Am I alone?
I have 4 children, 2 of the children are hard work! I don't mean your run of the mill kids are in general "hard work".
I mean, I want to run away and never come back, don't think I love them hard work.
While the 2 are with their father my home is clean and happy, I'm happy! I smile and laugh I enjoy life and have fun with the other 2.
When these 2 come home I cry n yell and scream, I'm angry and tired, I'm not a nice person let alone a nice mum.
I work 20hrs a week and have done things like hire a cleaner so I can get some down time, I've let their dad take them as offten as possible.
I've done parenting courses and seen a phycologist, I get family to help as offten as possible.
I honestly don't like them and really feel no love towards them anymore.
They have been home 3hrs n put holes in my wall, flattened my car battery.
Am I the only mum who has wanted to give up on her children?
I've asked their dad to take them full time but he they don't want to go!
I'm so lost and emotional drained from them I don't know what to do.
Don't want my kids
Don't want my kids
Posted in:
Parenthood Guilt, Kids
7 Replies
Firstly, the children are a creation of their environment - BE HAPPY!!
Take them out often - parks, beach, walks etc. LEARN to LOVE them again! keep them BUSY so they dont have time to "be naughty" Good luck...you CAN do this!!
I think when you have 'difficult' children I think it is easier yo loose sight. But they are your kids and we don't get to give up just because we don't like the way things are turning out. We have to dig and find solutions. So if that means your kids need assessments done at a paediatrcian, need there own psychologists, ADD medication whatever that is and combination of things you need to do and as the first responder make an effort to bond with them, keep them busy. Yeah its tough but if the dad said I never want them how would you feel? Would you be angry for your kids that there dad had rejected them or would be angry you no longer had respite? Dont give up on your kids. I know what its like to have a son that is challenging and it was so worth the work. yeah I had to have a game plan that I followed to the letter but over time because I followed that game plan things got so so so so so much better and now Im no longer exhausted
I have felt like this about my kids at times, but when all is said and done I would not want to be without them. I was brought up by an abusive mother who should never have had kids and quite obviously only loved 1 out of her 3 children. It was very damaging, the lack of love, even more than the abuse. I wish she had given us up for adoption as I might not have spent 40 years undoing all the trauma. If you don't love your kids, or don't love them enough to want to commit to parenthood, then they are better off living with their father or someone else. They will sense that you do not really want them around, and it may be that their behaviour is (partially) a reaction to this feeling of rejection. Is it really that you don't think you love them, or that you are just not feeling the love you know is there?
I just re-read your question, and I see that you have "difficult" kids. So I can empathise that you may, deep down, love them but you are not really feeling love toward them right now? Would that be accurate?
It may be that they have behavioural problems, like ADHD and need professional assessment. Kids like this can be VERY draining.
Recently I have been through a tough time with my teenage daughter and I wanted to "escape" from the relationship for awhile too. I think in ANY relationship we go through periods like this. The answer for me, was to build a better connection with her rather than try to avoid her. I worked on building a deeper connection with her through doing things like spending one-on-one time with her, even when I DID NOT FEEL LIKE IT. This seems counter-intuitive, but it was key.
You and the kids might also benefit from family counselling?
My heart goes out to you. I hope you can find some professional support to talk through your feelings, and to screen for depression too. I came across this blog post recently, I hope that it encourages you: http://www.incourage.me/2013/07/when-you-feel-like-running-away.html
I am a single parent of 3. 2 of my children have behavioural disorders. And more often than not I do not want to be in this house anymore and I do not want to have to live with the hell I am. I don't think it's you don't love your children I think it's more you do not like their behaviour. And because they are so unrelentlessly naughty your feelings of dislike towards their behaviour has clouded your emotions. I'll bet you almost dread the very moment they wake up or you do every day. It is a very hard place to be. I was this way before all the pead appointments and Red Cross appointments and naturopath appointments. And before my doctors appointments, my psych appointments and my antidepressants. Please don't give up. Your kids are more than likely behaving the way they are because they pick up on it from you. I know my children play up in the worst ways when I have had a really bad day. They pick up on it. And they will run circles around you until your absolutely exhausted and feel like your ready to walk out the door and never come back. I'm not saying your children have behavioural disorders but with solid routine, structure, discipline and boundaries things should improve. My life was chaos before I put those four things in place and now me and my children are so much better off. Hugs to you mumma. Keep going one foot at a time it's a long hard road but it's worth it.
how old are the children who are playing up? is it a possibility to organise family counselling with them where you can talk with them and explain that your not coping with there behaviiour and when they play up it makes you not want to spend time with them? and that you miss the loving helpful children they used to be..
I have been in a similar situation i almost walked out on my two kids, i wasnt coping, didnt want them, knew i would fuck them up more if i stayed... eventually i got a break for a weekend, and decided im not going to keeep down this road as im going to have a mental breakdown and kill myself...
I came back refreshed, although still mentally unstable, i didnt hide or hold back my tears, i stopped reacting in anger and just talking to them like a friend about how their bahaviour was affecting me... when they saw how much i was getting upset it really sunk in that i am human too and i can break. 6 months on, although i still have to be a parent and discipline at times, we spend more time hanging out doing stuff as friends, helping each other..
I know you say that you dont feel love for them, and i know that you do think thats how you feel - i have felt it too, but think for one minute if something every happened to them whether it be seriously injured or killed would it affect you? and just from you writing in and admtting how you feel shows that somewhere inside you do still love these children, just that they have pushed and pushed and pushed to the point where you cant renew that level of patience you once had for them. Its ok to be vulnerable in front of your children, they need to know that if they push a persons buttons too much they break also, but it needs to be in a constructive way that helps them see their hurting you, these children love you mumma, get a break away for a couple days from all the children if you can, have some you time, pamper yourself and try to come back with a different approach xxxxx