Ok here goes...
My partner and I have been together for 7 years and have 3 beautiful children together. He has a pot addiction. A really bad one.
Started off as regular pot but for the past 3 years has been smoking the synthetic stuff you can just walk into a shop and buy.
This stuff is evil. It is soooo bad. This has destroyed our lives and his health. He now has bi polar/schizophrenic psychosis and is on something like 16 pills a day to stabilize his mood.
He has had numerous stints in detox centres and recently a proper rehab program which he left early. Not to mention the financial cost. At one stage it was a 700 pw habit. He was smoking 7+ grams a day. I am now in bad debt, with things like bills piling up and adding up to thousands of dollars.
He has cheated on me with a woman he was seeing while I was heavily pregnant and in the first few weeks after our 3rd child was born.
He has promised this and that, swore time after time he would quit etc but he always relapses and our life returns to what it was.
He is in hospital as we speak for what they think may be heart failure. He is 26.
I give my absolute 100% to my 3 children. I shield them as much as I possibly can from this life. He seems to have little interest in them.
I hardly know him from the person I fell in love with. Many times I have told him I am leaving but his mental state is just so fragile I am scared for him if I do. I am the only support he has left. The life he is living is tragic and I just feel as though I can't give up on him when everyone else has.
I just can't see a way out of this life.
11 Replies
Oh Hun I'm so sorry. I have watched my partners drug addiction and it was horrible. I didn't stay around for it though, in the time that we weren't together he wasn't a good father or person. The hardest part is that you do have to make that decision on whether or not you leave until he gets better. If you do, at any stage you blame yourself for anything he does or anything that happens its not your fault, he has had plenty of opportunity to get this battle done with you. Sometimes in order to help the ones we love we have to let them go, even if its just for a short time, because they have to help themselves and be the ones who do it not you. Do what you think is right for you and your children for now, you can't always save everyone else but you and your children can be lucky enough to leave that and make a chance. It might be the kick in the arse he needs to get better. I hope you can find your way through this, good luck *hugs*
Hugs for you, I can only imaging how isolating this who thing must be. If you feel it's time. See information from centreline etc and work with those people who you have debt with. Most companies would rather you keep small payments Han nine at all and it would help your credit record long term. I could have written some of this story I too have a partner that is pot dependant, hasn't bothered with the fake stuff, but has only cut down never quit. I know the feeling of being in a cage with out a door. You want your family whole, but at what cost? I walk this daily. Can you talk to a trusted friend who won't freak out with te details? Maybe the the GP can put you contact with a free community health person to help your family out.
:(
My partner was addicted to ice, so not entirely the same, but we were in a very similar situation. He was always more interested in everything else rather than our kids. I tried to help him when everyone else bailed, but honestly it will never work unless they want to help themselves. It took for my partner to go to jail and miss some very significant moments in our life for him to want to help himself. We are still together, but I can confidently say that if he hadn't have gone to jail we wouldn't be together now.
I know all to well that feeling of not wanting to leave them on their own, in fear of what might happen to them. However living the way you are isn't fair on yourself or your kids.
What helped ME the most (for my kids & I, not my partner), was seeing a psychologist, someone who could listen to what I had to say without judgement, to point me in the right direction of services that could help us (financial, Childcare help, food help etc etc).
Don't let him put you in more debt, it will bring you down in so many ways.
I know you must love him, if your stuck like this. It's time to put yourself and your kids first though, perhaps that means leaving him for however long it takes him to sort his shit out, or giving him an ultimatum.
Sorry for the babble.
Xx I hope you find what works for you
Sadly, the chances of your children not understanding what is going on is extremely slim. I stayed for similar reasons (& to be honest I couldn't see the forest for the trees), but thought I'd successfully shielded my children. It was only after I packed them up & left that I discovered they were on fact protecting me. They knew exactly what was happening, but didn't want to make me 'sad' by talking about it.
He is a grown man making his own decisions. Tough love can work for adults too....you may need to leave him for him to seek treatment & stick with it. If he chooses not to; it is on him, not you.
Please don't make the same mistakes I did...it has been 3years & my kids are still dealing with what they lived through & I will feel tremendous guilt for the rest of my life.
Good luck to you & your children.
There are some really useful children's books to explain addiction; especially if the parent is going to rehab.
For younger children, try:
Mommy's Gone to Treatment, by Denise D. Crosson Ph.D (Central Recovery Press, 2008)
Mommy's Coming Home From Treatment, by Denise D. Crosson Ph.D (Central Recovery Press, 2009)
A Terrible Thing Happened, by Margaret M. Holmes (Magination Press, 2000)
There are some really useful children's books to explain addiction; especially if the parent is going to rehab.
For younger children, try:
Mommy's Gone to Treatment, by Denise D. Crosson Ph.D (Central Recovery Press, 2008)
Mommy's Coming Home From Treatment, by Denise D. Crosson Ph.D (Central Recovery Press, 2009)
A Terrible Thing Happened, by Margaret M. Holmes (Magination Press, 2000)
I am so sorry to hear that this synthetic poison has destroyed yet another life. :-(
He is going to need long-term psychiatric care, but he can get better. Like most people who got sucked into smoking synthetic cannabis, he probably thought he was doing the right thing, because it was touted as 'the natural alternative' to pot. Unfortunately, what it really is is a range of psychoactive research chemicals, usually bought online from factories in Asia, dissolved in acetone (think nail polish remover), and sprayed in various quantities onto a bunch of dried herbs and other leafy matter. It is not related to cannabis in any way - it is a marketing trick.
What you are dealing with is not a pot habit - research shows that it is closest in every way to a meth addiction, and once you are addicted, it is beyond free will.
