Hi fellow IM's,
I am after some advice. My heart is breaking as I write this. First of all, please no negative comments, I would just like some advice. I love my man with all of my heart, and I don't know how to help him, for a long time I didn't want to admit it, but now I can see he has a drinking problem. On Average he will consume 4-6 beers an afternoon, he has cut down a bit lately because I have complained, and also he suffers from gout. He is in his early 30's and is the most beautiful natured man I have ever met. He is fantastic with my kids, and has none of his own yet. We have been together for about 17 months, and admittedly, I have had some insecurity issues, which, has made things difficult, but he has stuck by me and slowly I am getting better. He is a loyal man, I am very thankful that he has no interest in straying, he loves me and I love him.
The beers are actually tallies also known as longnecks. So tonight he has consumed 9 tallies, which is almost 3/4 of a carton. He is drunk, at the moment, and when he is, he can change in an instant. Tells me stuff that I have apparently said, when I haven't even said it. When he is sober, he says oh I wouldn't say that. He has admitted that he says stuff when he drunk and doesn't know why he says it.
Tonight he was playing with the kids and was a bit rougher and my youngest daughter was like he's acting weird. I said he's had too many beers. When my children went to bed, my youngest daughter said, Mum, I don't like it when he's drunk.
My girls love him and I want to help him but I don't know how to. He has always been a heavy drinker, his ex girlfriend broke up with him because she couldn't handle his drinking. I don't want to leave him, I love him. I am just stuck as to what to do. I haven't spoken to my father for ten years as he is an alcoholic but also an arsehole. I tried to help him, but I got dirt kicked in my face so to speak every time I tried.
Things aren't good situation wise and that may contribute. He lost his license so can't drive, so he feels useless and also he currently isn't working, so that makes things worse. He is a hard worker, and loves to keep busy, so I can understand he would feel down.
When he is sober, he admits he drinks too much, but tonight, being pissed, he said he doesn't drink too much. I don't want to abandon this bloke, he is the best thing that has happened to me since the birth of my children. I know that he has to has to want to help himself before I can support him.. I stopped drinking because he said offhand once that I shouldn't drink because I started fights and that was true, and I know that I shouldn't drink, being on anti depressants, so I stopped drinking and to be honest, feel better for it. We both don't smoke cigerettes, or do illegal drugs, his beer consumption is the one big issue and he doesn't understand that my kids realise that he drinks too much. I can see he hurts and it breaks my heart. If he was content to drinking one or two beers, it wouldn't bother me...or even three...he just goes too far and I go to bed with a heavy heart or in tears
.Please fellow IM's, any advice would be grateful, I want this man to be in my life and for a long time. I am sorry for the novel....thankyou in advance.
6 Replies
I have been with a man I loved who has a drinking problem. I'm going to try and be kind but I'm also going to be truthful.
When a child sees there parents or step parents drunk it scares them. I have vivid memories of being really scared when my mum drank. So please don't let your children see him drink. Your children come first before the man you love. I'm sure if you think back to your childhood you will have some memories yourself.
You are exactly right that he needs to want the help. He needs to be prepared to get that help. He can see his GP (you can go with him) and he will be referred to appropriate services.
If he won't do that he either needs to move out or you need to move out until he has had treatment. You also could benefit from joining a group like al-anon. By staying when he isn't getting help you won't be helping him. You will only be making yourself feel less guilty while your daughters watch this play out in fear.
I'm sorry but moving out doesn't have to mean the end of your relationship it just means you won't tolerate this behaviour around your girls and yourself. It doesn't mean you can't be his biggest cheer squad if/when he does seek treatment. Most alcoholics start out as lovely people but they turn into arseholes as the addiction really takes hold. Don't let your girls see him turn into that arseholes. They deserve the childhood you didn't have.
Sorry it's not what you want to hear but you can't help him. You said it he won't change Until he wants to. Think really carefully before you commit to this man. You have children who are already negatively affected. His life is a mess probably more because of it than that being the Contributing reason for it. His ex left and it still didn't change him.
Sometimes, even though you see the good in them, they just really can't do better. And if you hang in there you'll just be destroyed along the way.
He's got you to stop drinking for the sake of the relationship, but not him! he's blamed you for starting fights, while he's drunk and impacting your kids, and youre accepting that and wearing that blame and guilt.
You feel sad for him and sO You excuse him. I know I did it for a long time myself. But sad as his story is, you don't have to excuse his behaviours now. Make him step uP and get the help he needs. Its really hard, but you have to be hardass. No more feeling sorry for him, or letting him for himself. No more excuses about his manhood being threatened and feeling useless and everything else going on. it's all excuses and he will let you believe it and ride your patience a long time, and all of that time will be wasted but also it'll be so hard and heartbreaking and damaging for you and your kids. demand better for him, it's the only way if he wants to and gets help then he will Do it.
You're going to bed in tears at night, is that really a relationship you choose to keep you And your kids to be in?
Even tho you love him you need to put your children first. If they feel scared or worried when he drinks then something has to change either he stops drinking or moves out. When his sober sit him down and talk to him about your children's worries, ask him to get help. If he doesn't then some serious decisions need to be made.
I totally agree. Last night I wrote a long letter that he read today and we had a big talk, I spoke about the children's worries and mine. I am hoping he can do this, as I will be on my own if I have to.
As you said yourself, you cant help him until he helps himself. He sounds like a wonderful man, Im glad bailing on him isnt an option to you. To me 4-6 beers of the afternoon isnt that bad but thats just my opinion. If he is really unkind and hurtful when he is drinking then I would record him and play it back to him.
I know what your exactly going through. My partner loves to drink I have now nipped it in the but so was my father but my mother never did anything about it. Video tapping will only get you so far. I'm sorry to say mum but if you don't start ruling with an iron fist (metaphorically speaking) then he will never change and your children will grow up like we did and either have the drinking problem or hate you for letting them be in that situation. Vicious cycle but it will happen. You know deep down inside what you need to do mum. Good luck xxxooo