Please excuse the novel, just trying to get it all in.
About 2 months ago I wrote in about my ex, he was pushing me, grabbing me, and holding me to the ground because I was on my phone and after he snatched it off me I wanted to leave so he tried to stop me by doing all of this. This wasn't the first time he had done this he had done it twice before but it was worse and it was the first time while I was holding my son. So I took the advice most of you ladies gave me and made it at a park for him to see my sons.
About a month ago and the second time he saw the kids since the incident he decided he wanted alone time with my eldest son who is 4. I grew very suspicious of his actions, I can't put my finger on it but it was both my gut and just the way he was looking at me. Where he took my son was close to the street, the whole time he was on his phone and before he did it he was talking to someone on his phone. I thought it would be best if he went back to the play ground but he wouldn't, he kept getting my son to tell me to go away. I ended up calling my mum to ask her what to do and during that time he called my mum to get her to to tell me to get away from him, I was standing at least 20m away at the time (I wouldn't let him to far away with ds). The whole time my ex was with my son and I was asking them to go back to the play ground and he wouldn't, he just kept walking away (I was giving him a minimum of 20-30m not getting to close) he looked like he was enjoying watching me begging him to take ds over to the playground. When we left he just had that look that if we weren't in public I would have been in a lot of trouble, he said to me "just you wait, you will get what's coming to you".
When we got home I asked ds what him and daddy had been talking about, ds said that daddy wanted to take him and ds2 to his home that day, he also told me he likes to hurt me (this is unusual, he is normally very protective of me) and he doesn't love me anymore he only loves daddy. I just reminded him how loved he was by both my ex and myself and kept reinforcing it, he ended up apologising and was back to his normal self. Besides from my exes violent streak (it has been a lot of threats over the years as well) he is also a drug addict. After all of this I said that he could see our sons in a fenced playground and he couldn't take them out of the fenced area but he could spend his time there and I wouldn't interfere, he said to me he will do what ever he wants in his time with them and won't do that. I'm really scared about him snatching the kids I don't even know where he lives now, even if I had something in place I won't be able to get them back from him, he will stop me or just run with them.
I feel so guilty they aren't seeing him, at the end of the day he is their father. I just don't know what to do, I don't want to lose my kids and I want to be able to keep them and me safe, but there is never any pleasing him. I guess I am wondering has anyone had any experience with this? What would you do if you were in my shoes? Should I just take the risk and let him see them but at my house or just keep going to the park? I just want what is best for our sons. He also hasn't asked about seeing them in 3 weeks since I voiced my concerns to him.
I'm really torn here on what to do and was hoping someone could offer some guidance. Thanks in advance.
8 Replies
Firstly, stay strong! He is absolutely trying to manipulate you and also trying to turn your son against you. By limiting contact with this violent abusive man you are doing what's best for your kids, he is not a good roll model. Don't ring him to organise contact let him do ALL the contacting. Keep visitation in the park supervised for now and take someone with you, you should not be alone with this man. You also need to talk to a DV support organisation to get advise and ask them about what's appropriate re visitation etc and how to best to organise it safely. There are organisations that do this and do the supervision in a safe way so he wouldn't be able to get away with the stunts he is pulling. USE the SERVICES, make sure the police know what's happening and seek legal advice.
take someone else with you to the Park, I would set up mediation and get myself legal aide immediately and get court orders set up (you need to do this first because if he gets in first you'll have to pay for your lawyer). yes he is their father but it doesn't excuse his behavior towards you or trying to brainwash your son into hating you in the time he has them. I would not be letting him in my house at all and if you do always have someone else there ALWAYS! I actually wouldn't be letting him see the kids at all if it was my ex doing this. They might miss him but they will get over it, I did, I didn't see my dad for close to 20 years and you know what my life was so much better without the dead beat drug addict/alcoholic/women beating so and so. I met him again a couple of years ago and it just reinforced why I have had nothing to do with him for so long and why I still have nothing to do with him. Use the services available to you, you are not weak for asking for help it takes a strong woman to admit that she needs some help and you really need to get some help so that you are in control of the situation. Make sure you write everything down in a diary EVERYTHING how many times he texts you, calls you to talk to the kids, what he says, record phone calls all iPhones have the option I am sure that most smart phones have the ability to do this. Get your evidence together and keep the documentation for ever. Do not give it to anyone, do not share it with anyone except your lawyer. Not even your mum. Get friends who have witnessed this to write statements/affidavits for you. Also as the lady below says make sure the police know, ring up and tell them about the situation. Do what ever you have to do to keep you and your children safe! Big Hugs Mamma and take care!
I haven't been in this situation but I would hope that if I was in this situation my ex would not be seeing my child at all. This man sounds like a horrible person and although he's your son's father it does not give him the right to act the way he does.
