Help me cope with my husbands mental health problems....
Some background info: he was diagnosed with depression at 15 years old, his parents ignored the diagnoses and basically said "no not our son"
Fast forward to know he is 32 years old, we have been together for 14 years.
He has had depressive issues on and off throughout this time, with the peak happening around 18 months ago.
He became withdrawn, suicidal thoughts etc. I fought hard to seek help with minimal help from his parents.
We visited many terrible gp's and a few psychologists. We ended up finding a brilliant GP who prescribed zoloft.
He began taking the Zoloft and things improved. He has had a couple of relapses which generally occur when he stops the meds.
We have a 2 year old and 4 year old and they are quite challenging.
Today I organised to meet my sister in law for tapa's and a wine this afternoon.
Husband was tired due to huge work day the day before, I asked him a couple of times if he was ok,he said yes.
I left to meet SIL and from the moment I sat down at the bar I got text messages " child one has shaved some of child twos hair with my electric razor. Im not coping. Have locked the kids in their room" etc
I messaged my mother in law and said that he was not coping and i would be home in an hour, could she come over to see the kids for a bit. She didn't respond.
I let him know that id msgd his mum and asked her to come see the kids.
He told me to "F Off why should she come over so I can go out?"
Came home this afternoon and he began being very abusive, saying i had let him down by going today when he was so tired etc choosing a friend over him..... just ridiculous comments really.
We put the kids to bed and whilst doing so I made a post on our business page.
After the kids were in bed he began going off at me about the fact that I had done the post wrong and offed it all up etc etc
just being very horrible. He then stormed out and off in his car.
he texted a few more times, blaming me for everything.
I convinced him to come home.
He came home as I was walking into the bathroom and found my daughters cut off blonde curls in the bathroom. I cried, because they are so beautiful and she has never even had a haircut before.
My towel display ladder was also thrown over with my succulent garden broken.
He set up a bed on the couch and i asked him why as I had not done anything terrible? He then started again about how I do this wrong and that wrong and that he doesn't even want to be with me, he just doesn't even like me etc
He then threw some items of our buffett.
I asked him to get out. As I need to protect our children.
he has been gone an hour, phone off and I have no idea where he is.
Cant sleep although Im exhausted and very worried for what the future holds.
This aggression is extremely out of character.
2 Replies
What you're dealing with is abuse. Depression may be a factor in his behavior but he still has ownership.
It seems like you've blurred the lines and the way you think about his depression and your role as the strong carer probably contribute to that confusion.
I just read you forgave forgave forgave all this asshole behaviour he wasn't even apologizing for, he was still aggressive and you just accepted.
He couldn't cope with children. He refused his mother's help. (I sounds like he didn't like that you were out with your friend actually, this was his way to punish you and have a man-trum. Applying pressure, making you worry what could happen, the situation escalating. It's manipulation and emotional abuse.
I'm glad you finally kicked him out, the whole thing is completely unacceptable and toxic.
I was also where you are and also thought it wasn't abuse because he was unstable and had issues and I'd just ride it out with him, hoping he'll get better. That's wrong thinking. He's being abusive. regardless of the backstory what he did to you today is unacceptable.
Hes a big boy he'll be fine by himself, - he's probably fast asleep while you're steel feeling this turmoil - stop mothering him and demand he man up and sort out his issues and prove himself before hes allowed back into the home. I didn't and of course it happened again, and again. I've had days like yours and It's exhausting. Soul crushing.
Seek help advice and support from professionals, a women's health clinic or shelter.
I can relate to the fear that he has gone away to self harm, that you are the trigger, that it's not his fault - he's sick. I honestly don't know the answer. My husband has these snaps and used to vanish for hours on end. You are far from alone. Calling his mum probably embarrassed him and this is his way of punishing you. I doubt he realises that's what he's doing. He's just overwhelmed and doesn't know how to appropriately express his feelings. I think those telling you to change the locks are way over the top.