Ok so sorry if this is long but I'm about to explode at my MIL!
So my partner and I weren't together long before I fell pregnant and things were all good with MIL before we had kids (I could tolerate all the bs) but since having kids she has just gotten worse and worse! My partner and I are non smokers but the inlaws smoke- they smoke inside and around kids (these kids parents seem to fine with this) we have told them they are not to smoke around our kids and to start with that was fine but it quickly fazed out so it got to the point we would just grab the kids and leave (they think it's ok to have a smoke while a child is sitting on their lap, standing just outside a door with the door open and the kids standing on the inside of the door having a smoke, they think its ok to smoke standing next to a child or holding them while outside and also that it'sok to smoke in a car with kids in there) they won't respect our decision for people not smoking around our kids and most times we see them it will turn into an argument because we get up and leave and they don't like it. Anyway next thing she tells us that dd is too pale, thin and isn't smart- none of that is true. she is a petite little girl as i was at her age and she is very advanced and smart. I try to tell her that 1 of our kids have learnt something new but instead of just saying great, that's really good she will just say so and so (another grandie of the sameish age) can do that whether they can or not. They won't come to see their grandies- they came here once after dd was born and the same when ds was born. They will only come around if they are coming to get something (to benefit themselves) and won't make any effort to come inside to say hi to me or the kids we have to go outside to them (I didn't realise they were even there one day so didn't go out and wasn't I the worst person in the world, she told the rest of the family how horrible I was not taking the kids out to see them etc) she will call and tell my partner we need to take the kids there to see them. She thinks its ok to swear I front of our kids, again we have asked them not to (and I mean words like the f & c words) she has straight out said to me that my partner is dumb- he is far from dumb! He one of the smartest people I know. They have got themselves into the situation that they don't have great 'things' and they are way over their heads in debt, but they expect their kids (partner has brothers and sisters) to help them out and lend them money and buy them good stuff for birthdays, Father's Day, Mother's Day, Easter and Xmas (really annoying as we don't buy presents for my family just a box of choccies or if I see something that I think my parents would really love and his patents waste their money on smokes, alcohol and gambling) and because we save and partner works his butt off so we can get the things we want we apparently look down on everyone else in the family and are up ourselves.(we don't and aren't) Every time we buy something like last year partner got a new car (he has never had a car worth more then about 5-7k just our family car) so we got soo many rude comments from them and now we are getting a new house (family has grown and we have outgrown the house we are in) so now were getting "how can you afford these things", "you're only getting a new house/car because my parents are rich" (which they aren't lol and we don't get money or anything from my parents lol). They are never just happy for us, the only time we hear from them is when they want something, when they demand my partner does stuff for them. Wow I could really go on for ever which I think I have, so sorry bout that! But what the hell am I ment to do? My inlaws are going to be in our lives forever :/ as much as I would love to cut contact to keep my sanity and make our lives easier I don't want to do that to my kids because they do love their grandparents but how can get them to understand that these are our kids and our life and they need to respect our wishes and keep their negative comments and opinions to themselves?!?
2 Replies
If a friend came to you for advice on this what would you tell them.
I think it might be best to stop all contact with them, it's for your kids best interests. They obviously don't respect yourself or your partner and what is that showing your kids, yes it will be hard but at the end of the day you have to put your family first
There are givers and takers in this world and those people are takers. They can take your money, time and energy but you are letting them to a certain degree. Do not give them anything financially you have your own family and I wouldn't be buying big expensive gifts for them either. Once you have kids they are the top priority and we all know how expensive they are! My advice is be matter of fact about things, for example say please do not swear in front of the children, that is not appropriate and if they keep swearing, leave. Smoking with children on their lap is not okay, state the facts. Please go outside to smoke, smoking is not good for ....... health. If they laugh it off, just leave. If you always have to visit them, limit the visits. I would not go as much. They will get the idea. You are a role model for your children. These people are very disrespectful but you can only tell them what you will or won't tolerate and they continue to disrespect you, then you will leave.
I hope this helps :)