Hi sisters. I just need positive vibes.
It's 3am and I'm sitting here on my 4th sleepless night. Worried. Stressed. Depressed. My heart is racing and I just want to sleep but I'm so scared about my near future and my mind is racing so much I just can't sleep.
I've always been such a happy and positive person, a go getter, a strong independent woman but lately I'm crumbling. I lost my young son to a horrific death several years ago but managed to pull myself back together and live again. I'm still haunted by his death daily but I was managing to smile more than cry.
I became very ill with an auto immune disease this year and had to stop work and live on the sickness benefit. I'm in pain all the time and my depression over my child has come back tenfold. I'm now trying to find work but when you can't stand for more than 20 minutes beacause of pain, you're fatigued and nauseated all the time and you cry at the drop of a hat, it makes it hard to be suitable for a job.
I'm making small things from home to try and make some extra money but between that and sickness benefit I can't make my rent and buy food, some petrol and medication let alone pay my utilities. I applied for Disability but was knocked back and I'm only allowed on Sickness Benefit for another 2 months and I'm trying to find work.
I'm 4 weeks behind on my rent to which my landlord has been good about but requires it by the end of the month, my utility bills have been extended 2 times now for which I'm very grateful but they won't extend them again plus have new bills added to them. Basically I need to find over $3000.00 by the end of the month or I'm in big trouble and I'm scared. So scared because I will only be able to come up with about $900.00 of that. I'm so worried and scared. I just need to get on top and start again. I can't leave here because it would mean breaking my lease.
All of my clothes including my underwear have holes in them or are too big due to weight loss. My eye sight has deteriorated so quickly but I can't afford glasses. I've stopped one of my medications because I can't afford it, I do get my medications for only $6 each and I'm very thankful but when I have several to take, it adds up. My feet hurt because I walk around in flip flops all the time because I can't afford shoes for my swelling feet. My hair is straggly because I've not had it cut for 12 months. I feel like a mess.
I'm so lost. I've exhausted family help. I don't have a partner. I just feel so alone, too embarrassed to talk to my family and friends about this anymore because I'm still in this position. I'm closing myself off from those I love, I feel it and know it.
I keep telling myself that I've been here before and I made it through, that if I made it through my child's death, I can make it through this! I've always picked myself up and succeeded but this time seems so hard. I feel like I've managed to keep myself standing all my life and proud of that but now I feel like I'm crumbling and I don't want to.
I know I've not come to terms with my child's death and have just been strong and I need to get counseling and I will but I just can't concerntrate on doing that while I'm so scared about my current finances. I'm ashamed to go out even to the doctors because of my clothing. I'm ashamed to talk to loved ones because I'm the fighter and yet I feel like I'm giving up.
I'm not even sure what I'm asking here, I think I just need to vent. I think I just need positive words.
I'm just so tired in so many ways.
2 Replies
Oh my, HUGE hugs to you IM. It is a lot that you're going through right now and it's very hard to see through all the day-to-day struggles. Is the treatment you're getting just to manage the symptoms or will it improve your current health?
You need to talk to your family, friends and your doctor. There is no shame in this situation - but you need support. Even if you COULD do this alone, you shouldn't have to. You need someone in your corner. They might not be in a position to help financially, but just to have someone checking in on you or coming to see you might help. Please don't try to keep on alone. I know how exhausting it can be and it will only tire you further.
One thing, re: your financial situation. Do you have superannuation? (I assume you do if you were working) If so, look into a release of some of those funds on medical grounds to help get you out of the current hole and get you back on track a bit. Contact APRA and find out what you need to do.
Much love and luck to you IM xxxx
Ring Centrelink and ask to speak to a social worker. If you have t appealed the disability application decision do it. I had to appeal my sons twice despite him having an extremely severe disability leaving him at about 2 years of age at 18!!
Just a change in wording on the doctors form can make all the difference.
It's time to speak to your local housing authority, Anglicare, salvos etc.