I want some real solutions from compassionate and understanding mothers who actually get it. If your the perfect mother that never yells or smacks even the most imperfect child then your opinion is not needed.
I have an extremely difficult child. I am getting all the support I need and he is getting everything we all can offer and assistance.
What I want is ideas on how I can really love this child again. I do love him but not like I use to it's been a long hard road. Trying to find a positive in this child is often like getting blood out of a stone. Damn near impossible.
But there has to be a way.
How have other mothers found a way to put the love back into a relationship with their children.
Don't get me wrong we love them unconditionally but there's genuine love and then theirs I love this child but I really hate that you are the way you are. Some how along the way his behaviour has made me resent him and it can't help an already shity situation.
I've tried making sure I tell him everyday I love him and holding and loving him as well as wearing three rubber bands on my wrist and finding something to praise or compliment him. But it is really hard. Any hands on ideas from mums who understand would be much appreciated.
Counseling has not worked. My son is much to be desired his the type of child when out on public or sporting events even the other mothers snap with him or outcast him and this hurts too. I'm judged for his behaviour but he can't be controlled.
And yes we've seen peditricians support services etc as a mother we are doing all we can to help him. Please remember my question I want to love the baby I gave birth too.. genuine compassionate love not because I know I am suppose to no matter how hard of a child.
8 Replies
Firstly, CONGRATS on being an awesome mum. It takes a strong woman to be able to cope with this type of situation.
Secondly, this parenting thing...don't panic, we're all still trying to figure it out too.
Thirdly, you need to love yourself, you need someone to love you so you can continue to love your son. I found by telling myself "I love me, I love the choices I have made, I love my life and I love the challenges life has set me and I love my son" helped. You need to find a way to connect with your son, a way that makes you appreciate him. I suggest something your son can do with minimal help from you. IE puzzles you dont say old your son is. I also think you need a little time out for yourself. Having a break can often do the world of good - recharge your batteries. You sound exhausted. Other than that, no advice. Just a big shoulder to lean on! :-)
As the mum of a now adult with ASD (amongst other things) I had to remind myself that it's not his fault. Reminding myself that he didn't ask to be born with x, y and z issues helped me come from a place of compassion and love. Helped me find the love. Sonetimes it was easier than other times.
I also found little things that we could do together and learnt to ignore the some behaviours, yep there are some deal breaker behaviours that couldn't be ignored but really who gives a shit if he eats with his fingers or with his mouth open. There are just some things I learnt that just don't matter, or they might matter in the future but there are bigger fish to fry right now.
Like I couldn't ignore fecal smearing! That one was top priority for me.
I also spend a lot of time finding activities that he and I could do together. Even if I didn't particularly like the activity, playing something even for 2 minutes that he enjoyed was worth it, even if that was sitting together watching TV for two minutes.
I will say though having a safe place to vent to like counselling, although not a 'magic fix' did give me an outlet. Later that outlet was going to the gym.
From my experience that love comes from happiness and sharing joy together. Whereas when you're tired - exhausted - and not enjoy it just going through the motions day after day then you just feel the duty, and that's where I slipped into pnd.
But how to do that I'm not sure. Spread your time with him. Take breaks, Take more time for you to recuperate, do things with him that you enjoy. Try for quality time over quantity. I know that's all easier said than done but I think anything you could find towards that would help.
Play on his strengths...
Is one on one time more constructive...
Can he help you and be involved in the kitchen just you and him.
Such time can make it easier
I have no answer but please know you are not alone! I too have this struggle & also immense guilt that I feel this way. It is a hard hard road that few can genuinely understand or comprehend. Big hugs to you mumma! I'm happy to chat privately.
I'm sorry I don't have an answer for you but that boy is so very lucky to have you as his mum.
Wow, what a brave and vulnerable step. Bearing your heart like that and asking for help in such a sensitive situation is extraordinary. Your want for things to change really comes through in this post. You are such a strong mama.
Whether we like to admit it or not. I'm sure most parents have been there. For sure I know I have at times! It has been difficult for me in getting my head around the child that I envisioned having to the one that I actually have.
Something that has helped me was perspective. There's lot of stuff I don't like that my child has done - from farting in the car, purposely asking awkward questions in public, mocking me, and kicking her friend. I need to learn the things to ignore (and avoid getting all emotionally tied up and irritated in) and the values that I really want to instil in her. So now I drive with the window down... I see much more of the whole picture now rather than intently focused on the things that bother me. It helps me to love her more holistically and spiritually as a whole person, rather than just lots of separate elements.
Also time out to yourself is so important. The Imperfect Mum has another self love self care group on Facebook that it's really gorgeous. Fill up your resources, rejuvenate yourself and meet your own needs.
I've had times like this with my first daughter. She can be just so hard to like and to love. At my hardest time I bought a pretty notebook and before bed every night I wrote 3 things that I liked/appreciated/found funny that day about my daughter. They didn't have to be much, and I must admit that some nights I really struggled to find anything to write. But even if I wrote something as lame as 'she has amazing hair' it made me feel nice to have those final happy thoughts about her in my head before going to sleep. It really helped me to find her good points. Throughout the day, when she did or said something clever or funny I'd make a mental note to remember it so I could write it down that night. During the better times, I'd write a few pages in the notebook because I had noticed a lot of good things. During the bad times, there were 3 very brief dot points, or even only one or two things. But the whole process really helped me to fall in love with her again :) Hope you find your way too, hang in there xo