This post is in response to the many DV related posts on this site. Firstly, let me start by saying that I do understand the cycle of abuse and I understand why victims feel that they need to stay. I have helped many victims of DV while they remain stuck in cycles of abuse and/or return to the abuse. Thankfully, there are many services and resources out there for both victim and abuser. The law is designed to protect victims from their abusers.
But who is protecting the children? When both parents are failing to protect the children from this harmful environment, who will step in for the children?
Who is advocating for the children? Who is caring about the children's emotional and physical abuse? Who is caring about the children's psychological problems caused from living in a DV home? And most importantly, who is doing anything about it when the victim stays and/or returns to the abuse?
When we tell victims that the only thing that matters is that they find the strength to leave, who cares about the children until if and when that happens?
Most survivors of DV admit that they unwittingly put their child through more abuse by staying. Many of these children are subjected to the normality of abuse, grow up afraid, lose self esteem, suffer from anxiety and depression, conditioned to think that this way of life is ok and often finding themselves in DV cycles in their adult life, just to name a few of the numerous effects felt by children of DV relationships. Why are they being brushed under the table in every attempt to make everyone feel better about not blaming the victim parent? Why aren't the children the critical victim in all of this? Why are we always talking about the abuser and the victim? Why aren't we talking more about the children?
I raise this issue and ask these questions because I believe that it needs to be talked about more, and also speaking from a place of personal experience. I was born into a dysfunctional and DV family, and I thank my birth mother for adopting me into the stable, loving family that raised me. As an adult, seeing what my younger brothers and sisters went through and the effects it had on them later in life, I truly believe that my birth mother did the best thing she could have done for me in the circumstances of remaining in a DV relationship (not so for my siblings).
This is a place where women from different backgrounds, cultures and beliefs come together to support one another judgement free.
6 Replies
I think you said that very well, and without judgement. Thanks for sharing
I will call bs because children aren't protected when you leave either. Some wrinkly old man who believes a womams place is on the kitchen gives the prick you left joint custody and they are then subjected to abuse as they drill in to the child their beliefs and see them beat the next woman. Stop victim bashing yes we are responsible and my child helped me leave but I am still just as scared for her safety now. Our courts are the problem recourses are the problem. If you need a better example look at rosie battie our Australian of the year. She left and look what still happened to her son.
I am one of these mums right NOW thank you for putting more GUILT onto me!! I grew up in a home like this never will I ever turn around and blame my mum who chose these men. For all to well I know going through this and I get it. I understand her reactions and decisions to how a man treated her so badly and then stalked her, put his hands around her throat.
I have been threatened to be killed and I am a confused mess. I worry he will kill us if I leave. I am sorry but I am scared if I do leave that I will not be protected. My kids wont be. I think you are responding to my post that was a few before this one.
Also we have nice possesions. Great items. Great car. We look like the ideal young family. But the only thing that isnt perfect is what people dont see.... him at home. The real him. He is so different to everyone around me. I am petrified noone will believe me after all how can I shy and hard worker be abusive.
I am trying my best even though I am going through this.
I think you worded your post very wrongly.
I have reached out to be squashed by so many uneducated people.
I have met so many women who are on the run and in hiding and yep let down by the authorities again protecting the abuser.
they are being stalked.
I am currently working with my local dv resource centre. I am trying to build my self up.
I feel for you. I have no doubt that my life would be forfeit if I leave. I just wish either he would die or he would do something so terrible that he'll go away for long enough that my kids will grow old enough to be able to refuse to see him. I would kill him myself to protect my children but then they would have no one.
You know what, when I left my abusive partner with my children I was told he had as much right to care of the children as I did, didnt matter that he punched my repeatedly in the face whilst I was holding our 2year old. The first night he had them he threatened to shoot them in the head so I had to call the police to have them removed from his home. You know what halpened? DOCS threatened to remove them from my care!! I was a broken shell of a person who stood up to my abuser and protected my children and I was made to feel like a horrible mother.
Supporting and building up mothers who have been abused is how we protect children.
The only way I will escape my abuser is if he dies. I feel terrible because I find myself wishing that that would happen.