Hey IM's,
I left my ex about 2 yrs ago now, we have a 4 yr old son together who stays with me during the week days plus one wkend a month and with his dad on the other wkends. I've struggled immensely trying to keep a civil relationship/communication with my ex in regards to our son over the years. My ex was and still is obsessive and jealous of me, so he tries to always ask inappropriate Q's about me or my personal life, he's also immature when it comes to having a conversation about our son, for example if I ask him as nicely as possibly to stop showing our son a certain movie then he'll reply with something defensive, rude towards me and nothing to do with our son, basically he acts as if I'm personally attacking him when all I want is to get a point thru to him that what he is showing him is affecting our son in a negative way. He bullies me in a passive aggressive and manipulating way (as he always has). I'm at the point where I just dont want to converse with him anymore as it's pointless - If i dont say yes to what he wants or the way he wants then there's a huge shit fight and he makes my life a living hell by complicating things and making them as difficult as he can, on the other hand if I do say yes to his way then I am constantly missing out, suffering and as my fam and friends say "he is still controlling me". I am a very fair person especially considering our past together, I believe it should always be about the child even though it's extremely hard at times to put personal feelings aside! My ex unfortunately does not seem to see it this way, he seems more interested in my life and me than our son! I've been to the police about the harassing txts but because they arent threatening, the police cant do anything about him contacting me and harassing me. Obviously, as with any life story, there's a lot more to this one but I'd be writing you a novel in that case, I hope I've given enough detail to recieve the feedback I'm in need of, which brings me to my question - Is there any way/s to make this work peacefully with a difficult ex?
3 Replies
My sister was in a similar situation and it took a long time for him to get with the program) of course there are still moments but it's only moments. Its a bit harder because your child is younger and you probably have to see him for exchanges. Things that she found helped (little bits but it all adds up) is not being alone for exchanges, taking someone who has a cool head kept him in line a bit and she was less likely to be intimidated and he was less likely to try it on. Once kids reached school age exchange was done at school pick up so no need to see each other. She communicated with him through a communication book so there was no reason they needed to day too much, just hand over the book. She also had to stop getting into conversations, say hello give your child a kiss goodbye and leave etc. Make sure parenting plans are in place through mediation. Don't respond to texts at all unless they are about your child. It takes a long time and you have to be really calm and not react. Good luck
I was and still am in the same position only my Ex and I split while I was pregnant, he showed no interest until he got involved with another woman and although we made a personal agreement on what contact he had he took it to court and we ended up going through court for the first 4 years of our child's life and in the end got court orders that neither of us are happy with! He controls and manipulates every situation always has and I expect always will (although he has backed off somewhat over the years) our child will be 9 this year.... Unfortunately it has taken my ex 9 years to get to the point he is at now, he can still be a very nasty manipulative bastard but I have learnt what battles are worth fighting and as long what is going to happen is what our child wants the rest really doesn't matter. Regardless of if it's what I had wanted or not including time in special days. Best thing you can do is getting mediation underway and get court orders in place. unfortunately there is nothing you can do about what he does with your child when he has him, That goes for everything from what he watches on tv through to what he feeds him! UNLESS it will cause him harm and you can prove it, but you will need it to go to court to try and change it...
I also have a similar ex and a now 2 year old daughter. Mediation through legal aid for a parenting plan. All contact done via grandparents. I have dvo in place for no contact. You can request only email contact and use a supervised centre for drop offs etc. I also found a domestic violence counsellor to talk to. They will assist you heaps.