"People like you don't deserve to be pregnant."
Let me tell you a little about me. I'm 28, dark blonde, about 163cm tall. I weigh about 65 kilos. I like music, I play the piano, I like to sew. I enjoy going out for lunch/coffee/shopping with friends. I laugh, I cry, I had a FarmVille addiction, just like everyone else.
Oh yeah, and I'm in a wheelchair. Well, not right now. At home, I get around on a walking frame.
Someone who knows less about me than you do told me that. In a maternity clinic waiting room. When I was 5 months pregnant.
Here's what I think. If you aren't already, sit down. Are you any less capable of seeing/hearing/speaking/thinking than you were when you were standing up?
I became physically disabled at 22, because of a brain haemorrhage. And regrettably, the above is not the most hurtful thing I've heard. The people who have tried to heal me through the power of God, the people who tell me I'm so lucky my husband married me in spite of my disabilities, the people who tell me I'm just not trying hard enough to get better, the people who speak loudly/slowly to me - the list goes on. These people are misguided. Well intentioned, but just misguided.
I was in my wheelchair, waiting for my husband. A child and her mother were sitting on a bench near me. The child pointed at me, and said "Mummy, what's wrong with her?". I felt that mother cringe. The most hurtful, humiliating moment of the last 5.5 years came next. "Shh" she said.
I bet a lot of those misguided people were shh'd by their parents too. It's ok to ask. It should always be ok to ask. Take the opportunity to discuss appropriate timing/volume/phrasing of questions. But once the question has been asked, it's out there. And shhing makes it taboo.
I'm sure a child being less than the adult-accepted tactful at full volume would cause most of us to cringe. I'd cringe. But in my experience, a child isn't trying to be rude. They're just curious. And that's ok. I'd rather a direct question than the more socially-polite murmurings behind my back.
I've read here quite a few times that parents don't know what to say to children about people in wheelchairs etc. If you have the time, introduce your children and yourself, and encourage your children to ask their questions directly. Would you be offended if a child asked why you had brown/short/curly hair? Disability is the same. It just is.
25 Replies
Thanks for posting this. By the qualities you've displayed in this post I bet you make an amazing mother :-)
What a great post. Sounds like you'll be an amazing mum with her head screwed on right.
Some people are just ignorant and stupid. Ignore them
Hmmm, some people really should think before they speak. You sound intelligent and caring; I'm not in a wheelchair but have two chronic health problems and to some degree it does impact on my parenting but it certainly doesn't make me a bad mother. Good Luck with it all Honey. BTW I never shoosh my kids when they ask questions like that I try and give some sort of explanation.
Firstly I would like to say Congratulations on your pregnancy!
As for being in a wheel chair - who cares! You are probably more "capable" than a lot of other mothers out there!!!
Good on you for speaking about your issues. My kids often ask Q as to why people "look" different and I do try to explain to them and I have also asked the person in the wheel chair etc. kids are curious like you said.
All the best x
Just wanted to say a thank you for posting this. As a mother of really young boys have been asking myself what to say to them in this situation. U sound like such a strong person/ woman /mother congratulations to I u r am inspiration.
I don't know you - only what i have read here but it sounds like you left strong, proud and intelligent out of your description of yourself. Thank you for raising a topic that a lot of parents and people don't know how to tackle when their children are curious and congratulations on your journey into motherhood by the sounds of things your child/ren are lucky to have an awesome parent who will raise them to be well rounded individuals. As for the ignorants in our society lets just hope that as we grow and educate our children the stigma and pre-judgement towards those that have a disability or are different will dissolve as our community becomes more accepting of every individual.
I'm literally sitting here unable to properly articulate how I feel right now. Your writing takes you in, I felt what you felt. You're an incredible woman and I am we are all so blessed to have you mother alongside us. Thank you thank you for raising this!
Your simply amazing to share your story. People are blinded by alot in todays world. Ignore the negativity your doing everything right
What an amazing "other side of the fence" story! I'm so sorry you received those hurtful comments! But I have to admit, I may have been one of those "shhhing" parents before reading this but now I know better, so thank you!
In many ways I think you were too forgiving to those people who are so rude! (People like you don't deserve to be pregnant? Doesn't sound very well intentioned to me!) I certainly agree, I try to answer my children's innocent questions honestly... I think i would have said to my 3 year old that that lovely lady needs her wheels to help her get around, it's hard to know if it's the right thing to say but I think it's better than shushing :)
You are an amazing woman. Thankyou for sharing and thankyou for telling it how it is. God Bless You and Your Family.
