I have a big decision to make and needing some POSITIVE Advice from the sisterhood. Apologies in advance for the length of this one....
10 Months ago, I confronted my MIL after 12 years of negative, degrading, backstabbing, horrible comments. She and her daughter (SIL) had this way of making me feel like s*h*t every single time we saw them. We would leave from family gatherings and it would always end up in an argument between my husband and I. Because of their behaviour towards me.
My one question to my MIL was "Does this family want me here" Do you want me here. Those words were responded to with "of course we f***ing do, followed by a complete tirade of abuse against me, how I parent my children, that I am rude and inconsiderate and not the other way round, and on and on it went. Obviously this was not received well, and I fought back disputing all of these horrible things that were coming from her mouth. What followed next was the most interesting but extremely hurtful of all the things that she had done the previous 12 years before that. Because I challenged her and told her that I would no longer be spoken to like that, and that she needed to mind her own business of how I parent, that she has no say in this matter and advised her that she was far from perfect herself. She began screaming at me, get out of my house you f***ing liar, I cannot believe my son married you, take your f***ing bullsh*t and get out, and many other choice words and statements.
Needless to say I have not spoken with my in-laws since. Despite my husband on many occasions begging me to make things right.
Things have now changed, unfortunately the FIL is quite sick, and he is very upset at the current situation that he doesn't get to see us all together anymore, despite the fact that I have not stopped my husband and children from visiting them anytime, but they are most certainly not welcome in my home, and I do not attend any family gatherings. The one thing that he would like to see is for the family to be "back to normal" (not that it was normal before) back to the way it was before all of this.
My husband swears that the MIL has changed since this, and that all she wants to do is move forward. But yet there has been no attempt at an apology, no contact what so ever. I have told my husband that I am willing to meet them to discuss this, but that I think an apology is warranted. I want to MIL and SIL to know how hurtful their treatment of me was and that what was said was completely inappropriate and down right wrong and extremely hurtful. I want them to know, that this is their last chance, and that any disrespect or negative comments will not be tolerated. My husband on the other hand believes that all this will do is create more problems and make the situation blow up again.
How could I possibly move on from this? I can't just turn up after such a long time, here I am! My husband wants this and believes that I just have to be polite, but for 12 years I sat there and a grin and bared it for the sake of my husband and my children. I was always polite and tried my best not to give them ammunition.
I have battled with this situation and what if Id kept my mouth shut and hadn't said anything for the last 10 months, it has caused much anxiety and many tears and arguments, but I am the one who has lost out in this, not them. They continued on with their little lives as if nothing had happened. I am the one who missed out on christmas with my children and husband last year due to the circumstances.
I am very sad that my FIL is sick, and I want to be able to be there for my husband during this difficult time. But how do I do this? What should I say, if I do decide to just rock up to the next family function? Please help me through this very difficult and confronting time.
6 Replies
I can appreciate how you feel and understand that there are two sides to a story. Either way I'm not condoning what your MIL has said but I think at this point perhaps you should attempt to reconcile with your MIL.
Perhaps you could attend a family gathering or organise a time to catch up with her and say how you know there have been some words said but think it is time for both of you to move on. If her husband is ill this will definitely be a time when support is required for her and your husband and she'd probably appreciate the kind words.
Also I think because of how these issues were dealt with because of her being challenged in her own house it was always going to be an upward battle. Not saying she was right but if someone challenged me in my house I would feel disrespected so that probably intensified her feelings.
I think it is time to show your children (both of you) that you are the adults and like anything, you can work on your relationship. Best of luck!
Honestly, you shouldn't have had to speak up. It was your husbands job to have it out with his parents. I would be furious at hubby as he seems to lack a back bone and want to keep sweeping things under the carpet while they treat you like a piece of crap! If hubby had handled this from the beginning this wouldn't be in the situation it is.
The problem with apologies is they rarely live up to and encompass everything that we want so your just left feeling more furious. Also when we demand an apology it just backs the person into a corner.
I personally would invite hubbies parents (ignore the sister for now) out for a coffee in a neutral location go with an open heart. Don't expect an apology don't even discuss what happened, just see how they behave. Because how they behave towards you in day to day interactions are a far better sign of change. Let's face it any idiot can apologise but not everyone can change their behaviour. If they behave then be open to seeing a little more of them (take it gradually). If they don't behave then you know not to bother anymore. Good luck x
PS I've been in a similar situation except for it was my grandfather behaving like a dick, to me. It was my dad who read him the riot act. Pulled him up straight, now my grandfather and I are pretty much besties lol
I think you can give it 1 more shot, 1 more effort for the sake of your FIL. Prove to everyone you are the bigger person by reaching out. Meet them and speak with them, don't yell or swear at all and if they begin to do so then leave. Tell them exact examples of what they did or said that hurt your feelings for example "It really hurt my feelings when you made a comment in front of everyone about me not helping out in the kitchen when I asked to help and cindy said everything was under control and to go sit down". Tell them you are willing to move on and forgive what happened in the past put you simply won't put up with been constantly put down. Then at the next family gathering see how things go, if they are bitches then leave then and there I think you will sleep easier knowing you tried and hopefully your husband will see you tried. But who knows they really might have learnt from their mistakes. I would also suggest you listen to their side of the story surely there has to be some reason they feel anger towards you.
Think about this if you FIL passed tomorrow would you regret not seeing him ?? I suggest you write you mother inlaw a letter. Tell her how you feel that you would love the family to be together again especially for your FIL but won't accept the way things used to be. I think your Probally expecting too much with an appology but perhaps can take a win with her not treating u badly anymore. Sometimes you have to choose you battles
Give it a shot, if their snide remarks are still thrown at you while FIL is alive give them intense eye contact until they look away. I do it all the time when snide remarks are thrown at me and the intense eye contact makes them uncomfortable. Once FIL has passed away then leave and never return that way no bad words were exchanged on your part. But don't worry they will remember your eye contact. Trust me in works. Good luck darling!!! XOXO