How to explain dad is not safe to be around? Not physically , emotionally & mentally.
Husband and I recently separated. Things were strained for a long time and I suspected drug use. Hubby is a drug addict, and has lapsed 3 times over 15 years. The last 12 months I suspected another relapse (had been clean for 7 years) Finally the truth came out and he has been using ice for the past 12 mths, weekly. After seeking help through a phycologist, I was able to get the strength to leave with 2 little kids (11 and 7) with the understanding my husband was not only a drug addict but also a narcissist. I could no longer support him as I had to put myself and my children first. Fast forward 3 wks and it has been rough. I have had to implement a DVO to get a break as the calls, texts and emails were constant, all hrs of day and night. Now father is putting pressure on myself and the children to see them, they currently phone 3 nights a week until I am confident that mentally he is in a better place, and of course drug free, before he sees them unsupervised. I have explained I will not be at a contact visit but will arrange for a family member to be there, this did not go well and he is in denial marriage is over despite numerous explanations that I am done, exhausted and not interested in saving marriage. I fought for our marriage for 16 years, I have no fight left in me. My latest problem is explaining to kids why they can't see there dad on their own, I have protected them from dads addiction and mentally state over the years, and of course whilst they remember things were not great they just want to see dad and get the presents dad has for them, they miss him. Without telling them too much how do I explain why they can't see their dad right now but in time they will be able to. I am being daily told "you won't let me see my dad, and we want to". I can't give in, not yet, all reports are he is not off it and he can be very emotionally manipulative. I monitor phone calls and then have to pick up the pieces and put things back in perspective for them regularly, I just don't know how to address this without bringing drugs into it, and they are too young to fully comprehend.
2 Replies
change your number make sure he doesn't know where you are. make him take you through mediation and demand that all visits be supervised and no phone calls. I know what its like I have dealt with a narcissist's abuse by phone and it is hell.
contact a local DV service they may be able to help. explain to them that Dad is sick, and until he gets better they can't see him. addiction is an illness. even tell them it is related to drugs 11 and 7 isn't that little they don't need all the grim details. but they are old enough to know.
Personally I'd speak to my psychologist about how to approach this. They have a good understanding on how to explain these things without making dad sound like an evil guy. I think personally I would say that "dad is unwell because he hasn't been looking after himself. When Dad can look after himself then you can visit".
Personally I would organise the contact centre unless you have a very good reason not to. At least you know they will be safe inside the centre. Although you need to keep your kids safe you also need to not be the person who kept them from seeing there dad.