My question is really for other "imperfect grandmothers".I was reading a question posted about a grandmother not wanting to help with their grandkids and the replys by some imperfect mums really shocked me.There were a lot of comments made saying grandparents are selfish if they dont want to have sleep overs,or babysit on a regular basis or help the parents raise the child/children.
I am a grandparent to 3 whom I love with all my heart,I see them about 4 times a week,but to be honest I dont feel the need to have sleep overs and I dont like to be asked to "babysit".I will watch the grandkids so
the parents can attend a wedding etc or occassionally so a parent can go to work when other childminding arrangements have changed or fallen through.I dont like being asked to babysit so the parents can "go shopping" or "have a break".
I raised my kids without relying on others to help do my job and its hard work and believe that it is now my time to relax and do the things with my life that were put on hold whilst I raised my family.Being a grandparent should not be made to feel like a job.I feel being a grandparent should be fun and enjoyable...I love the fact that when the grandkids are crying or being naughty I can just hand them back to their parents...I am a young grandmother and I have a life outside of my kids and grandkids,and feel like I have every right to be enjoying my life.I think some mums today expect to much from grandparents,I feel as though grandparents are taken for granted and relied on a little to much.To say we are being selfish just shows the selfish attitudes some young mums have.I hate the fact that I am left feeling guilty about wanting to enjoy my life.I spent years and years putting my needs behind the needs of my children and husband and now for the first time in my adult life I am doing things for myself...I dont call that being selfish I feel it is now my reward for raising my kids.
Do other "imperfect grandmothers" feel the expectations placed on grandparents is to high????
Expecting to much from grandparents
Expecting to much from grandparents
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Parenthood Guilt
14 Replies
I also want to add that my daughters do not treat me like an on call babysitter,they very rarely ask for any help in regards to the kids.I raised them to be strong and independant and they are confident mums....I am just shocked by the attitudes about a grandparents role in general
I'm not a grandmother but I feel the same as you. I don't expect from my mother or father and know they have lives. Yeah they have stepped up and done a lot for me due to some unusual circumstances and I'm eternally grateful (I also feel guilty they needed to do that).
As I've explained to other mums not everyone sits around dreaming about the day their kids will have kids (I certainly don't). Grandparents have raised their kids. It's their time to party!
I just want to add I don't remember my grandparents babysitting me. We would go stay there for a week once every few years when we were older (around 10) but my parents didn't use them as a baby sitting service. If they needed a baby sitter they paid one (and they certainly were not earning good money).
Im not a grandmother roger. But I don't understand why people cant look after their own kids. I understand in emergencies and special occasions would be helpful. We have always lived in different states to all family and it has never been an option to to the dump and run. I do think its rude to expect grand parents to be baby sitters. They are Grandparents!!
I'm a mother, for a good part if my eldest 2 lives a single mum and a young one at that and I never asked/expected/let my kids sleep over at their grandparents before they were 5 years old because I believe its too much to expect of the grandparents when the children are young and even after then it's for special occasions only. My children spend time with their grandparents loads but I am with them to do all the parenting and the grandparents are there to enjoy their grandbabies and on occasion my parents ask to have the kids for the day to take them out and that's okay too. But never would I rely or make them feel obligated to have my kids and I plan my life accordingly around them and my responsibilities.
when i read the orginal post i was like what the? she hasnt babysat in three months? and you expect her to babysit? I didnt reply to her post as it was a bit of a trigger to my situation, I have a very active 5 year old and a 3 yr old and my mother has never babysat them - yet will babysit other people kids, which hurts my feelings, but then when i had a full blown mental breakdown and my mum refused to help, i ended up having to call dhs on my own ass because i wasnt coping, luckily enough my dad who i didnt have a great relationship with stood in and helped me... this has broken alot of trust between me and my mother, because i really needed her and she shut the door in my face. It still hurts thinking about it. I think the lady and anyone who has someone willing to babysit for them even once a year is so lucky and should never take it for granted, because there are women out there who never get a break.
