Ok, so I've written this post about 10 times now, giving a full back story to my situation, but it's just too long and no one would read it anyway! Please just keep in mind, that I have not given up easily, I fought for my relationship, I really did try! So my question is, can people really change? Is there anyone out there who has split from their partners for a longer period of time, gotten back together and things actually worked out? (I'm aiming to separate from my husband for 6 months its been 5 days so far and it is horrible! And by aiming, it's because I always fold, take him back and things just turn back to the shitty way they were before)
My husband is an ass! He puts me down and walks all over me, in the past, my friends and even his friends have used my husband as an example of what not to be, he also suffers depression, and is medicated, I have stuck by his side through thick and thin, I have also used his depression as an excuse for his behaviour, I also feel like I am a failure for leaving him but when my children asked me "why did you and daddy get married when you don't like each other?" it kind of kicked me in the guts, and it was the straw that broke the camels back!
So, can it be done? Can people really change? Even if it can't be done, can you just tell me that it can, because maybe in 6 months I won't be so fragile, tell me that he will wake up one day and realise that his family love him and need him... and if you insist on telling me that I should walk away (as my friends always tell me) can you tell me that everything will be ok? That the world of being single in 2015, when you have 3 children, isn't horrible and as scary as I think it is... I know, why write a post and then tell people what to say lol... anyway thank you for reading.
Kind regards
x
14 Replies
Yes! It can! A six month break is THE BEST idea for you! I did it and really recommend it. I cut all contact, first we texted and called and Skype but he was still an ass in those times ( as well as begging to come back) and it wasn't helping me. I worked on my self, regained my self esteem, sense.of self, boundaries and what I will ans won't put up with. He did change. He changed his attitude, the way he appreciated me, what he does with kids and around the house.
Did he change ENOUGH? I'm.not sure... But I do know if I had of continued on the roaroad of no contact I was getting happier each step, so it would've worked out fine to, even though a week before we broke up I couldn't leave. Just Put One foot in front of the other and keep moving forward. Be honest with him, be unapologetically selfish, and be ready that he ma. Not wait and try to change, and that's good for you too.
I'm so happy to hear it's worked out for you! If anything this gives me strength to stick to my plan, even if I convince myself its for his sake! Our communication is limited which suits me well, except he is still walking all over me, if I text him, he deliberately waits hours or until late at night to reply, and doesn't actually answer my questions, ignores them but expects me to answer him! He's made plans for the weekend so can't see the kids, which hurts all of us! He still has keys to my house and can detour on his way home from work, I've asked him not to and so far he has respected that. I am currently at the unapologetic and selfish part, or trying to be!
Did you ease back into your relationship? Or took him back whole heartedly?
I would maybe change the locks, just in case things turn ugly, he sounds a bit manipulative and that can make people unpredictable. It would also set in stone the separation because there wild be actual bounties.
He is incredibly manipulative, which I'm used to due to my mother being bipolar, hence why I've put up with it for so long, it was only in the last 3 months I have started to realise my pattern, moving from my mother onto my husband, unfortunately I cannot change the locks, it's a rental as we weren't able to buy because of his bad credit (even though I managed to save enough money for a house deposit) we still had 18 months before his credit cleared and we were able to buy, I am looking into moving, as I am unsure if I will be able to afford the rent, but my area is priced similar, I'm currently in a 4 bedroom house, a 2 bedroom town house is maybe $20 a week less, so is it worth it? My only other option is moving back with my parents, and while my relationship with my mother is currently good, that doesn't usually last too long, so I doubt that would be a suitable option either
No I didn't take him back whole heartedly, our relationship grew again and new and I'm still not completely in it. However it's working for now, we coparent so well and respect each other and I can honestly say that if the time comes in the future that we split, I know I'll be fine with that. I'm in a totally different head space than before, and right now I am happy, relaxed and fulfilled and supported so if it did end I wouldn't walk away crushed and defeated and lost as I did the first time.
