I am really sorry for this long post but I really need some advice.
I am an Imperfect Mum who has experienced some home domestic violence. My question subject is because as I am not saying I am perfect, but today my husband and I had a pretty big argument and he is the type to only believe what he believes and not what anyone else says, so its always his way or no way. He talks over me, then it gets to the point where I have to shout to get my words across. Great communication hey. But today, I got so frustrated that I pushed him and then smacked his chest with both of my hands a few times because he just wouldn't listen. NOT AN EXCUSE at all, and I am angry with myself for just not walking away. However, I didn't expect to have happen what did next. It is a big blur, but he punched me in my face, and at some point held me down on my mouth with his forearm, and at another point pushed his forearm into my throat, where I was gasping for air. I KNOW what I did was wrong and probably deserving of being hit back. I don't know what to do. He is in a very highly respected job and I know we are breaking up. I don't want to call the police yet, I am really unsure because it all scares me. I couldn't get in to see my counsellor today for help, but I have called a on-line counselling support service to help me try and deal with it. I will go to the dr tomorrow to have my bruises medically reviewed and reported. I even had to urgently take a sick day from work. I realise that I am probably making excuses, and I need to report it all. I have no issues telling what I did, but did I provoke it, did I cause it? Is it my fault and am I deserving of it? I understand self defence and all. He is complaining of a sore neck and a few scratches. I have apologised to him, I am so remorseful. He eventually after yelling and blaming me gave a half arsed apology. He isn't coming back here after work tonight either. I just don't know what to do now.
Did I deserve it?
Did I deserve it?
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Mental Health, Behaviour
8 Replies
I think your both in a toxic relationship. Yeah it was wrong to hit him but his reaction is probally alittle over the top. I would record everything and be taking steps to seperate. Other wise next time it could get worse than just a few bruises.
Sounds like it is a good time to end things honey. Does it matter who started what? It sounds like this relationship is all round unhealthy. Yeah get it documented, but it is time to separate now. Don't allow either of you to be in this position again.
I think you're both to blame. I don't think his actions can be excused at all, and I don’t believe that hitting back is the answer to any violence against you. Men are also (as a rule) stronger than women so women are more likely to be badly injured when a man hits her. I think while you likely provoked his actions by instigating the violence, that he also could have walked away.
I know you're scared, but you do need to report this to the police. Be prepared for them to push you to charge him and take out an intervention order against him (and likely one against you too). It sounds like your relationship is toxic and this is the time to make the break.
See your doctor also, contact Centrelink once you have a police report and start the process. GL IM xxx
Sweetheart, It is NOT your fault. a shove does not give him an excuse to punch you and stop you from breathing. Sometimes its all too much and we all have moments where we lose sense of our self and our judgement goes out the window, but there is NO REASON to punch someone. He could have just as easily walked away but instead he hit you. Please report it, its never ok.
As a survivor of 2 years of domestic violence. Believe me when I say. He he's hit you once he will do it again.
I was in a relationship with a man I had been best friends with from the age of 21. We used to joke and say he was my husband without benefits he would do anything for me. He was kind caring and amazing. Then we fell in love and had a child. When our son was 7 months old and I had fallen pregnant with our second child. Was when he first hit me.
I was dumbfounded. I had never laid a hand on him. Raised my voice yes. But it only got worse I terminated my second baby because I didn't want another life in what was happening. The violence started out few and far between. He would hide my phone and for days sometimes. I had hidden black eyes. Burst vessels in my eyes. Left bruse's on my body mainly where ppl couldn't see. Knocked me out on several occasions and chocked me on a regular basis. Held knives to my throat and all sorts. He got worse and worse over time My son seen it one time and I managed to lock him out of the house and call the police. That day I decided I was no longer going to be a victim but a survivor.
Get out now before the water gets too deep.
No man should ever hit a woman!!!'
Look its more complex!! You need to speak to a professional.
If it ever gets heated again its best to leave the room. Usually stay away from the kitchen and go somewhere if you need you can exit not the bathroom too many places you can hit. Keep your phone with you.
I know that they can provoke it and push you and push you verbally and they know it. Again you need to be so careful on whos advice you take on here. Not everyone understands what it is like living with an abuser. Please I want you to think about before the incident and if he was abusive then maybe he was pushing your buttons. Again I dont want to over step here. Look st everything. Hugs xx
I was in a similar relationship where I would argue with my partner and I know I can be very cutting with words. I have an extensive vocabulary but have never hit anyone in my life. Our relationship ended when he allowed his daughter to slap me in the face and defended her saying she was trying to take the phone out of my hand. In the end we had more fights and he used to call it restraining me.... dragged me around the house and up and down stairs in a head lock...bashing my head and body against walls, bruising me. He came running at me once after an altercation (verbal) with his daughter. I raised my leg to keep him away and he pulled hard on my leg even though I said I was losing my balance and begging him to let go. He ended up tearing my hamstring completely off the bone . I couldn't walk properly for months but kept up the façade of working in a physical job and taking care of my kids, too scared to leave. In the end he called the cops because of our verbal arguments and claimed I was aggressive!!! I had an AVO taken out against me and was forced to move out of the house we both paid mortgage on. I am devastated that I didn't contact police when I was being assaulted ....but I was desperately hoping to keep the family together and I was scared.
You are probably quite confused and frightened right now, but if the online counseling service wasn't a family violence related service, please contact a family violence service in your state or call 1800 RESPECT to talk things through and discuss a safety plan https://www.1800respect.org.au/ Any sort of choking as you describe is very, very dangerous and serious. Choking is a strong risk factor and you need to take this very seriously to protect your life, even if it is the only time he has ever done this, coking can end in death. Is there anywhere you can stay with family or friends for a few days to find the safety and security you need to think about what next? A service will talk you through what to bring with you. I wish you all strength in the next steps. Your life is precious.