Quick back story - I have 3 boys. Eldest (9yrs) is 4.5 years older then number 2. My concerns are with him. I had him when I was 20 and I feel like my lack of knowledge/ maturity / life experiences have not made him the kid he could have been. He has a good heart but when it comes to his brothers I feel like he has no compassion. Just today his brother couldn't find his class amongst the rest of the school on assembly ( a school they have only been attending for 4 days so far) he went to him but when the deputy principle asked for everyone to be seated my eldest just walked away and sat with his own class leaving his little brother to find his class by himself. He is in pre-primary. And didn't know the teacher as it was a new one for the day. I was so mad when my eldest told me everything that happened cause it's not the first time that he has abandoned his brothers for his own safety (ie: didn't want to get in trouble)
Is this normal? Can I teach him to care more ? I have yelled and screamed and cried with him trying to explain we are a family and family look after eachother no matter what but it never sticks.
He is very selfish. My husband works away and my eldest has jobs to do but he never does them no matter what reward charts I give or consequences for not doing them. Half the time It's like he chooses not to do them so He can watch me get mad. He has lied and been very sneaky and decietful in the past year. I feel like I don't know how to get through to my own child.
Any advice? I dread waking up knowing we are going to have an argument about him not doing his jobs or him being horrible to his brothers. I don't want to resent my time with him but I'm starting to. I don't want this for us. He is my first born. My first bub. And I feel like our connection is lost
Did I raise him wrong?
Did I raise him wrong?
Posted in:
Parenthood Guilt, Kids
5 Replies
I have a 3 month old so zero experience, but maybe don't react? Since he doesn't do his things, don't do things for him?
Children should never be responsible for other children. He is 9 and it is ok if he looks after himself because that's who 9 year olds should be looking after. He isn't an adult and so therefor isn't going to make adult decisions. He is sometimes going to be selfish, he is sometimes going to be kind and he is sometimes going to be mean. But above all it is totally ok if he looks after himself at this age, because that is where a 9 year olds responsibilities lie, with themselves. It's why we don't let 9 year olds babysit. What you described all sounds like pretty typical 9 year old behaviour.
Doesn't mean that things that can't be worked on and improved but by knowing this is ok it will ease your concerns and stress.
It's quite natural for kids to be reminded or told to do there chores, or do some and not others. And it's quite natural for kids to do things or not to do things just to get under there parents skin. Bloody hell I still occasionally do it to my mum and I'm 40! It's normal.
Stop stressing about the chores and go and do some fun stuff with just him. Rebuild your bond, tell him about the great things he does. If he is doing something to get under your skin ignore him. Praise the shit out of him when he does the right thing. If you are going to use reward charts the reward needs to be quickly attainable (no longer than a week as 9 year olds give up easily) and he needs to get something that is worth his while, something that really excites him. But honestly 9 year olds see star charts as babyish.
Well said! I 100% agree and was looking for a way to express this.
I agree with that post. Making a child be selfless for another and always being in trouble over it could be exactly what has him feeling why not me? What makes him more important? And that would create resentment and him wanting to not do it.
Try lifting that burden from him, tell him it's ok, you can understand he was told to go to his class. Suggest next time he could take his brother to his teacher so he didn't get in trouble. He's Still only young himself in a very new school school.take care of him first gently and he will be better equipped to help them.you'll never get him to do it from his heart by yelling and screaming and lecturing and punishing and making it his job and telling him or even thinking he's awful or you've done a terrible job because he's so bad.
Yes it's normal. His 9.. He is not responsible for your other children..
All your doing is causing him to act out because your putting to much pressure and responsibility on him. Your causing the rift in your bond. Relax a little.. Let him be a child! You need to change your attitude towards him. Praise him, have fun with him otherwise he'll resent you and his siblings later on in life