Ok, so my 4 adult sons (over 28 yo) always butt heads. 1 and 3 think 2 is the favorite child. no.4 is loved by all, and gets along with all of them. He is the fair haired brother.
No. 3 is aggressive and has a major personality disorder with violent tendency. He is verbally abusive and threatens me with physical violence. I don't think he would follow through but not really the point.
No. 1 is Lifes victim. Nothing is ever his fault, I am to blame for his bad life apparently, although he chose to live with his father and not me. again happy to verbally abuse me. Expects money to get him out of troublem but spends it on booze instead.
No. 2 has had his problems but seems to have straightened out and is happy. We get along just fine. No. 4 is the same.
I get badly hurt by abusive phone calls, I help them and get abused in the next breath. The good I do is never remember, any time I have said no is never forgotten. I am on struggle street, and don't have the financial position to constantly help them out.
I feel guilty that I didn't do enough for them growing up but I was a teen when they were born. I didn't know how to parent well.
Do I just give up on my adult kids?
4 Replies
I don't think you give up but I think you seek professional support for your self so you can get quality advice so you aren't enabling (making the situation worse) and setting safe and healthy boundaries.
My son has had a rough two years and I just can't imagine giving up, I don't believe you stop being a parent.
That doesn't mean they get to treat you like shit though, and a psychologist could help you find that balance.
Life is what you make of it! I was also a teen when my son was born, yes it was hard but only for me never for him! His dad left when he was two, and to be honest was a lot easier to be a single working mum than to have someone never there that was suppose to be. If my son acted out on me and blamed me for his "bad" life I would have to cop that on the chin I think!
I have been lucky an he has turned out amazing! Maybe sit down with them and hear them out? You are their mum and they are your baby's no matter how old they are. Fix things mumma, never give up!xx
I think this answer depends on what happened in their childhood. My husband's mother is a nice enough woman if you met her, but my husband had a rough upbringing because of her choices. She was an alcoholic and smoke pot. Had drop beat boyfriend after drop beat boyfriend. Eventually had a 9 year relationship with a man who psychologically and occasionally physically abused my husband and his sister, yet she stayed. Borrowed money, she never returned. Generally very selfish. For my husband, she brings toxic feelings. He's angry when she's around. If you were to get her side of the story only - it sounds much like yours. Her mean nasty adult kids (his sister is even less tolerant of her). She acts like she doesn't know why they have issues with her and cries to all her friends about how terribly she's treated. Now I'm not saying for a minute that you've done anything wrong at all. But if there were things that happened in their childhood, that was damaging for them, maybe giving them space from you is best. Or counseling?
Time for tough love!! It's not giving up it's teaching them to be men! How dare they talk to anyone that way, especially the woman who brought them into the world. I would cut contact unless they can be respectful, stick to your word though or it won't mean anything. Even though every part of your maternal instincts are screaming out to rescue them, don't! If you do you're showing them it's an empty threat and it's okay to treat you like shit because you will always come running. You're doing them no favours letting them act like that.. Do they treat their wives and girlfriends the same? Their children? Nope, time to learn some respect and how to be nice!