Hi ladies, sorry in advance for the long post. I won't go into full detail because it really is a long story but I would appreciate advice on whether I've made the right decision in cutting my mother out of my families life. I have been with my partner for 7 years and we have a beautiful 5 year old son. Just before Easter last year a lot of things with my mother came to light and we have had no relationship since. Things were really bad between my partner and I, we were on the verge of breaking up things got so bad and my son was showing some really unacceptable behaviour, he was even almost asked to leave daycare because he was always so angry, non responsive and even getting too rough with the other kids. Obviously the friction between my partner and I was contributing to that but it all came to head when we discovered my mother had been telling lots of lies. She was telling my son lies about my partners mother (I believe she was jealous of their relationship), she told me lies about my partner, she had even told my son that he should hate his dad (this came from my then four year olds mouth). She had even in the past insinuated on multiple occasions that my partner might be abusing our son, yet she would only bring it up if him and I were already fighting and she would start backtracking the moment I said there was no way (my son and his dad idolise each other). Basically she had been sabotaging my relationships for years. When I confronted her about it she completely denied it all (she has never once accepted responsibility for any of it). She also said on various occasions (once I cut her out she continued to send me messages and would lash out when I wouldn't reply) that she finds me disgusting, that I'm such a disappointment and how could I have a good life knowing I've kicked my family in the guts. I can't even begin to go into all the horrible things she's said. She turned my brother and sister against me and she plays the victim so well they've automatically taken her side, without even caring to hear the truth. They both even bad mouthed me all over Facebook in really horrible ways. My son has had no contact with her since and he's improved in leaps and bounds. He's happy, advancing well at daycare and he doesn't even ask about her (we've never bad mouthed her to him). My relationship with my partner is better than ever and I believe it's because the toxic influence is gone. It would be different if it was just a tiff between my mum and I but the fact she was manipulating my son, trying to turn him against his family and the damage it was causing I don't feel I can trust her at all, and I don't want her toxic nature anywhere near him. It's so far removed from the person I thought she was. I now know she displays many narcissistic traits. I'm comfortable in my decision but I have been judged by some people in my town because they only see the caring lovely side of my mum and they don't know the full story. All I want is to protect my family and keep them happy, they come first. Do you think I'm doing the right thing?
10 Replies
You did the right thing, no doubt about it. Your mum sounds abusive.
Absolutely. You did the right thing, don't second guess yourself. She sounds horrible. Xx
Thanks ladies, she's very good at emotional blackmail. Before I blocked her I would receive messages from her asking how I can keep my son away from her and my siblings. That he must be missing them all terribly because they are so "beloved". If she cared so much she would make an effort to get herself sorted out to fix things. She did tell me once that I should be happy to know she was starting counselling through work "regarding our problems. What are the issues you'd like me to discuss with them?" It was again such a slap in the face because I couldn't have been more clear to her as to why I've cut contact and it just proved that she still couldn't see what she had done wrong. Honestly I've given up with her and with any hope of her ever changing
Wow...its eerily similar to my own situation!! Its like you wrote it on my behalf! Lol
I cut my mother out about 9mths ago and have not looked back. I have noticed a massive improvement in my 4 children since.
Like you, I have often wondered if it was the right move, but then I just have to look at the signs like kids improvements, or the less emotional stress in my life to know it was.
It is hard when it comes to the rest of the family as I have tried to make a point of not getting them involved...but I is clear that she has been in their ear with lies and exaggerations as they now treat me differently. But I figure that if they are willing to be reasonable and actually TRY to speak to me for my side of the story, I am willing to explain it rationally. If not, then it is their loss not having them in our lives. My little family is pretty amazing... I would love to share it with them...but not if they are going to pressure me to 'make up' with a toxic person (who has had very negative influences on our lives) only because she gave birth to me.
I put my family first... and simply put, no one f#$ks with my family!!
I'm not saying its going to be easy. Only you can know if it's the right choice. No one says it has to be forever either. But you have to reach a point where you let all that emotional entanglement go...especially with your siblings. Do you really want their negativity around you as well???
Thanks to the most recent replier. It's comforting (in a morbid way lol) to know I'm not the only one going through this. It's really hard to reconcile that the one person that should love us more than anything in the world can actually be wanting to tear us down. I felt much better once I realised that the question of why she did it doesn't matter, it's a problem within her and I'll never truly get the answer as to why. Once I let that go I felt much better, in fact my whole family unit is happier. I don't have any contact with my siblings either and I'm truly glad that I don't have to deal with any drama. It's more just that the whole situation makes me sad in that I wish my son could have them in his life, I wish they were healthy people for him to be around, but at the same time I know that's not possible for quite some time because there's no way I'm going to let their negativity drag him down.
That was my comment :)
I highly recommend looking up a support site called daughters of narcassistic mothers. It helped me to slowly overcome some of my emotional baggage. I still have a lot that I need to 'let go' as I hold a lot of anger and resentment still about her behavior.
Realising things, even the smallest of things, are not your fault is a huge emancipation... a weight would come off my shoulders every time I had an epiphany about her behaviour. I realised that her manipulations were going for far longer than I realised... I just thought it was the 'norm'. Trust me...I now know it wasn't.
The best thing you can do is work on you...your emotions...your strengths...your abilities...your family...without all the negativity.
Good luck! :)
Thank you so much Belinda, everything you've said is exactly what I've experienced. I look back at things now and a lot of it makes so much more sense. It's funny how it goes on for so long without us even realising. I am in the same headspace as you about my decision, I feel I need to put my sons best interests first and whilst for some people they think it means biting your tongue and letting the family have contact, in my situation I know it means having no contact. He honestly doesn't need her crap in his life. I read an article back when this all happened called 23 traits of a narcissistic mother (or something along those lines) and I could tick off almost every single thing as something she had done. So I know it's not me, there is something wrong with her and I'm not going to waste my energy thinking about her. Thanks for your support Belinda :)
Any time :) feel free to contact me if you ever need a vent
I cut ties with my narcissistic mother more than a year ago, and it was one of the best life decisions I ever made. Yes, there will be shaky moments where you doubt yourself, but deep down you know when you have exhausted every avenue to try to "fix" things but it is impossible to do so with a pathological personality. I will be healing for the rest of my life from my mother's various abuses and how much she has sabotaged me and my life, and i'm not giving her another opportunity to inflict any more damage!
I could have written this too except that it is my mother in law, not mother. All I can say is be careful. My MIL has announced she is taking us to court over rights to her grandchildren and access to them. I want nothing more than for her to leave us alone and go away but she is fighting it (much to our disappointment). I don't want to scare of freak you out but just want to say that the law is out there to enable grandparents to do this (so you don't get knocked for six if it does unfortunatly happen). Best of luck and you have definatly made the right decision for you and your family!