Hi IM's, my marriage ended in 2008 and after 5 years I started dating a wonderful man. We have been together now for over a year and while there are always the 'teething' problems in any relationship things are moving forward. I have four children, 2 of them are now adults and have moved out of home, my other two are teenagers and still living at home with me and go to school. He has three children, the youngest is 19. I believe once a child stops learning then they should be supporting themselves, if they live at home they should contribute to the cost of running the house, pay board etc and they should never ask for money from their parents - yes it is OK to give them a loan, but it must be paid back and if its not paid back then they should not be given any more money for free. My questions is this - his 19 year old daughter has 'loaned' money before and not paid it back, she only works part time and doesnt seem to be driven to do anything else with her life other than what she is doing now. She lives at home with her mother who enables her to do this having no expectations on her to change her lifestyle and giving her money, a car, and anything else she wants. She continually asks her father for money and he constantly says no but it has now come to the stage where she has accused him of giving me money (he doesnt) and not her and that if he wont give her money then he should forget she exists. She never puts any effort into their relationship, the only time he hears from her is to ask for money, she never visits him or calls him just to say hello and see how he is. Their contact is always him calling her and making the effort to visit. Dont get me wrong, I absolutely believe he should be putting in that effort but at her age she is old enough to maintain their relationship too. I find this behavior despicable but stay out of it and just support him when she makes the phone calls, messages etc demanding money and even telling him that her mother does so he should too. I believe this is all fitting in with her mothers agenda of which she knows that the only way she can 'get to him' is through their daughter - she is very bitter - he loves his daughter very very much. She is behaving terribly and is an entitled brat but with all that considered the fact remains - he loves his kids and I would hate to see him lose contact with them. I would love your advice on how to help him through this sad time.
2 Replies
Im sorry but she sounds like a spoilt little ungrateful brat. Sorry but it had to be said. Personally, i think u and ur husband are doing a great job of sticking to your guns and not just giving her everything she asks for. It definitely sounds like something her mother has turned her into.
From my experience with teenagers (I'm a high school teacher), some just lack the motivation to do things or accomplish things because they know they will still get everything they need from their parents, or in your case, parent. Also, some lack the motivation because they just haven't found what they are passionate about. In ur step daughters case, i think its a bit of both. If she is living with her mother, the mother should be doing everything she can to help her to be more of a young adult. Due to the fact that she pretty much only communicates with her father when she wants something, it must be so difficult for him to build a positive relationship with her to even begin to influence her in a productive way. I know this may sound stupid but is there any way ur husband can have a decent chat with the mother and come to some kind of agreement? i know u said that she is bitter etc but i think she needs to understand that if she truly loves her daughter, she needs to guide her into becoming an independent young adult rather than spoiling her. Thats not doing anyone any good and especially not her daughter. The other option might be for your husband to have a chat with his daughter about it all. I know she probably won't listen but maybe even if he comes across as sounding like a broken record, hopefully it might sink in some day?
I think this is both the actual parents problem. She has obviously always gotten what she wants from her dad otherwise she wouldn't be behaving this way to him. Yeah her mum maybe egging him on but if he'd held firm a long time ago he wouldn't be going through this now. Also it would be natural to assume you are taking what she wrongly feels entitled to if he grew a back bone after he met her.
Just be a good listener. It's all you can do.