Hi ladies,
This morning I brought up with my husband that we really need to get on with making our wills, and that I think perhaps we should get them drawn up professionally with a lawyer as we have a business as well as children to consider. I have put off doing this for some time as I know exactly where we will disagree, and surprise surprise I was right.
In terms of the house, business etc, that's all easy enough to agree on, but what we can't agree on is who would look after the children if we were to both cark it at the same time. Both sides of the family are overseas, mine in the UK and his in NZ. My parents come to Australia for 2-3 months every year and are emotionally very close with our children (aged 3 and 1). We talk to them on Skype every couple of weeks, and my eldest always talks about Nana. My MIL has been over twice for a week at a time to visit the kids, my FIL came over once for our eldest, but doesn't want to come over here again so hasn't met the youngest yet. They are however paying for us all to go there for 2 weeks so he can meet them.
I understand that my husband thinks NZ is a great place to grow up, they would have 2 cousins there too, however his family are not particularly close. I know they would have a much more loving upbringing with my family, and while they don't have 1st cousins there, we have a very large extended family who my parents are close with. My parents are also at least 8-10 years younger than his, and he said more than likely if his parents had custody they would end up with his brother's family. Not a bad option as he has 2 kids of his own, however we don't actually get on with him or his wife!
I'm not sure how his parents would react if it happened and the kids went to live in the UK, but I know for certain if my Mum lost me, and then the kids went to NZ, it would destroy her, she would be devastated. I also kinda resent the suggestion by him that they would not have a good upbringing in the UK, as I had a great childhood, and they would be surrounded by loving family and friends.
My question is (in a very long winded way, sorry), how on earth do you reach a compromise in a decision like this? Has anyone else been in a similar situation?
Thanks :)
7 Replies
I would try and take the emotion out if it and do a positives and negatives. To me it's about who the kids would be most comfortable with, not what country they would live in. I wouldn't worry about extended family either as although that's nice it isn't going to make your kids feel more comfortable.
When we were old enough our parents gave us the choice. It doesn't have to be family. It could be close friends. We opted for the a uncle and aunt who we would be the most comfortable with emotionally.
It's important to actually ask the people who you want to care for your kids if that is something they even want. I initially agreed to be the one for my cousins two kids, I then asked for her to change it when she decided to keep having babies. There was no way I could look after her three plus my disabled son as a sole parent. Turned out to be smart because she went on to have 5 kids!
I think it's something you need to revisit every 5 years or so as people's situations change. So although you've found the right match now it might totally change in 5 years.
I just want to add I changed my sons at least 3 times in his life. He is now 20 but would still need a carer due to disabilities so he will go to my parents as they have the most to do with him, and that is where he is the most comfortable. Luckily they are young and fit :) I know it would be a short term option.
Try sitting down with pen and paper, make a list of possible candidates (it doesn't always have to be family) and write the pros and cons for each person. If you can't agree with the pros and cons, write separate lists.
To me it sounds like your parents are a no brainer if your husband admits your children would just end up with his brother who you don't get along with anyway.
Good luck, it's a tough one!
Myself and hubby have written a will. We have insurance policies worth a lot of money and if we both died we didn't want family fighting over the kids or money. Make sure you stipulate exactly what you want we have chosen one person and then stated if they are unable to care for them then they go to this person ect, then they would each receive an inheritance which is put into accounts for them which will be used for their schooling and living expenses until their 21 when they can have what ever is left aslong as it goes towards education, or a house. I was very strict as I didn't want my kids to be handed money and them to not use it wisely.
Oh I am putting off wills for this exact reason! My husband and I have spoken about it and totally disagree!! He wants our son to go to his brother, who I get along with but is the.most selfish person on the.planet. And on top of this, he lives in a small town (where I grew up) with no work or opportunity for further study once children leave school. My husband's family are small town people and very small minded so further study or a career are not important.to them- they have no ambition so my son would not be supported.in moving away to further himself and.achieve his.goals when the time came. Hubbys dad was.not the best dad and he has a girlfriend who has always treated hubby and his brother like pieces of dirt on her shoe! I definitely do not want our son having the same unsupportive upbringing as my husband had! I do not want this for.my son EVER! I want him to go to my parents who are financially able to give him everything he needs. They are loving and supportive. My husband does.not want this because he feels as though children should not be given too much love and.affection so that they can learn to be independent (left over from his childhood). My sister and.my husband don't see eye to eye and my brother is still young and.not settled down. So I don't really have any advice of.how to overcome this issue but if.you find a strategy please share as.I still have no will for this same reason!!
I really wouldn't let it worry you to the point of fighting and stress. Put down both names you each choose as 1 and 2, swap them every two or three years to compromise with your husband. At the end of the day you can't really control this, you won't be there to see how the situation works out, how your kids adapt and all the other circumstances that will arise. You won't be able to update your decision to reflect the changes and new choices that need to be made. The most important thing in my opinion is to make sure they all know your wishes for them to work together to all be present in your kids lives and work together to find the best solution for your kids.
My solicitor told me that nominating a guardian in my will didn't mean that that person had to take the children in themselves, just that they were in charge of determining the best person/people to care for the children. With that in mind, do you have a friend or trusted person you could assign as guardian who could weigh up the situation and make a logical assessment of what's best for the kids without the emotion and baggage that you and your husband bring into it? My choice was my brother. With three young kids of his own I don't think he'll be able to raise my kids himself, but i trust that he will do everything possible to make sure they are in the best possible home, and he'll be in charge of determining whether money from the estate will be released to them before they reach their majority, so whoever has them will have to work with him on that.