WE might find a way to work around the few small issues we still have, I guess it's still your question just pushed even further, can someone change enough? My psychologist actually said no, and eventually I'll plan to leave again, but there's also nothing wrong with staying and not making any changes right now while things are good. personally though, I am happy and whole and know I owuldnt be anywhere close to living like this ( with or with out him) if I hadn't taken that time out and regained my self and my independence from hanging on fighting for the relationship that's not working. Plus I agree, the more you step back, the clearer you see the bullshit and really want nothing to do with it, you actually lose your feelings for him, so if he doesn't change, it won't break you, it'll push you on further, so there's really nothing for yiu to lose and a whole lot to gain. Good luck x
And dont cave ro his crying begging bullshit. You know it's temporary and means nothing, you're not better, he's not better so his words are empty right now. Don't take his calls if you now this is when he breaks you. Words are nothing, time and actions speak.and if he can do that is everything, begging and manipulating you for a weekend is completely nothing and it's all part of the cycle you want nothing todo with! So don't even engage in the conversation, it'll drain you mentally and emotionally and suck you back in. Shut him down as soon as he Starts it And tell him bluntly it's meaningless to you,and to stop the emotional rollercoaster you're not interested there's nothing he can say right now he has to do the work and prove it over time, and right now - leave you alone and stop putting his emotional needs and stress on you, it's selfish! ( see I warned you, blunt & unapologetically selfish! Lol)
No he won't change! Because he doesn't want to.
Being single in 2015 is not terrible. The first 12 months of being on your own can be hard but once you get your feet on the ground, get a routine and settled things are FANTASTIC! I've been single for a long time now. I love it. I'm in charge of everything. I make the decisions and best of all I don't have some arsehole making my life a living hell and in turn making my kids lives hell!
Now I'm going to be perfectly honest, it took work for me to get there. It didn't magically happen. Because there is something screwed up in you and I that makes us think that being treated like shit is better than being single. So I went to counselling and rebuilt my self esteem. Learnt to understand that I don't need a man, and understand how addictive toxic relationships are. And now I can't believe I put up with that crap as long as I did and I'm not vaguely tempted to go back. I'm really happy, I have friends, I am financially fine (not rich). If a truly great guy comes along for me great, but if he doesn't that's fine too, because I'm happy.
Wow! I love this! So much of this speaks volumes! I have found myself wishing that he would cheat on me, or hit me just so I had an excuse to hate him, but every once in a while I'd get those comments that would make my heart skip a beat, or even after 9 years, how when he smiles at me, I still get butterflies! but those moments are so rare now.
I was trying to get into counselling, but when seeing our GP (we share the same one) I suggested getting my husband into counselling first.
Financially I am petrified! I called Centrelink yesterday to get things rolling but that will take a few weeks, I'm currently studying and I've been applying for jobs since Jan with no success, and now it gets harder as I don't have his support so I'm more restricted with finding a job too!
It took me to change my mind set financially. I really had to accept that I didn't need everything we had before, that small (tiny) was better and happier than living in emotional stress. Than living simply and proudly was much better than extra money and emotional stress.
Financially I am great at budgeting, my worry is how much I will get from Centrelink, as I can't take on a job in my current situation, maybe in about 2-3 months I will be able to, as long as I can pay the bills and rent, I can cook cheap meals and I'm stocked up on meat for a while too, if it gets too bad, I do have savings I can use (and the less that is in there means the less I have to give him if we do get divorced) and my parents are happy to help me financially whenever I need it also. I'm just a huge stress head!
In my opinion and my personal experience they can't :-( May not be what you wanted to hear but if you promise to give it 6 months I assure you will begin to see things for what they are. Who he really is will become clearer. Then your decision will be based less on emotion and more on what you need and want from a reltionship. Honestly it only been 5days! Please be kind to yourself and just gift yourself time. I am also single and have been for near 2 years. It is 100% better than having someone make you feel this way :-( good luck babe...
I know, 5 days is nothing, we have been at this point many, many times before, it has never lasted over a week though, so I think if I can get to two weeks I'll be better, I'm focusing 1 day at a time, and when I jump to far and start thinking of my future, that's when I start getting emotional, I just needed to post this now, because I always fold, I always give in, 5 days is usually the point where he starts feeling sorry for himself and wanting to come home, so he starts sucking up and I cave! The kids have been taking it well so far, but they are probably used to this, I think by next week I will be better, but they will be worse, my youngest has taken to sleeping in my bed, mostly because I've stopped taking him back to his bed now.
Keep plodding along mumma :-( Day at a time is a good idea. It is hard but focus on the kids. My daughter started co sleeping as well. They just need a little more comfort. They go through the separation too. Hugs lovely!
It's not bad enough you abandoned your own marriage Tasha now your trying to encourage other venerable women to do the same to their husbands and families...Mind your own business and keep your nose out of others personal lives is what I believe you need to encourage and learn upon Natasha:-) Good luck babe and give yourself a big hug and uppercut from myself and other woman you given a bad name and reputation too:-