Please don't judge me for the following question. I'm just feeling fed up.. And sorry in advance for the novel..
I do a lot throughout the day as a SAHM. Washing, folding, dishes, vacuum, general cleaning etc. But my partner (not my daughters father) thinks my job is "easy", and says he'd love to swap jobs for a week because apparently all I do is sit on the couch and watch cartoons all day... He works 4 days a week, 8 hours a day in a warehouse, and while I agree his job may be strenuous at times, my job is hard too emotionally and mentally dealing with tantrums from a 2 year old girl and I also have rapid cycling depression and anxiety. I don't ask him to do a lot when he gets home, only things that could help me while I'm doing something else. For example watching bub while I do dinner, or quickly tidying the lounge before we eat, dishes after dinner, run bub a bath and I'll wash her n dry her etc. That's about it. But he kicks up a fuss saying how hard he's worked all day and he just wants to sit down... I don't get a break EVER unless someone has my daughter, and I hate asking people to do that. On weekends and his other day off he wants to sleep until 11-12, but I ask him to get up at about 9.30-10 and want to do things, usually followed by whinging and complaining again that he's tired and never gets to sleep in... I have offered before if he'd like me to sleep in Saturdays and for him to sleep in Sundays before he goes back to work Mondays but it was all or nothing for him..
While I understand she isn't his child he accepted her when he wanted me. Her father isn't an active role in our lives and he picked up that role for himself. He wants his own children of course and we've talked about having a child, so I've tried getting him to "practice" with Miss 2. But he just leaves it for me because "she isn't his"...
I don't want another child if he's going to continue this way.. It's hard enough being a "single" mum of 1..
I guess what I'm asking is, is it wrong of me to ask for help? Should I allow him to be lazy all night while I'm still running around? Am I being too harsh..?
10 Replies
Don't have more kids. Tell him you won't have more kids until he stops behaving like a teenage single man.
Very lazy by the sounds of things. A partnership is just that helping each other out and appreciating what the other does. He sounds like a little boy not a man. He needs to make some big changes or u need to move on. Relationships can be so much better than this petty thing u have going on. You and your daughter deserve so much more!
Might be a physiological thing with him that because your daughter isn't his biological child he isn't responsible for her?? Maybe you need to have a chat to him just say what you wrote above
I think until he is prepared to accept your daughter as his own it's a disaster waiting to happen. What happens if you have more kids and then he still doesn't accept her? She grows up feeling on the outer and less than in her own home. Heart breaking!
Agree with the IMs below. Can you offer to swap for a day? Go out from 8am - 5pm with your mum or a friend and leave him with M2 for the day. Don't get breakfast ready, just leave them to a day together and don't forget to leave a list of jobs required that day (a load of washing, couple of bills to pay, etc) . Unless you think she's going to get hurt a day of boredom and poor nutrition won't kill her and it certainly might give him an idea of what being a full time carer includes.
I just posted this on a similar question, just to add another perspective..
I raise our children pretty much solo. I look after them all day, do all the feeds, make meals, nappy changes, cleaning up, bath and bedtime rituals. I don't mind. He doesn't expect it and some days I dont manage to do everything but I feel bad if I haven't done these things while he has been out slogging his ass off for us. My husband works so hard to support us and on his days off he works on our future home. I feel like it's my part of our teamwork that keeps our family and life happy and running smoothly. And I feel like it's my part of getting a good deal in being able to stay home and raise my children.
Honestly I feel like I've just read my thoughts in a post. I have a five year old from a previous relationship and have a surprise baby with my partner. His very on and off with my eldest which demonstrates he is struggling with accepting and sad to say has the same attitude as your partner "his not my kid". Every time this excuse is made I remind him he knew I came as a package and committed to that. Since my baby has arrived she has been very demanding, I've been finding it impossible to get anything done and our house is a complete bomb site. No matter how much I beg my partner will not help and only whinges about the mess we currently live in. I appreciate he goes to work so I can stay home with the kids, but I'm a stay at home mum not a maid. Im non stop all day, yet he makes put like I sit around all day. I do expect his help if needed, however small that would be, any bit helps. I do all night feeds and he sleeps in each morning before work. Weekends come and he once again sleeps in until about 10 or 11, if I wake him up any earlier I'm in shit cause he works hard all week. When do I get a sleep in or break? Never! I also suffer from minor post natal depression. Needless to say there have been many arguements and tears shed and no changes. For your own state make him pick up his act or leave. It will only be harder if you have another child. Trust me! I wish you all the luck. In no way are you asking too much, everyone needs to be appreciated and needs a little help from time to time. Do what's best for you and your daughter <3 sorry for the novel ;)
If he can't accept your daughter then there will always be a barrier and a problem. A child can tell when someone isn't all in. Find a new man!
You are a stay at home mum isn't that your job? Why does he have to continue working when he gets home from work? He works all day to financially support you and a child that isn't even his, I think you have it pretty good!
He just soumd plain old lazy to me.
My partner works 8-9 hours a day 7 days a week, we have 3 kids only 1 is his and the other 2 from my previous relationship that we have 100% with no breaks and im 13wks pregnant and he comes home from work tired and exhausted and still helps with EVERYTHING.
I had sever morning sickness for about 8 weeks and could barely get off the couch most days, our house was trashed as i couldnt keep up with the house work and when he got home he would do everything even cooking dinner, bath the kids and put them to bed.
By the sounds of it he doesnt appreciate everything you do in your home and for your daughter, and he will always be distant and not help out with her as "she isnt his". And unfortunatly ppl like him will never understand how hard it can become to be a SAHM.