He will not get better unless he stays in rehab, and the regular 3 week program is not going to cut it. I would strongly suggest that you send him to stay with his family until he goes. He doesn't know what he is doing, and that can be very dangerous to both you and your children.
If you want to stay with him, tell him that you support him, and that you will be there for him when he recovers, but that you need to do what is best for the kids while he is still sick.
Please understand that this person you see has no control over himself right now. Everything he has done since the addiction took hold has been beyond his control, because these research chemicals actually alter your brain chemistry - that is what they are designed to do. They were being developed for therapeutic use, but scientists have been unable to make them safe.
These drugs are EXTREMELY dangerous; unfortunately most people trust our laws to keep ensure their safety, and until recently even children could buy this stuff over the counter at the service station!
There are a few FB pages that can help with information - one is 'To the Maximus Foundation', there is also 'SAFE for Emily', and 'The Dakota Dyer Foundation'.
For anyone who doesn't know about this stuff, here is a video to show your teens: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AyGSg2szdkw
I am so, so sorry. :-(
Iam so sorry this has happened to you it sounds like such a hard suituation. I suggest that while he is in hospital tell him how u feel, that u don't want him back if his going to take the drugs, and that you must put your children first which means he needs to leave, perhaps even contact his parents and explain what you are going to tell him and maybe they will help support him through this and help burden some of the drama you are taking on. Then if he does have a break down at least his in hospital and they can care for him in a safe place. Perhaps try and find a place for him to go once he gets out of hospital and move his things before he leaves so he can't come back to your place and try and stay. It sounds to me your at breaking point with dealing with his addiction, it's time to put u and ur kids first and if this means he has to leave then that's what it means. Make sure when he leaves that you and ur children seek some sort of councling to get your heads right this is not just his addiction it's your families as his addiction effects everyone, good luck and best wishes
Sounds like he has given up on himself. It's not fair to you to try and 1. Support him; 2. Be a Mum & Dad to your kids; 3. Provide for the whole family. From what you said he is not interested in being part of the family or putting the needs of any of you before himself & his pot addiction. I know how you feel & what you're going through (to an extent) - I was married to a man with a similar problem. I decided that I didn't want my kids thinking it was normal to have a bong in the house, or stink like marijuana, or be glassy eyed & spaced out all the time. My ex husband couldn't go more than a couple of hours without it. My kids deserved better, I deserved better & he proved to me time and time again that he didn't deserve or want us around. I didn't tell him I was leaving, I just left, with the kids and although it was hard (they were 3 & 1.5) it was the BEST thing I ever did. That was 7 years ago....... Personally I think that your concern for him is wasted as it seems he has none for you or your children together - don't waste anymore of your life on this lost cause, if he doesn't want to help himself you can't do anything for him. Good luck to you xx
I read this and cried for you, myself and all others that have had to experience this.
My situation is a little different yet still the same so I want to share with you in the hope that what has helped me may help you even if only to show you you are not alone.
My husband has been an ice addict for 6 years. Different drug and different effects but same financial impact and personality change. My husband started 'disappearing' overnight then anything up to 8 days (so 8 days of not being able to call him or know where he was or when/if he'd come back) he'd come home then disappear again. He wouldnt know where he was or what day it was when he finally came to. At his worst he would spend up to $800 each disappearance and has gotten us into a lot of dept. I had to open a separate account and hide money just so I had money to buy food for our children and would use every cent we had without thinking about us. Any money I saved I would have to use to pay bills or people that he owed.
In the start he would blame me and became a very controlling person. I took it all. After all he was such a great guy and it must be my fault, why else would someone else do that if they loved me like he said he did?
He totally abandoned us many times. Took the car when we only had one car. Leave kids at childcare or school and take the car so I had no way of getting them so I would have to walk kilometres often in the rain holding my babies because he'd left us. He'd go to the shop to buy nappies a d not come home. I would cry every time he would disappear and worry so much until one night I didn't cry anymore.
I thought I was strong and just went about with my life without him. He'd come back and act as if nothing had happened. It was too hard for me to talk about so I didn't.
In feb this year I went into labour with our son during one of my husbands disappearances. He couldn't be contracted and didn't come home until 2 days after our son was born. I defended him, I lied for him and I honestly believed he was a great person but the honest truth was that the person I loved had left me a long time ago and had been replaced by an addict that cared more about getting his next hit then me.
I ended up getting very depressed and it took me a long time to get myself ok again. I thought I was sheltering and protecting my children but then my daughter developed anxiety and even now she has emotional meltdowns and constantly asked me if I am coming back even if I just go to the toilet without her and am my even leaving the house.
You can not change someone that is not willing to change themselves. It took me leaving before my husband actually admitted he had a problem and wet to get help. He promised me for years he'd stop but he never really admired he was an addict an thought he could control it. He couldn't.
I know it's hard to leave and no one should tell you to leave. You will feel guilty if you did as you do not sound ready but please know you can not help someone that isn't ready to help themselves so you need to help yourself and your children because as strong as I am sure you are you need to talk to someone and get it out.
I felt like I was keeping a huge secret that I would almost convince myself must be a lie. I felt I couldn't talk to anyone as I didn't want them to think my husband was a bad person when he wasn't but in doing so I isolated myself.
Please see a councillor or someone and please talk about it. Be strong for you an your kids. When your partner is ready he will get the help he needs.
I hope it doesn't take too much longer x
open up a separate bank account and speak to your local department for health , help for him and take him to a medical centre medicare will cover 10 sessions with what they think is necessary , also for you get some help for a physiologist ,wake up sister you are playing the victim this is a new year for you , do not be bringing up the kids in this environment , it is not fair. contact a budget help line like my budget in Australia, be your best friend ,