I need some help and advice as I am at a loss as to what to do next.
I have a 13 year old daughter who for the last 3 years has had huge huge rage moments( hours and hours of screaming),compulsive lying and when she isnt in trouble talks a mile a minute like nothing has happened .
We reached break point at the start of the year, she told a lie that she was being abused by me because she had been in trouble and wanted to run away to a family members house and i told her no. this started a snow ball of trouble which at the time she said she was sorry for but now each time about 3 times a week now throw it out there that she will do it again to cause me pain and to make sure everything i love is taken away from me.
So after waiting on the public list for a counselor for 12 mths and being declined in the end because she was no longer 12, i took her to headspace for assistance after the abuse accusations to try and work out whats going on with her. they have requested she see a psychologist but made it clear it was up to her which i understand completely. Now this is the problem I cant make her go but now her siblings are telling me they are worried she will lash out at them again as she has in the past and hurt them( she is the youngest of 4), in her rages she spits venomous words things that should never be said by an adult let alone a child. I honestly dont know what to do next, we have a appointment at the gp next week to try and get a mental health plan completed and hopefully get her hormone levels checked to ensure it isnt that. she is wearing us all down and if she chooses to not get help i dont know the next step or where to turn next. I cant help her if she wont let me. I need some advice, what are my options? any hints or tips from anyone who has been here and how it turned out. I love her i do but i dont know how much more I can take before there is no coming back.
5 Replies
I would definitely ignore headspaces advice and take her to a psychologist wether she likes it or not! She is 13, your entire family is at risk. Sure is it preferable that she goes by choice, hell yeah! But your other kids are scared of her. I'd even consider a psychiatrist because a psychologist can't write scripts. So if it turns out it's something she needs medication for you'd be starting the process again. Also make yourself aware of your local mental health crisis unit.
You poor things. Both of you. It sounds so hard for you right now and it also sounds so hard for your daughter.
Behind anger is usually fear, hurt or frustration. She could be experiencing all of these things at once. Being a teenager is beyond terrible for the emotional rollercoaster. Maybe you need to figure out why she would be feeling these things - does she feel that you don't love her, is she struggling to find independence etc. I don't think she would be raging just to drive you crazy. If you think she's doing it to drive you crazy you will respond to her in a way that shows that. If you think she is doing it from a legitimate emotional need you will respond to her in a way that shows that.
Also, it doesn't sound like this is just a 'teenage daughter' problem, this sounds like its a family problem. She may need to see a counsellor, but surely it would be beneficial for you to see someone too - to vent, to seek support on coping strategies and parenting strategies, and also to figure out how your thinking about her 'how much more I can take before there is no coming back' may shape the way you respond to her.
This sounds as if my mum wrote this about me when I was 13. When my dad walked out I lost it I lied I drunk I broke all the rules possible and was so violent to my younger sibling. My advice is get her onto a gp and onto antidepressants and to persist with a counsellor they are expensive but you can get most of it back on Medicare- it may take time for her to accept either- mum would take me to a psych and I wouldn't talk for sessions on end- I am now 22 and it's only been for the last three years were I've accepted help were I now take my medication and see a counsellor on my own choice even though it took me years to accept help that was me and not your daughter so don't ,et that deter you. Medication is a blessing it helps incredibly with my moods so my anger and hurt now instead of being at a destructive level is mild enough where I can keep my tongue in check from saying something from the point of no coming back into an actual sit down and we will work this out conversation. Just continually let her know she is loved but she is hurting you...make her know she is not a disappointment to you though hope this helps at all
Have you tried having her drug tested? I know someone who went through the same thing not long after her daughter turned 12. She started hanging with the wrong crowd and doing drugs and then by 13 she was sleeping around. She skits out like the way you say your daughter does. Not so much anymore but still occasionally. She's nearly 16 and only atarted to calm almost 12 months after being off the drugs. Good luck.
im not sure if what im about to write you comfort you or make you feel better. but id like to share my experience as a child with a sibling close in age who behaved just like this. it started around the age of 12 when she would fly off the handle when she didn't get what she wanted, then it was stealing money, smoking and skipping school. always blaming me when she was caught out. she used to physically attack me and my younger siblings and did her best to turn all my friends away from me. come 13 she was even worse, mum and dad had tried all you have to get her help, but she had now decided she wanted to move out. clearly she wasn't allowed to so she went to the police and said dad has been sexually abusing her. she was taken by family services and mum and dad had to fight a lengthy legal battle to stop docs from removing me from the home. as well as paying tens of thousands of dollars to fight the accusations against my dad. we had to leave the town we were living in and my dad almost lost his job (he was a college teacher). during this time mum was only allowed to see my sister with supervision, this affected her so much, as it did the rest of the family. my relationship with father will never be the same (I was always daddys girl) but from that day he stopped doing anything alone with me, not for fear of e doing something similar but he didn't want t be in a situation where someone else could have reason to be suspicious. thankfully the case was eventually dropped and about a year after that my sister just decided she wanted to come home. while she was living with her foster family she had the freedom she wanted and to this day I believe the reason we are so different is a mixture of just who she is a her not having the same upbringing as i did through my teenage years. I can say though she now has a fairly great relationship with both of our parents. but just speaking from my experience all you can do is do your best, and know you want what is best for her. and do not blame yourself. we had exactly the same upbringing and though I wont pretend I was a perfect teenager I firmly believe there was nothing my parents did to make my sister do what she did. for her it was a means to an end. big hugs and please be kind to yourself!