I know it is easier said than done but you need to stop your child from seeing his dad until his dad is better. By allowing this interaction you are essentially teaching your son that his dad's actions are ok. Children learn by modelling their parents behaviour and this is certainly not behaviour you want him to model. Your son might love his dad but you being the adult need to determine what is best for your son, being around a man who shows him that threatening and drugs is acceptable or not having that dad around but learning that you don't treat women or anyone in that way.
I wish you luck with this situation and to be incredibly strong to make the correct decision for your son.
Hes playing games, making you feel uneasy, threatening behaviour & watching you react to every movement. I think you should be nowhere near him. I definitely wouldn't have him inside anywhere, i wouldnt go back to a park hes blown that offer. Whats next? Supervised visits (not you, a trusted relative or better yet, professional)? No visits? See a lawyer about your rights.
Keep your kids with you and do not set up any visitation until you have spoken with a solicitor. My niece had issues with her ex threatening to take their child so she saw solicitors and set up mediation before he could see their child again. Do this to protect your kids, he does not sound stable at all.
Yet what all of you don't seem to understand about this person is that he was not trying to take his kids from her at all. Their son wanted to have time with his dad. Just his dad, he would never put thoughts in his kids heads, nor would he have had his own son say such things to his own mother! I'm disgusted by this post as I know both of these people, have been on the outside of their relationship this whole time and never once has he ever wanted to kidnap or take his kids without his ex knowing where or for how long. She just never lets him and it is honestly destroying him. As for a "drug addict", years ago he use to be yes, he came good. Then had a minor slip up which he has corrected since then because of what happened between these to. You are all only getting one side to this story, you shouldn't jump to the conclusion that this person is 100% correct or truthful with what they say. This is exactly why things end up in court and partners hating each other because of it. I've been there and done that. Don't put it onto another person who loves his kids more than anything in the world. Yet can't even have 1 day with just them, he has barely gotten 6 hrs a wk with them since they broke up. And that's nothing to do with him, it's all how she reacts and takes in people's advice and "trusts" them so much, even though it is in no way how she has heard it. Just think about how it affects both of them, not just us mothers, we cop it bad yes, but Jesus Christ, look at how you've made this poor man out to be. Shame on you, learn to say good things about him instead of putting him down every minute of everyday. He isnt that bad compared to others. At least he wants to be there for his children. You know this to be true don't you H.D
are you saying it's ok for him to mess with her head? are you saying it's ok for him to man handle her? I'm sure this woman fears for her safety when he is around and I'm guessing what you were there 24/7 in behind closed doors?
My Ex before I had kids and before I was with my children's father gave me a black eye, used to throw me around and used all my money and would never give me a red cent to go towards our house or bills but he earned 3 times as much as me in a week. He also slept with my friend in my bed in a house that we shared together while I was at work! But anyone who knows him now would never believe it happened 10 years ago. I didn't imagine it, it was just what happened behind closed doors and away from other people when they couldn't see. And I also didn't acknowledge it because I was ashamed that people would think I had done something to provoke it. Because apparently getting beaten when your boyfriend comes home from the pub a little angry and super drunk is your own fault! This is now why I stand up and say Its not OK because I know I can take a hit these days and won't cower in the corner until they are asleep.
I had a friend once a guy friend most gentlest thing in the world to me, would never hurt me in a million years no matter what I said or what I did. I met his girlfriend one night she had a black eye and bruising to her ribs from where he beat her up because she apparently said the wrong thing to him (it happened behind closed doors, I didn't see him do it but who else could it have been?). I could never have imagined this man to do such a thing but the evidence was right there in front of me. Did I say anything to him yes I did. I asked if he felt big, I asked if he felt tough, I asked if it made it all better being a pig of a man and then I told him that he disgusted me! this person had been in my life for years and I knew everything you could about him and I had never once seen this side of him ever! but who's to say I should have? I was never his partner, never his lover just his friend he was like a brother! there is no reason in the world that a man should treat a woman like that.
So to you I ask, have you been on the other side of their closed doors as a fly on the wall? You don't see what happens when you are not there. If she's scared she's allowed to be, if she says something happened it most likely has. If you don't see it,so what there is every possibility your just not seeing everything he does. If you don't believe it trust me it's possible to know someone and not know what they are capable of.
Domestic Violence isn't a joke and people like you make women like her scared of standing up and saying HELP ME!! because apparently it's all in their heads! It's not on. It looks like you don't know both sides of the story and your only listening to his side.
Sorry to the OP I was just checking up to see if you had messaged back and were OK?
Thank you :-) things are really looking up now, and the guilt has gone about the whole situation he is capable of controlling his own actions and I am not taking the blame. I have got legal advice and going to be following through with it.