All i can say to grandparents is: you reap what you sow
100% agree with you you've been there and raised your kids put everyone first for years why shouldn't you do whatever makes you happy if that's seeing your grandkids EVERYDAY or ONCE a year you should not be judged or made out that you love them any less, mothers these days play on the whole grandparents responsiblities it pure selfishness on there behalf, grow a backbone and raise your own children YOU did CHOOSE to bring them into this world, and yes I'm a young mum to 4kids and don't rely on anyone yes it's bloody hard work but I'm there mum and it's my job
I'd LOVE to raise our kids the way we want with out their grandparents input or disapproval :)
I think that's fair enough. I'd assume if your children needed you to look after the grandkids over night you would. My MIL EXPECTS to be a big part in the kids lives and have them sleep over as much as possible. She has negative outbursts if she's not. whereas my mum would be happy spending time with the kids whenever how ever. I think it comes down to personal choice. I wouldn't be cranky if my parents didn't want to have them over night but they have done so plenty of times. Its a different world now then it was back when you were raising them id imagine. Grandparents aren't babysitters. and to think ppl are saying you are selfish because you do not have them for sleep overs is quite frankly appalling!
I'm not a grandparent but I want to add a comment here because my mum and I have had this conversation recently. She feels similar in a way - is enjoying her freedom and doesn't want to be taken advantage of. However when her own 3 kids were little, she had a huge amount of help from her own mother. Much more help than my mum gives me now. For instance, my grandmother used to take us on her own holidays (voluntarily, my lucky mum - and lucky kids we were!) for weeks at a time. And my parents went on a round-Australia trip when their first child was only about 18 months old, and my grandparents were apparently delighted to have her for three weeks. And mum used to drop us off at her mum's house so she could get the grocery shopping done without all the trials and challenges that mothers face whilst shopping with three kids. My mum was extremely fortunate, and she recently recognised that she was a completely different grandmother to her own 6 grandchildren. She raised the issue with me because she was feeling a bit disappointed in herself, and for me and my siblings. I have never EVER expected her to take my kids on a regular basis, but I must say it's lovely to have her there for emergencies or weddings etc. So I completely squashed any idea that she was expected to be like her own mother in that respect! She has her own, well-earned, free life to lead! But it's also so appreciated when she can help out. I even slip her some cash every now and then to cover the tolls that they have to drive through to come to our house. In saying all that, I do want to point out that only a couple of centuries ago, most families lived in much closer proximity to each other and the grandmothers were often under the same roof. So it naturally, the grandparents were quite involved in the day to day lives and care their grandkids. These days that's not the case - whether that's a good or a bad thing is highly individual I'm sure!
How sad :-( I actually want to call my mum now and thank her for everything she does for my family (because she WANTS to help and be apart of my kids lives because she LOVES them, not because she is expected to). It sounds like you didn't get help from your parents so why should your kids get help from you? No, you shouldn't be "expected" to do anything. But if you don't want to, then sorry but I find it quite sad.
I do help my daughters much more than most grandparents,I do babysit and I spend lots of time with the grandkids,quality time ie,playing with them ,singing with them reading with them all the things a good nan should do.I am a fun nan I take them shopping or to the park for awhile to allow their mums to catch up on housework or have a break.I don't feel the need to have sleep overs,I actually work fulltime and enjoy having a decent sleep when im off work.My question was posted due to comments I have seen on this site in regards to what people think grandparents should be doing and am very shocked at the attitudes of a lot of mums and I believe that a lot of mums take grandparents for granted and don't appreciate what they do.I didn't get any help raising my children,but what you don't have you don't miss and I coped fine.People need not feel sad,they are reading far to much into it.I wont live forever but at least I know my daughters will be able to manage looking after their kids on their own.Its my role to shower the grandkids with more love than they could ever need or want,its my job as a nan to smother them in embaressing kisses,to laugh and play with them,its the role of their mothers to raise them, discipline them, and set their boundries.
Totally agree!!!!!!
The number of 'you can't love your grand kids' type responses are shocking!