Hi there, I am looking for some solution as to how I can move past my partners sexual past. We've been together for nearly 6 years and although we are happy, like any other couple, we have had our share of problems. Most of them have been related to his past confronting our NOW - be it meeting his exes at a parties or supermarkets, or stuff that surface as I clean out that were from his ex. Recently I discovered some of his things ( sex toys) that his ex GF had gifted him ( He claims he didnt know they were still around) but it has now resulted in me picturing them having sex.It is an ugly thought and i dont know HOW to get past it. I have also begun to feel that i am boring in the bedroom and no where near as exciting. Feeling like this is not helping me improve our relationship. I know I cant punish him for his past and I accept what is, but HOW do I stop feeling and thinking like I do? What can I do to help myself? Please help
8 Replies
Watch Chasing Amy. Great movie about something similar (though the couple weren't together as long as you guys).
Seriously though, he's with you. And has been for a long time. If he was not into you just the way you are/after something wilder and kinkier he'd be a) long gone; b) trying to push you into doing things you aren't into or c) cheating on you.
The past is the past it's behind you. Chuck them in the bin look to the future and move on.
He has been with you 6 years! What more do you need? Time to go and do some work on your self confidence.
DO NOT compare yourself! they broke up for a reason.
yes its difficult when an ex pops up or you find old photos (or sex toys) but you knew when you first got together that he had previous lovers. the way to get over it is to stop thinking about it! seriously! dont use any of your precious time or energy thinking about things that are really none of your business.
if it really is a problem for you then ask him, maybe explain that ts bothering you and you would like to ask some questions just one time (and one time only-dont keep harping on about it)
perhaps his answers will help you see he doesnt want anyone else.
but if hes not willing to answer (and he is well within is rights to not share his past intimate moments) then you will have to put your head up high, put on your big girl pants and move on.
also some self confident help would help. look up sleep hypnosis for self confidence.
i know how you feel. My husband was with a girl before me (AND before his ex wife also) who is bisexual and they had threesomes with another girl all the time. I'm so crap at sex, I'm too unco-ordinated and I'm pretty boring. I try hard not to think about it. If I do I just think about the good times I had in bed with my ex and it stops bothering me so much.
This is the best quote i've ever seen and has helped me in times.. 'Don't use your energy to worry, use your energy to believe'.
Been here.. all i can say is it takes time... talk to him about it tell him why exactly it bothering you. I personally asked him to throw out everything that he had (within reason) that any ex girlfriends had given him... probably juvenile but thats what i needed to help me move on... its been almost 3 years and im just becoming ok with his past ( we have been together 6 years and have 2 children) sometimes it hurts but u remind myself that he picked to be with me not them
I saw a video of my partner with his ex, inter course and all. Just before Christmas.. He had no idea it was there but felt bad. It was awful at first to be intimate without picturing someone else with him but time is a great healer. I came to the conclusion that getting over it was the only way because he was young. He chucked out photos and such of her that were packed away of his own accord. Just remember he is with you now.