Firstly, I am an imperfect mum. I admit it wholeheartedly.
And I'd love some advice from other non-perfect mums.
No judgement, name calling, finger pointing, because I really am in a fragile state.
My only brother, whom I have always been close to, recently married the woman of his dreams.
She's beautiful. But detests our family. She's had a very privledged life on the north-shore of Sydney, has the same friends from kindergarten and there seems to be no room for new friends or relatives.
They got married two months ago, and decided to have no children at the wedding. We travelled 3000km to attend. My 3yo and 6yo - their only niece and nephew- were left in a hotel room with my MIL who drove a 2000km round trip to mind them.
This was because we were told verbally and on the invitation, strictly no children.
Yet, there were several children at the wedding, as we found out, because their parents couldn't find alternative care (the MC's children, high school friend of the bride's children).
Things were rocky between my brother and I after he told me no kids, he even told me we wouldn't be able to attend, that my husband could, if we couldn't find care.
Two months after the wedding, the new bride was showing me wedding photos and there were several of her with the children at the wedding.
I exploded and told her what I thought of her decision, how hurt I was and the fact it was a very public ceremony on a beach in Balmoral in Sydney and that people were stopping with their dogs to watch (literally!) while her only niece and nephew were in a hotel down the road.
Our children are very well behaved.
The upshot is, they haven't spoken to me since Then. They didn't acknowledge my recent birthday, my son's third birthday or wish us merry Christmas - the first time it's happened.
I tried to call tonight as I don't want this to go further than it has only to find they have blocked my mobile number and blocked me on Facebook.
Apparently my brother has told my parents I have serious mental issues (?) and he won't speak to me again until I seek therapy.
My husband says, let it ride for a few months. That clearly, the relationship is over.
Please be gentle ladies as I really am very fragile. I adore my brother normally but found the wedding situation devastating, the fact his nephew and niece couldn't watch a 20 minute ceremony, not to mention the complete block on my phone calls.
Do I persist with this relationship?
He clearly wants nothing to do with me.
It's tough because he speaks and visits with my parents regularly from interstate and my parents and I are close.
6 Replies
You care about him, so yes its worth persuing. But your hubby is probably right about letting the dust settle for a bit, maybe a few weeks, and then seeing if you can contact them, perhaps through your parents or a letter?
It sounds as though after you blew up at her she has had a word in your brothers ear and made you sound crazy, without accepting any responsibility. But she is his wife, so he will more than likely side with her. What was her response after you told her why you were upset about the kids?
I totally get why you would of been hurt about that, especially after seeing all the other kids at the wedding.
But it sounds like she is a bit of a selfish girl so you might have to be the bigger person here and mend the bridges if you want to all get along.
Give it time and space. Personally I wouldn't be offended about my kids not being invited to my sisters weddings. It's there wedding and they invite who they want. My son was not invited to one sisters wedding and it didn't bother me at all. In fact I had a great time because I didn't have to watch kids. My son was in the hotel room and seriously he had a much better time watching DVDs and isn't scarred by this. I also don't expect cards for my child from my relatives or friends. If someone does great but it's always a surprise. Birthday cards are just not important to some people and I have better things to do than worry about someone having forgotten. I think probably by getting bogged down in what is right/wrong etc you have probably pushed them away. Give it time relax, in a few years you may see that things that seemed so dreadfully important at one time just aren't a big deal to everyone.
I agree with your hubby, let the dust settle for the time being. His wife has probably had a word in his ear persuading this decision, unfortunately (this is one of the things I dread with having sons) wives tend to be able to sway their hubby's thoughts. Maybe for future reference instead of going off at her have a chat to hubby yell and scream about it (most men don't listen anyway) that way you can keep quiet to your SIL and not worry as much about not being able to contact your brother.
Oh know EXACTLY how you feel. My brother got married last year, and apparently my 7yo daughter was too old to be a flower girl, and my 3yo son would only be accepted as a ring bearer if he behaved himself. I accepted their decision on my son (he can be difficult), but was hurt FOR my daughter. Was told by both that they were only having under 5yo attendants from her sisters kids. Arrived at the wedding to find 7 kids under 10yo in the wedding party, and not all of them family. I WAS PISSED (still am,and her sister agrees with me), but I held my peace.
Fast forward to Christmas. My brother came up for 10 days (my parents were O/S, SIL lives local with her parents while brother is at military posting) and I made it clear I would love to have a day together with them as a family on their terms. Didn't happen. They had dinners and events (on FB) with friends and her family, but I got 30 minutes after a texted cancellation.
I can honestly say worst Christmas ever (other unrelated crap happened too). So I sat my brother down and let him have it. The wife finally came to make uncomfortable peace the other day, but I think it will be civil for a long time.
What I'm getting at is.... stay in contact with your brother. Use your parents phone to call HIM, and accept that they have different priorities from you. They are still in their honeymoon phase, so he will defend the wife regardless.
Don't worry about missed birthdays and stuff (I have only ever received texts for birthdays and Christmas), at least you are all healthy and sheltered, so there is still time to reconnect.
Good luck. Xoxo
Obviously she hammed the story up to him and now this is the result. Why are your parents not helping you... You have your brothers address, write them a letter and tell them how you feel even though they probably won't write back but you have said your peace. That way you are getting things off your chest. In the letter tell them you love them even though she isn't nice, she is now family. You may have to be the bigger person. You love your brother and deep down he loves you. Stay positive, don't give up, it will turn out right in the end.
My brother did the same after our dad passed away. We didn't speak for 6 years and I know most of it was his wife's doing. Yes , it broke my heart, but I just got on with my life. When his wife's mother passed away, it made her realise how important family is and my girls and I were invited to spend Christmas with them. Things aren't back to normal, but at least they're not as strained. Be patient. Big hugs xxx