I am very trapped And sorry for having to write this here. I am really unsure what to do. I am very broken.
Being a mother and seeing my kids suffer is really tearing me apart. They still love him their father but I think its time I have to let him go. My kids cant be witnesses to abuse and abuse of our pets. He still doesnt see a problem with his behaviour. I am trying so hard. I dont know how to just leave how can I make it feel ok without that part of me always always second guessing and feeling like I cant. I dont know what to do anymore. I am failing everything. I dont know why I feel he needs to knock sense into me to leave. I know this should be enough but why cant I feel ok. It feels so wrong.
((I am recieving help))
3 Replies
I am so glad you said you are receiving help.
I've not been as far down the rabbit hole as you are but was in an abusive relationship at 20. It was so hard to break things off and take my power back. It was one day at a time, but breaking free was the best thing I ever did. Sure things were tough and it took awhile to find myself but anyone who knows me now would not believe for one second that I was in an abusive relationship because they think if me as a warrior woman.
It's hard to imagine I know, ever feeling that strong and capable and not taking that shit anymore. But here I am.
Keep getting the help and one day it will seem so clear you won't be able to make any other choice.
I was also in an abusive relationship which my son unfortunately had to witness until he was nearly 1.5 years old. In an abusive relationship, the abuser keeps a control over you making you feel dependent on them although at the same time you know inside that it is causing you problems. Unfortunately the abuser doesn't always see that their behaviour is wrong also. Find your inner strength and hold it for your children. Leaving and finding yourself again and embracing a positive lifestyle is what you need. The first step can be hard but definitely worth it. Remember that your happiness and independence will only be positive on your children.
I have only just recently myself seperated from my abusive husband. Although it was mostly verbal, emotional and mental abuse ( put downs, insults, never doing anything right etc) it has been physical many times. Trapped was exactly how I felt.
You can do it! Don't make his issues your issues. My husband also didn't see an issue with his behavior and it was always " my fault". I can't not begin to tell you how relieved, free and at peace I feel without him. Sure it's tough and I cry non stop ( not over him, but because we share custody of the kids and I cry over what could have been if only.. If only he could be the man i fell in love with originally)
Take one day at a time. I found writing all his negative behaviors and even writing down all those incidences where I'd been attacked and how I felt helped me. Whenever I even thought of maybe taking him back or feeling guilty, I'll read it and find my strength and resolve again.
Good luck! I hope you can come out the other side