Imperfect mums i need guidance, words of wisdom please. I have noone that knows my true story. I was abused by family members as a child/teen. I have overcome this and it was not something that ruled my life. I have a wonderful relationship, family life, friends, am educated and studying and look forward to the future. I always wanted to be a mum, and after overcoming fertility problems, misscarriages etc. i now have the most beautiful 2yr old daughter who is my world. She is seriously the nicest kid and just brings so much sunshine! And here is the issue - She has never left my side. i have cared for her, protected her. It was never an issue, she was a baby, i was breastfeeding her, we needed to be together. But i am realising now that i have an extreme anxiety about leaving her, with anyone! I have used every excuse under the sun to ensure that she is with me. no daycare, no babysitters, never left in the care of others except the two people i trust most in the world, my parents. But we live in a different town where we know only my husbands co workers. But i need a job, i would benefit from adult interaction, and im sure she would love hanging out with other kids. It would be only 2 days but i cant bring myself to do it. It brings me agony, anxiety, the thoughts that run through my head about what could happen to her. And i know perfectly that if something happens it can never be truly undone. Its my job to protect her. i would be happy working from home but i cant find anything that is consistent. i am studying, trying hard to follow my dreams but the second income would be helpful and that means daycare but i have no trust for anyone. Sometimes i even get anxiety with my husband caring for her. i KNOW he will never do anything and even thinking it sickens me but i cant rid these thoughts. I am again struggling with infertility and thought i would be pregnant this year, so having to look for a job was never the plan. my family and friends dont know, and always comment about her going to daycare, like it was no trouble and all leaving someone else to look after their kids. Has anyone been through this before? Sorry about the length, i just would appreciate your words xo
Children, daycare, struggling with trust issues
Children, daycare, struggling with trust issues
Posted in:
Mental Health, Anxiety & Depression, Baby & Toddler
3 Replies
I was like this with my two... no one ever babysat them because of my fears, for 4 years they never left my side, and still i struggle with the anxiety that goes with leaving them or doing things that could possibly be dangerous, for example taking them around the block on their bikes scares the shit out of me or taking them swimming.. But you have to push through the fears, let you guard down a little, relax - things do happen its life and there is no guarantees and eventually we learn to live with whatever has been handed. But what if nothing ever happened and you robbed your children of all these experiences that could have contributed to the best memories of their life?
you would feel worse. Although it was hard at the beginning i took them to daycare, i dropped in a few times throughout the day the first couple of weeks then it started to get easier, i pushed through the anxiety and fear the first 2-3 times and slowly but surely it wasnt such a great fear, i started to trust the people watching my children and i trusted the relationship i had built with my children. After all, eventually in life our children will be dealt with not the greatest experiences as much as we try to protect them
Its time to go and really deal with this so that your daughter can lead a full life and not live in fear of it. There is a difference between making smart decisions and minimising risk and stopping you and her having a full life.
So` this is my advice, make sure you talk to your GP because this is more than a little bit nervous so is 'clinical' and see if he can refer you to a psychologist. Some issues need to be redealt with when stressors occur like your daughter.
If you haven't been taking your daughter to playgroup or even playcafes, start doing that so you can start desensitising yourself. Then start looking for a daycare centre and discuss the situation with you. They may be able to let you hang out for awhile. I would probably avoid family daycare as its usually only one adult with kids where as childcare centers have lots of adults coming in and out of rooms at different times lowering risk etc.
My son has multiple disabilities and at times Ive gotten anxious about leaving him because he would not be able to communicate if something happened to him. It took me gradually desensitizing myself (baby steps) for me to let go and feel confident.
Just wanted to say I am exactly the same with my 2yo daughter and for the same reason of sexual abuse. I even feel the same at times with the paranoia even with my husband even though like you said I know logically he would never do anything. It's Bloody hard. And so draining! I managed to put her in dc 2 days a week as I had no other option financially But to work. I'm not going to lie hun, every day I drop her off I have to talk myself out of being convinced she will be abused. It's a horrible thing to have to convince your self every day your not there that they will be fine. But it's the only way I can get through the days I'm not there. I'm seeing a psychologist and it's helping a little bit. I'm sure it would be beneficial to be on medication as well but I'm also TTC so trying to avoid the meds as much as possible. Just wanted to say that what your feeling is not great but common for someone who been sexual abused. Try and get into councilling before you decide on care etc, that's the only advice I can offer. Your not alone! Hugs xx