought you were doing what was best for you, and there should be no guilt in that.
Recognising it now would be enough for him, you can't go back in time no matter how much you try, so try not to beat yourself up too much... None of us are perfect :)
You're doing the right thing now, try stop dwelling and the guilt will fade. The more you see happiness the less it will hurt.
I am proud of you
Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn't know before you knew it.
Practice self compassion (a quick google on self compassion can really help you change the way you see yourself).
You know what? yes you stuffed up. But you have owned that and done what you can to make things right. You should be proud of yourself for having the strength to do the right thing. Also from my experience of being in a controlling relationship please try not to be so hard on yourself as it sounds to me like you were very vulnerable and your boyfriend at the time has taken advantage of this. You need to forgive yourself, know that you have learnt from this, and be proud of the future you can now give your child. big hugs mumma and be kind to yourself!