My hubby & I don't see eye to eye with disciplining our children. He is strict, stern & has no problem giving them a smack if he feels it is necessary. I'm a stay at home mum so am home with them a majority of the time & I just don't want to spend my days yelling at them for every little thing just to 'put the fear in them' as he says. I'm just not that type of person & feel very unstable if I have to parent in that manner. I know it works for him & the kids listen to him but doesn't have the same effect when I try.
My question is does anyone have any ideas about other techniques I could try? Has anyone done a parenting course that they could recommend that I might benefit from? Any constructive advice appreciated but please don't tell me there's nothing wrong with his way....I was bought up with smacking/yelling and have nothing against it, it just doesn't work for me.
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4 Replies
There are so many other techniques :) In fact smacking and ruling by fear only works so long, they turn into teens, get bigger than you and work out that you can't smack hard enough or they can smack you harder! So you definitely need other techniques.
There are some excellent parenting programs out there such as the TripleP. It is evidence based so if you follow it it can make a real difference.
Some parenting basics that I learnt from working in a clinic where we taught parents to manage children with behavioural issues.
1. If your child asks for something and you are tired and likely to give in if they keep asking for it, it is best to just say YES the first time. Because if you don't follow through on that original NO kids learn they can wear you down. You want NO to mean NO and your kids to know you aren't going to waver under pressure. The day you have the energy so NO and mean it and don't change your mind.
2. Don't ask them to do something if you expect them to do it, TELL them. eg asking is 'would you like a bath' you just gave the child a choice so if they choose to respond with No you have nowhere to go. Telling them is 'It is time to go in the bath'. You've just told them its not up for debate and you will follow through.
3. When you tell them to do something don't yell but tell them in a clear firm voice. Give them 3 seconds to start moving but if they don't do it take them by the hand to do it. They will get the idea that they can't tune you out. If they go the first time praise the shit out of them.
4. Have routines and set expectations into those routines. Now Im not talking about running things in an army style way. But at certain times of the day the kids have inbuilt jobs so it gets to the point where you are not having to tell them what to do but they do them automatically. Eg my son learnt after 3 days of consistency that after he has finished dinner his plate goes in the sink, or before bath time we pack away toys. It takes some teaching and prompting to start off with but once it becomes routine you might need to remind but the yelling is gone because it is just part of the routine.
Thank you! I definitely can see a couple of things that I'm doing wrong just from reading your reply. Am going to look up triplep now. Really appreciate your help
Love this reply. I will implement these too. Especially, saying yes the first time when I'm exhausted.
Once kids realise that when mum says no she really means it, it's amazing how they learn not to keep asking. Oh if you are undecided on wether it's yes or no it's ok to say I need to think about it.