He's abusive in every sense of the word. I've been choked out, raped, screamed at, thrown around, restricted, controlled, hurt.. The list goes on. He doesn't deserve me or my children. I have kids from another relationship and he treats them like shit. I've given up trying to make him see his abuse. I've given up on him. I cant even look him in the eye, he makes me sick. But I cant seem to let him go. Every time he does something awful I justify it. I make myself believe he still loves us, cares for us, needs us in his life. I see myself laying down for him to walk over and I allow it every time, and I hate myself for allowing this abuse to happen to my kids and myself. I hate him and I want him out of my life. But I love him and need him at the same time. How do I stop this awful cycle?
How did you strong people do it?
How did you strong people do it?
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Mental Health, Self Care, Parenthood Guilt, Kids
10 Replies
You walk. One step at a time. You know it's wrong. You do it for your kids sake. Ignore your brain, your feelings, go to auto pilot and do it. In time you'll remember how a happy home feels, how good inner peace feels, how nice calm is. Trust that you are crushed and broken right now and cling to the tiny piece left saying you can have better than this. Enlist all the help you can to help you on your way and cut him entirely. I hope you do it that's no way to live and your kids have no choice, they need you.
I grew up in a DV household. My sister and I saw our mother beaten, dragged around by the hair, kicked when she's down and far worse. 'Call the cops' she'd say to us.
We would run to the neighbours and call them. When they turned up she'd not press charges. Eventually we stopped calling the police - we'd run into the yard and find a corner and cry until we heard the screaming stop. This went on forever - until HE finally left.
My Aunty was also a DV wife. It was just part of her life. She must have been stronger than mum though because she did leave.
One morning she was in the bathroom cleaning her face up after another morning beating. The kids had gone to school but one of them came back because he forgot something. 'Dad beat you up again did he?' He asked as he walked past. It was a rhetorical question, he didn't wait for an answer just kept walking and got what he wanted and left. My Aunty said she looked at herself in the mirror, all bruised and bloody, and thought about how her own child thought this was 'normal' - what was she doing? She left and never went back.
When I married I had an abusive husband. He'd use objects to hurt me rather than his hands. Thrown mugs or whatever was handy. It wasn't his fault then. I should have ducked out of the way? That's what they're meant to be like though, right? I thought of my Aunty and told him I wanted him to leave. He locked me in the house so I couldn't leave. I got out. He came after me in our car and tried to hit me. I walked all night to a police station and they came back and took him away. I never went back.
This is not what life is meant to be. Life is meant to be lived with joy and love. You won't find it where you are.
You can do it. It will be hard but you can do it and you deserve it.
I think somewhere you stop allowing yourself to make excuses and you see what it's doing to your kids. When you make an excuse you have to say, that's not good enough for me and the kids and there is no excuse.
The biggest issue with DV relationships is that you truly believe you can't do it on your own, because that's what you've been conditioned to believe.
Doing it on your own isn't easy I won't lie, but once your confidence gets back on track and you gain momentum it gets much easier.
It's much easier with supports in place and coming from a place of knowledge so you know how the systems work put you in a much better place to recognise threats for what they are.
I think it's a good idea to start sneakily searching out services, getting legal advice (there are free services over the phone). Reaching out to DV support sevices etc. having the knowledge and leaving in a controlled way is much better than having to run in the heat of the moment (but if you have to do that it's what you do).
Awwww... I am also going through this :( not everyone understands. We can be brainwashed to believing and doing what they want. Your reacting normal to a huge amount of trauma. Its ok. The best thing is you are noticing its wrong. I am also noticing its wrong and mine wont change or see it either.
Have you reached out? I have and although I have been for over a year receiving help... I am still here living with the abuse. I am close to learning whats normal and not acceptable. My reactions are not crazy. Its his behaviour that is. I am taking amd have taken a huge amount of baby steps to get to the point of almost leaving. You need to plan leaving. MUST PLAN with an advocate through your womens centre. They have soooo many connections. Also no doubt to say HE WILL LOSE IT WHEN YOU LEAVE. you must get an avo out. You must talk to the police. Also be prepared the police can lay charges without your consent I found out. I will talk before I am absolutely sure to leave. I know I want to know if they are going to confront mine so I am prepared as to why I am telling you this. This is what I have been told. I have been connected with a legal aid solicitor free through the womens centre. I email her whenever I need and she has records of everything.
