Defective, alone.

It's okay, you don't need to respond. Just venting I guess.

So, I'm struggling.

I'm not depressed, I have anxiety, and I've been seeing an amazing psychologist for 18 months and have come so far.

My childhood broke me as a human. I was taught that emotion was evil, I was severely punished if I showed any sort of emotion.

I was bullied by my step father, my father walked out, my mum let the abuse happen and began to morph into him over time, so they would both beat me down as a person.

I know I'm nothing. I feel like nothing every day. It's in my bones now. Too deep to remove.

I fake a smile, a smile which everyone has always said is beautiful, my teeth, and my 'Angelina Jolie' lips. That was one good thing about me that I saw, my smile. But it's fake, which leaves my lips.

This last week I saw my dentist, who is teaching me how to breathe again (my body is in hyperventilate mode 24/7, even when I sleep, due to the effects of the childhood trauma) by doing special breathing exercises.

Then he said "while you do this breathing try to pull your lips in a bit. They shouldn't be like that, they are like that because of the jaw issues you have, like a defect caused by the past damage done by the childhood dental work".

The only thing I considered beautiful about myself is a defect.

It hit me, which is stupid I know, and I'm still not used to actually feeling emotion. But it hurt.

I've just been diagnosed with a rare auto immune disease, my body is attacking itself, the pain is just too much.

So I need to start immune suppressant injections. I will get sicker, much sicker. I'm so scared.

I'm scared and defective and alone.

If those two baby girls weren't here, sleeping soundly looking like angels ready to wake up and climb all over me with 'mummy mummy mummy', I wouldn't wake up tomorrow.
I'd just admit defeat.

I'm not depressed. I'm just running uphill under water, and it's hard to see through the clouds when the rain won't stop.

Thank you for reading.