Hi all. This might be a little long winded but I need to get some advice about my cousin and think the lead up is important to tell.
About 3 months ago my 18yo cousin was in a bind (fighting with her family and practically homeless) so I offered to help her out. We have been really close for the last couple of years as she didn't get on with any of her family so came to me for advice etc. My house is only small so she had to sleep on a mattress on the floor in a corner of my lounge room. I have 2 boys (8 & 9) as well as working part time and being part of my boys school P&C as treasurer so I am pretty busy.
When she came to live with me I set down very specific rules about what was expected of her re: paying board, chores, having friends over etc, and things were going pretty well up until last week. I had planned a shopping trip with 2 of my friends to Maroochy (2 hour trip) to get some xmas shopping done and just to have some me time. My cousin said she would babysit my boys for the day. She texted me halfway through the day to ask when I would be home, I said I wasn't sure as we still had heaps to do. She then sent back that she was going to take my boys to my Mum's because she was leaving for Gladstone that afternoon. Something she hadn't mentioned the night before or when I left that morning. I was pissed as I felt that she was hurrying me up on a day I had been looking forward to so I replied with - do whatever. And that was the last thing I heard from her. At about 6:30 I got a phone call from my Mum to say that the kids were at her place, at this stage I was nearly home. I was not happy but was even more incensed when my step father told me that a "young boy" walked them over to Mum's at about 5:30. I asked my boys who it was and they couldn't remember his name. They said he was at my place for some of the day with his Mum. This made me even angrier as my rules are that she does not have her friends at my place when my boys are there unless I approve of them. Only 1 of her friends had been approved to be there that day as I think he is very respectful and also has a blue card for working in youth groups with kids. My boys also told me that they had gone for a drive to pick up my cousin's girlfriend from work. They didn't get given any snacks or lunch either all day until my Mum fed them dinner. At this stage I was so angry with her that as soon as I got the boys settled in bed I packed all her stuff up and sat it on the front porch. I was done.
I wanted to call her and yell at her but decided to cool down first as I didn't want to say something and regret it later. So I rang her friend ( the one I like) and asked him to tell me exactly what had gone on that day.
So the list of things that upset me are: She didn't get out of bed when I left and stayed in bed until mid morning leaving the boys unsupervised. She didn't tell me they were planning a road trip the night before or in the morning, or let me know when she dumped the kids at Mum's. My boys were not fed properly through the day. She had people at my house with out my permission when she knows the rules, 1 in particular that I really don't like or would ever trust around my kids, and I had voiced several times to her my dislike of him. She took my kids in a car with a P plate driving with out my permission to pick up her girlfriend from work. She wasn't the one that took my boys to Mum's, she sent them over with the guy I don't like, he just dumped them at the gate and walked off, not even saying anything to my step dad.
This whole thing has felt like a huge slap in the face. I have done nothing but help her, even when it has disrupted my kids routine and house hold, and has cause friction between my ex and I (he hates her). I stuck up for her and took her in when the rest of the family wanted nothing to do with her. I think I am more hurt than anything that she couldn't even help me for one day when I had done so much to help her. I haven't talked to her about it yet apart from a text informing her to collect her things and the reasons for kicking her out. I don't feel ready to talk to her yet.
But now I am feeling guilty about kicking her out and that I have over reacted. What do you think? Have I over reacted?
Feeling guilty and may have over reacted
Monday, 9 December 2013 - 17:47
Feeling guilty and may have over reacted
Posted in:
Life Lessons, Relationships & Marriage, Teenagers
6 Replies
I would've done the same thing if not gotten worse. Been in similar situation and I regret not acting as hastily as I should have.. Nothing bad came from it but she learnt nothing by us been lenient.
she will learn the hard way n sometimes they have to.
I don't think you've over reacted but I do think that she may just be playing the role of a typical 18yo? Depending on her maturity level (and that of her friends!) this may be unlike her - could she be being influenced by a friend, or could there possibly be a potential new boyfriend on the scene? Perhaps it would be worth having a chat to her once you've both cooled off, there may be a reason why she's behaved this way and it may just be something you could relate to... Maybe!
All suggestions of course! Good luck Hun xo
Absolutely not. You've done the right thing!
Your cousin probably doesn't even realise what she has done or the potential danger she put your children in. It was a huge leap of faith in an 18 year old to have her look after your children, especially when you were going so far away for so long. I would give her a second chance but wouldn't let her babysit again.
You did not over react!! If it were me, I would've waited until she got home and shit would've hit the fan!!!!
I don't think her age has anything to do with the fact that she is an irresponsible, disrespectful little so and so. Hell, I was babysitting kids at the age of 12. Never once did I disrespect the parents home or neglect the children. That's appalling on her behalf.
I would hear her side of the story, let her tell you in her own words what happened that day. Then base giving her a second chance on that. But when it comes down to it, your children are your first priority.
I think you've done the right thing.
She needs to learn consequences. She is 18 and obviously troubled, so I would forgive her and still be there as someone with a brain to talk to (to try to talk sense into her - not likely she will listen) But I wouldn't allow her to move back in, or look after the kids. I'd be firm but kind and say sorry. You blew it! I love you, but there are consequences to your actions and I won't feel comfortable having you back, but I'll always be here to talk to.
That's how I'd handle it anyway.