It is an addiction too for us. We are bonded to our abusers through trauma. Just keep taking baby steps if you cant get out. But in saying that I would say you are at extreme high risk of being harmed or sorry to say killed because you are being seriously harmed. same goes with yours kids. I have been told I am high risk and its not at your level yet. IT WILL GET WORSE.
One lady spoke to me on the phone and I was anonymous if they choke you GET OUT.Thats the step before they kill. We all know they snap and its not always the case to wait for this but she was obviously trying to set a strong line for me to understand.
Take in all the support. If you stay no doubt its not going to end well. If you leave YES there is the risk but we both need to take it. We cant be treated like this forever. I also cant bear to touch mine. How the hell are we meant to when they hurt us. Sex is repulsive.
I send you strength.
YOU ARE STRONG!!!
YOU ARE BEAUITFUL!!!
YOU CAN LEAVE!!!
I CAN LEAVE!!!!
WE ARE GOING TO BE HAPPY!!!
Please record take photos. I have set up a secret email. And I email them to myself. If its safe do that too.
Xxxxxxx
You do NOT need him... You are afraid of being alone, not without him... I get it, I've been there... You need to go... You need to realise that this is NOT how you want your kids to grow up... Do you want your boys thinking that's how you treat a woman? Your girls thinking that's what their husband's supposed to do? No... Leave... Go now... We all say "It's not that easy", but you know what? It is... Picking up and walking away is easy... Not going back is hard... Learning to love and respect yourself again is hard... Letting someone else in to your life is hard... Walking out is the easy bit... And then, do you know what happens? The kids start laughing again... They get cheeky... They become happy, regular little people... They stop hiding when a voice is raised... They stop running when dad/stepdad walks through the door... And you heal... You tell him, and yourself, that you deserve better... Eventually you believe it... You wake up in the morning and put your brave face on... You get on with it... One day, you realise you're better off... One day, you sit down and think "wow", you replay all the shit you went through, and you ask yourself why it took you so long... You ARE worth more... You DO deserve better... Your kids DESERVE to feel SAFE in their own home... He's a c$@+, and his behaviour will NEVER change... Get out, now... See a counsellor, speak to someone, and take your kids to one too... This isn't your DV alone, it's theirs too... Every day you stay, you're hurting them... Pack your bags, pile the kids in the car, and drive...
I have been here twice before the first relationship lasted 10years it was emotional abuse and when I told him it was over it turned violent. I had great support from my family and stayed with them until I found a place of my own. I quickly moved into another relationship this one was much worse I didn't want my children growing up without their mother so I documented everything he did and took it to the police. It was a rocky road and took me a good year to break free completely. Please use the resources available to you they truly are amazing. Gather birth certificates, drivers licence,clothes car keys, credit cards etc... Place them in a bag that you can grab quickly leave when you can and don't go back. See a counsellor they helped me a lot. Please realise you are stronger than what you think and they don't need you and you definitely don't need him.
I'm an imperfect divorced dad to 3 kids. You and your kids should not put up with him, I read your post and first thing came to mind is what's your address as I will come pick you and your kids up and take you away from that and get you the help you need to get back your feet. It sickness me when I read/hear that type of abuse
That is very sweet!
I realized one day he was going to go too far and kill me maybe by accident maybe on purpose but thst was where it was heading and i made a promise to my daughter gave myself a dead line and took steps i needed to meet that dead line and i did :)
You can leave for your children and yourself
Reading through your post only made me think of one thing. How could YOU do this to your kids. Shame on you for not putting your kids and yourself first. Get out of this relationship. Your kids will end up hating you for staying and putting them through this. Its people like your partner that we read about that kill the little kids they are around, and the mothers turns a blind eye to her kids being treated like crap and abused. You don't need a man in your life to complete you. Be happy with yourself, by yourself and look after your kids and get out of that relationship.