Anonymous please!!!!!
I have recently cut all ties with my father... My mother died when I was young, he is now remarried basically he bought us up but he was an alcoholic, he used to phyisically abuse us- punching, hitting, shoving etc, we would occasionally have bruises, black eyes etc. I left home when I was young about 15
I now am married with 4 kids, my sisters don't have any kids as yet... I'm the eldest!
I've since been told by different sources that he was cheating on my mother, abused her & was sexually abusing her cousins as they were a lot younger - now I don't know the full truth on this but I've got 1 daughter of my own & I don't think I could live with myself if I let her around him & something happened - I have had a few memories (not from personal experience but seen & heard) the way he has spoken to & about younger females like my friends etc so I don't think I doubt any of the above didn't happen.
So it's been about 8 mo now since I have spoken with him after telling him how I felt & I want no connection with him or his wife (compulsive liar & negative) and they will never see my kids. He lost it and called me all the names under the sun... He has since told all his friends I'm a liar, and blah blah blah - you could only imagine, now I mean that's fine I'm used to what he says and calls me it's not out of the ordinary for him but he has also got me mentally assessed with a court order! I passed, obviously! I believe I have a very stable life & relationships with friends and family. Although he seems to have turned my sisters against me even though they have all been through the same but prob not as bad as I'm the eldest he has settled down with the physical abuse I believe I mean I don't live there and haven't for years now so I don't see any signs of it. But he still drinks a lot...
The thing that's getting me is, I believe there is a good side to him... That loves me & my kids... And I think this is why I'm guilty & questioning whether I've done the right thing or not.... I guess what I'm wondering is has anyone else been through similar? Have I done the right thing? Are my kids missing out? Why am I so guilty and worried about the person he is "making me out to be" .... Any advice would be greatly appreciated
Cutting ties with parents
Cutting ties with parents
Posted in:
Life Lessons, Relationships & Marriage
3 Replies
You've done the right thing! You are breaking the cycle of abuse for your daughter. You feel guilty because that's the classic abuser/victim cycle. In the new year go and organise some counselling for yourself so you can understand this better. Stay strong
I came from a very similar situation and I too made the choice to cut ties as I have children. My siblings were also turned against me except for one of them. You would have been around so much emotional abuse that your feelings are classic victim feelings. Get some counselling to stay strong for your child. If you want to protect your children and bring them up in a stable non dv way then stick to your guns. You already have shown your strength and you have all the right thoughts as to why you cut ties in the first place. Your fathers actions were his choice. You know you would never treat your children the way he treated you, so he chose to behave that way. That is not love or respect or care for another. At the end of the day, you have too much to lose to take such a risk of allowing him into your life. But in saying that, seek counselling, and make sure any decisions are made clearly. Good on you. You are a great mum xxxxx those feelings you have lessen over time as you become clearer, more confident and happy within yourself watching you children grow up so well adjusted with a strong sense of respect and right and wrong.
I have been through similar. My parents separated and my father was an emotional abuser, turned everyone and anyone he could (including my brothers) against my mum and I. He threatened to kill my brothers and I a few times, hit my mum and yelled and screamed at us all. He tried to 'buy' me and turn me against my mum too. I cut all ties for years then tried to have a relationship when my son was born, it didn't work, he went crazy when I saw my mums family while on holidays and threatened to kill my brother because he blamed him for me not staying at his house. 2 years later I tried again, he has been a different person, has met my husband's family and my daughter now too, he calls regularly and is making an effort to be the father and grandfather he should be. He even told my MIL (whom I am very close to) that he regrets what he did to my now deceased mum and my elderly grandparents. I think you are doing the right thing cutting all ties ad he sounds like a horrible person for what he has done, maybe one day he will get some kind of help and be able to be the father and grandfather you deserve, if not, then you haven't lost anything. On another note if he has sexually and physically abused you/ your relations then I think he needs to be charged for his crimes.