Firstly, apologies for the extremely long post, and if you can make sense of it you are doing better than me at the moment.
My stepson is 1 of 4 kids, he is 6yo (they are all under 10 years old)
The eldest 2 will only attend school sometimes.
They are expected to get out of bed, dress themselves, have breakfast etc and be ready when she drags herself out of bed at 8.30. They are constantly late to school, if they go at all (she didn't take them to school much in December because as she put it they keep yelling at me so if im going to be late i just wont take them). She wont help them with their homework or read with them and they are falling behind. My partner and i feel powerless to help during the week as we are in a different city which is an hour away. When we got a copy of the school report, attendance was marked as poor and BELOW 80%.
The children are expected to clean the ENTIRE house and will not get food until it is done, there are some nights she has called at 10.30pm and will be talking to me then all of a sudden start yelling at the children because they havent vacuumed the floor and if they want their tea they will hurry up and do it.
She has left them home alone on numerous occasions where she turns the tv on and will then go shopping as its easier to shop without the kids.
I was told a while ago by the mother that the youngest boy had drunk alcohol at the partners house, she made it seem like it was an accident, he grabbed the cup and drank from it not realizing it was vodka and coke, I just put it down to 'ok, not really happy about that but accidents happen' sort of thing, but am now being told that they are moving in with the partner (again) and when we informed my stepson he started freaking out about it, crying, saying he doesnt wan't to live with his mum, the partner makes them stay in their room so as not to mess up the house and if they are naughty wont feed them.
Stepson has told me that the partner has given them ALL alcohol on numerous occasions. We are friends with the dad and step mum of the eldest and have since had him over to 'play' for a few days, he has been winging that "*partners name* gets drunk and makes me drink alcohol because he thinks its funny". If we had been that irresponsible and given the kids alcohol the mother would have flipped out hard and prevented us from seeing the stepson. Yet she is perfectly fine with the partner giving the kids alcohol?
There is no parenting agreement in place, it has all been verbal so far. Every time we try and bring something up we are met with 'well thats fine, dont have him then'. We are wanting a parenting agreement in place, however the big issue is we have been told that if we have one it may interfere with going for full custody which we are seriously considering. The kids need a childhood (yes if they make a mess they can clean it and chores for pocket money etc... not chores for FOOD!)
When the time came to return the stepson, she mentions that they are going to be staying at the partners place (she owns her house and it is now just sitting empty) and that the 3 boys will be sleeping on the couch or the floor as the partner has stuff in the bedrooms and is refusing to move it.
I feel like the worst step-mum ever for letting this happen and now that I have written it all down I can't believe how long it is - this is just a little of it. Where on earth do my partner and I start? We don't believe she is caring for them correctly and they should not be there to be neglected.
I desperately want to do something but I dont know where to start. We are in VIC. Do we start with CAFS, DHS, Child First or is there somewhere else? She has had previous dealings with DHS but befriends her case workers and will meet them for coffee so they don't see the state of the house. My biggest fear is starting in the wrong place (such as DHS and her befriending the worker again) and her managing to convince everyone that she is caring for the kids correctly.
Sorry this is all over the place, My head is all over the place too!!
9 Replies
Get legal advice, take her for full custody, don't consider it DO IT. There should be no considering. It's not clear to me how many kids are your partners but keep reporting them to who ever will listen.
Hi, Thanks for the suggestion :) Just to clarify he is only father to one of the children but as the youngest's father isn't in the picture he comes to visit otherwise he feels left out :(
Dont get me wrong, with the full custody I have probably worded that wrong, sorry! We will be going for full custody I'm just worried about what will happen with the youngest I dont want to be responsible for him having issues and not understanding why he doesn't come to live with us too as he believes my partner is his daddy as well. The only reason we haven't done anything sooner is because we dont want to leave him in the situation and should all the children be removed when we take her to court for custody that he doesn't end up being in foster care as his father cant be found, hoping beyond everything else there may be a loop hole where we can keep them together.
Seeing as you don't have anything written down and its all verbal, you do realise your partner has the right to take them and not give them back? Because Dads have just as much right to their kids as a mother does. Change their schools and keep them with you. If you don't want to take those steps, when they are in your care take them to a child psychiatrist call DHS after they have been so you have the reports right there for the case worker to see and then start the mediation process. If you start it and she doesn't attend you'll get a certificate which you can use in court to start your full custody hearing. It's disgusting that she withholds food. No real mother would do that. I feel for your step-children their mother needs a swift kick to the you know what.
If shes making friends with her case workers you can file a conflict of interest report and the case worker will then be investigated. There are ways to achieving what you wish to achieve and if you feel the kids are in danger of being neglected do everything within your power to save them.
Hi, Thanks for taking the time to reply to me :) I have spoken to my partner about the child psychologist and will be doing that ASAP. We have considered keeping the stepson, however am worried about the youngest as he believes my partner is his daddy who hasn't been in the picture since he was born. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely want to get my stepson out of the situation but at the same time am terrified that by doing that will make the situation so much worse for the remaining boys. I would feel awful if by getting my stepson out of there my actions force the younger one into foster care.
Believe me I would love to kick her in the you know what, I am completely dumbfounded as to how she managed to get her previous DHS case closed as at that time she was feeding them, but pizza, KFC and McDonalds isnt such a great diet for anyone (then again at least they were getting some form of food).
I know there are ways of getting this achieved, I'm just hoping someone can maybe point me in a starting direction so I can start 'putting our blocks up' etc so she can't weasel her way out, If she does manage to do that she will take it out on the kids and will cut our contact completely.
I have heard of a case where the father of one child also got custody of the step child. Reckon you could be in with a shot of this. If you can prove she caring one child and your step son is related to the other child then the court will not want to separate them. Good luck
The only way that you could get all the boys out safely is to ask to have all of them stay with you perminately. That would be a big thing for yourself and partner. Make sure you get everything in writing and I would seek legal advice as to how you would get full custody and with the child/ren that aren't your partners he could if the mother was willing to adopt him but again you would need the mother to agree and sign him over and it would be a big ask on behalf of you guys but it would be the only way to keep all the kids together.
Record everything. Call child safety. Get resgistered as a foster carer. They will talk to school, neighbour's etc. Build a case this is for the kids. They may consider placing them together if no other family come forward and they generally look for what's best for the kid so being with a sibling and people they know would be a really good option. Get the house set up so it is safe and suitable for extra kids. Bunk beds etc. Don't make it obvious but next time the boys starts telling u guys stuff hit record on your ph. Record conversations where the mum admits to stuff?
Most cases won't go to court until there is an attempt at mediation. Honestly, go and see a family law solicitor. The kids are obviously in harm and if you and your partner love them do it straight away. Can recommend a great one in Townsville if your in this area.
Legal advice, keep a diary recordings. As much evidence to back up your case. Do it quick and go for full custody, with supervised visits for the mother only until she can prove she has their best interest at heart. Give these kids a chance at life before something really bad happens.
Document everything and get a temporary custody order from the courthouse for your stepson and next time you have him don't give him back. When u go to mediation/court apply for custody or foster care of the youngest one as well