Hi IMs. I have a major family drama and I'm not sure how to resolve it. So my parents have major boundary issues - they expect to be involved in every aspect of my life. I've had major issues with them in the past visiting me whenever it suits them (ie staying at my house), with no regard for the fact that I might have other stuff on (as in they expect me to cancel everything when they want to visit).
I'm 31 and married and have been slowly working on getting some healthy boundaries in place with them. They "punish" me for not telling them intimate details of decisions and choices by refusing to talk about things that I haven't consulted them on. And what they don't know about at the time, never happened (for example, I was in labour for three days but they never acknowledge it and change the subject if it comes up because they didn't know until I had had my baby). So here's the issue - our baby is the first grandchild. We went on holiday with them over Christmas. It was a major deal to go with them becuase we had to drive 10 hours. With a newborn. In summer. When we got there, they drove us completely mental - constantly touching our baby, talking to her, picking her up, even getting her out of bed when we put her down for a nap. They were constantly commenting on her - she's hot (and would take her clothes off even though I hate that and said not to), she's got a rash (she doesn't), she doesn't want a nap etc etc. it got to to point where I felt like I couldn't relax because I couldn't keep them away from my baby and she couldn't rest, and every decision/action was being commented on and criticised. What's worse, they made no attempt to accommodate us, so mum would go out for coffee at a moments notice and I couldn't go because I was due to feed, and they would serve dinner just as we started bedtime... One of the days we were there my dad got my baby out of bed during her morning nap. So she slept all afternoon. Which of course meant she was hard to get down for the night (before the holiday she was sleeping 7-7. During te holiday up in the night). My brother was laughing about it (he's 33) and when I said it wasn't funny he said "I'm just winding you up". I had totally had enough - this is my family!!! Where is the support?? So I ended up having a complete meltdown, told them the holiday was a nightmare and we left. I told them I need them to respect us as parents (ie if I put her to bed, don't get her up). I hugged them and stuff before I left, so it wasn't a "I hate you I'm leaving", it was more "I need to leave because we're not happy here but I still love you".
My husband says he sees it as boundary issues again - they see her as theirs and so they can do what they want. The fact that we are her parents and get to call the shots never occurrd to them.
Since then they have been ignoring me unless I contact them. Usually they would text or call regularly (ie daily). Now they don't. They make comments like "I hope she's good for you" (ie highlighting "you" not "us).
Long story... My question is, how do I get them involved again without the boundaries being really bad again? I feel like they're ignoring me so that I apologise and it goes back to their terms again. I tried emailing my dad and explaining how we felt. He just said "there will e bumps in the road, if you need help, ask for it"... Kids not the point.. Thanks for reading!!
How do I establish boundaries with my parents and my new baby?
How do I establish boundaries with my parents and my new baby?
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Behaviour, Baby & Toddler
5 Replies
Ok you can't have it both ways. You can't set boundaries and then expect them to text message you every day. You just have to accept they don't know or understand boundaries so you have to be the leader. So that means yob contacting them, doing all the inviting etc. you also have to set the terms eg it's ok if you want to stay but you have to understand I have x y and z on and if that's not ok them don't come. And if you can't follow my rules for the baby then you need to stay in hotel.
I certainly don't want daily contact, was just saying that it has changed dramatically - which is their way of telling me I'm in trouble.
You're right though - I need to lead it. It's just that it always ends up out of control, they overstep again, and I'm just not sure how to avoid having the same issues over and over... perhaps that's just how it is with these people!
Even if it's there way of letting you know they are annoyed isn't that a good thing, distance = good
I know exactly how you feel excect I live in the same suburb as my mum! She would visit 4 times a day and I had newborn twins and she would bring her work friends over to show the twins off and I was run off my feet exhausted and I felt like a side show. She never once helped, commented on EVERYTHING. I ended up having a meltdown and told her all the things she was doing that were driving me crazy, I told her I was being smothered. She backed off, and didn't contact me for about 3 days. Then I invited her out for a coffee...she was very quiet but evertually things got better. She now visits 3 times a week and never brings others.
My sister is due to have a baby in a few weeks....she lives a few hours away but I'm hoping that will help with the balance of things because she will spend some time over there. Mine are also the first grandchild.
I know your pain!
My mum was like this when my daughter was first born I ended up having a melt down she used to love telling me how to parent my child and anything she didn't agree on would get bitchy comments in the end I had a melt down told her I would parent my children how I wanted to she didnt talk to me for 2 weeks. In the end she got my brother to call me and ask me to call her, she was scared I would scream at her again. Now we talk twice a week. And she knows of anything big happens with the kids I will call her in due course.