This isn't a question - I just need to get off my chest.
I'm 22 weeks pregnant and also have a beautiful 18 month old. I woke up to the realisation today that my depression has come back and burst into guilty hateful tears because I should have known sooner that that is why I've been feeling like I do. And why I've been getting so upset and angry for no reason at my toddler when they're being difficult.
I hate myself so much for feeling like I have but it's more absolute guilt. I've never hurt my baby - I've just hated being around them lately and then the cycle continues like it does with depression.
I've suffered from depression for over 18 years but have been off of antidepressants for almost a year.
I'm waiting to see a doctor (not my regular because they're booked up) but I feel like it's not soon enough.
My partner has jut thought recently that I'm like this because 'I'm just pregnant and that's what pregnant people are like' he's also been quite consumed with his work so he concentrates on that.
I don't know why or what I'm writing anymore.
I just want to lie in bed with my baby and cry.
3 Replies
Depression sucks, I know how hard it is. Hang in there. It's an illness so don't feel guilty. Nows the time to try and make some changes to lighten your load until you start it feel better (although doing that can feel like walking through wet cement). Can you get your 18mth old into daycare for 1 or 2 days a week, just to give you some space to look after yourself. X
Have you done any cognitive behaviour therapy? If so revisit the techniques you were taught from that. Also everyday make a conscious effort to look at the good things you have done. You mentioned that you feel guilt about getting angry with your toddler but take the positive from that as in you maybe getting angry but you are not taking it out on them. That shows great strength and control. Obviously see a doctor ASAP but also try calling a helpline just to vent and they might be able to talk you through some techniques to help in the meantime.
You are doing a wonderful job parenting and should be proud of how diligent you are to recognise the signs of your depression. Best of luck to you:)
Oh mate, I know what you're going through and it's bloody hell! I think when your parter hasn't had depression, they just can't comprehend what you're going through - the depth of hatred you have for yourself, the crippling way you want/need to isolate yourself from everything, the fury that seems to bubble up and burst out at the worst times.
No it's not normal pregnancy hormones, it's a serious illness - and a slippery slope too! In no time at all you can go from "I'm hanging in there" to the bottom of a deep, dark, black hole. If you know in your gut you need help now, get it, whatever it takes! Keep ringing around until you find a doctor you can see today (or get someone else to do this for you). There are clinics where you can go for in-patient and out-patient support and keep your little one with you. Don't feel bad about being on anti-depressents when you're pregnant. There are plenty that are proven safe - you wouldn't think twice if you had asthma or epilepsy and needed to be on medication, depression is no different! Do you have family or friends that can provide some support? Take bub for a few days?
Bub will be just fine, it's you that you need to worry about. The best thing you can do for a child is take care of their parent and keep them safe. Try to look after yourself and be kind to yourself.