Anything is better than shushing. Once the question is asked, it's out there. We all get to choose how we deal with it. :)
You are going to be an amazing mother, thank you for sharing xx
You are going to be an amazing mother, thank you for sharing xx
Well said! I give my kids the simple answer of "maybe that person's legs don't work".when our older two kids were born, one of our neighbours was a paraplegic due to a back injury, so our boys saw from an early age how able our friend could be. He was a single dad of 2 kids after losing his wife in the same accident.
Thank you! As the mother of a (late) disabled child, I can identify with all of those things on his behalf. Thank you.
This is wonderful. I try to teach my daughter (and my son, though he's still a bit young to grasp it properly) that just because someone is different, wheelchair, crutches, spots, anything, doesn't mean they want to be treated different. Lovely little girl that she is, she will help someone in need rather than leave them. If that's all I teach her, then I'll be happy.
Thank you for writing this. Sometimes it is hard to judge what is the right thing to do in these situations, so thank you for giving is a glimpse of you and your life.
i want to share what my son was like at two, and i hope you get a giggle.
For what ever reason, when he was little, he was slightly afraid of people in wheelchairs - and on push bikes, I think he thought both were some kind of scary robot, he didn't get that the 'metal' parts weren't actually part of you. And honestly, I didn't know how to explain to him what was really going on.
That was until one day out the front of a hospital. A very cool old man who had just lost his leg took a shine to my little man and started talking to him. Seb was stand offish. He was talking, but wouldn't get close for the man to touch him. I felt so bad, because i could see is all the the old guy wanted was to shake his hand. I told the old guy that for what ever reason, Seb was afraid of his chair. Instead of being offended, he kept talking to seb, showed him what the chair looked like, and that yes, he could get out of it. It wasn't fused to him! After a while, seb got closer and eventually the old guy sat him up on his good leg. Because of that old guy, he taught my son that he was just human, and i am so grateful to him, because I was out of my depth. The next time Seb came across some one in a wheelchair, he tried to 'help' and tried to take for a 'ride' as he said. It was no less embarrassing for me, but my son was just playing.
i hope this gave you a giggle, and hope that not every mother ssshhh's their child.
My daughter is only 1 but as she gets older and begins to ask questions, I will be following your advice completely. I wish every parent could read this article! Congratulations on your pregnancy, you will be an amazing mother and role model for your child.
I can not believe someone told you that you don't deserve to be pregnant. That is absolutely discusting I literally can't get my head around that. You are beauitful and you are strong. Thankyou for sharing your story. I will teach my son differences in us. The world would be boring of we were all the same. You will be a beauitful mother and your child(ren) will share the same beauitful morals you have just shown all of us. This post truly touched me. All the best for you and your husband on the beauitful journey of parenthood.
i have always encouraged my kids to ask if they dont know, even with things such as this.
It is frustrating though that not all physically disabled people see a childs question as innocent.
For example, A man was walking through the shopping center, he had an amputated right leg from the knee down and was getting around with crutches.... very admirable.... my son went to him and asked what had happened but the guy was so mean.
he grunted something under his breath, looked at me with a death stare and barged past my son, new he was about 4 at the time.
Its fine to say that kids dont intend on being mean but the physically disabled need to reciprocate the question in more of a composed way also.
But good on you though for not letting the comments stop you from being you, well done :)
There's losers in every walk of life. Physical disability, whether we like it or not, makes us fairly obviously different. And it is REALLY hard to adjust to that. Perhaps the last 100 questions that guy had weren't so innocent. Perhaps he was still adjusting. Perhaps he was just an a$$.
Let your kids know some people are like that, some aren't. It'll be a gradual change, but a necessary one :)
I couldn"t imagine the mental torment one goes through when they have a physical impairment, this however does not call for an individual shutting down a 4yr olds curiosity, they will be asked regardless of time frame.
people who have a physical disability ask to be accepted, why cant a 4 year old be accepted?
As I said, maybe they were just a jerk.
I absolutely agree. Everyone should be accepted. And everyone should be accepting. But they aren't.
I hope that one poor experience won't prevent you and your child trying again.
My 4 yr old daughter is always asking questions, but it's just because she's curious. I always try to answer her honestly about whatever she asks, that way she can learn about the world, and all the different people with all different abilities that are in it. When she's asked me about someone in a wheelchair before I told her that the person had difficulty walking, so needed a special chair to move around, and I didn't feel the need to lower my voice or avoid the issue at all. The lady in the wheelchair smiled and asked my daughter if she wanted to have a closer look at her special chair