I had my lovely son 3 years ago via caesarean section because he was breech. I was disappointed I wasn't going to be able to give birth naturally but I tried to tell myself at the time that I would get another chance. Fast forward to next month and it looks like #2 is breech as well so I won't be able to attempt the VBAC I was hoping for. There is apparently very little chance of it turning at this stage and we only want two so that is it for me.
I don't think I had a romantic view of childbirth as there have been some genuinely terrible births in my family. My friends tell me not to 'worry', but I think that they don't understand that what I am feeling isn't worry. It is a form of grief. Every time I think about the fact that I'm never ever going to experience actual childbirth I just start to cry. It's not that I had visions of candles and incense or even that I didn't want any form of intervention (I fully expected I would want an epidural). But having an appointment to have a baby just seems so wrong and cold and clinical. I think I just wanted some of the uncertainty maybe, as silly as that sounds? Just to experience one single contraction, or my waters breaking and a rush to hospital...
I know in my head it makes me no less of a woman or mother but I had a close call with PND after the birth of my son due partly to feeding issues and a psychiatrist I saw referred to some people seeing breastfeeding and childbirth as rites of passage. I think that is the issue for me. That I'll never get to experience that thing that women over history have experienced. On a more practical note I had a slight hope that actually labouring (even if it ended in another caesarean) would help with breastfeeding so now I'm quite nervous about that again, but I have seen a lactation consultant to try to see me through that.
Anyway I feel a bit silly sharing this. I know I'm lucky to live in a time and place with relatively safe births. I have had miscarriages as well and know I should be 100% glad to be this far through. I see posts about gender disappointment and feel like it is a slightly silly thing to get so upset about and I know this is quite similar. And yet... I guess I'm wondering from other people who felt genuinely disappointed with 'elective' caesareans that weren't so elective and how they got over it. I just dread years of women sitting around discussing birth stories and just having to say 'well I turned up at 7am and they pulled the baby out' and feeling that little bit less for it.
4 Replies
It's not silly, I think it's a sign we live in a privileged country with a very high live birth rate.
Think about it, if you lived in a third world country or 100 years ago you would consider childbirth a dangerous experience and be great full for access to a safe medical procedure that results in a live baby and love mum.
Birthing is not the easy, natural, spontaneous thing that some people claim. For me I had a vaginal birth but my son was lucky to come out alive. There was no waters breaking rush to the hospital excitement. I was already in hospital.
I think focusing on what you do have, not what you didn't or won't get is so much the point here. I have my live baby, my mum has 3 live babies thanks to c-sections. It's time to thank our lucky stars.
Ive had 3 children and all 3 where via csection. I thing the biggest thing that effects ppl like you is other mothers. People that believe if you dont have a child naturally your not a real mother and all that other rubbish that goes with it. Instead of consentrating on the birth consentrate on your baby. If a csection is the safest way for baby to be born then why wouldnt you have a section?? At the end of the day as long as mother and baby is healthy then thats all you can hope for.
Everything you wrote is exaxtly how i feel too.
I am 36 weeks pregnant with a breech baby and I am a FTM.
I too havent romanticized birth in my mind, but I do feel like I am missing out on the most natural thing we as women are programmed to do.
Sure, like you I am grateful we live in a time where we have incredibly low rates of maternal death compared to that of 100 years ago, but labouring birth is apart of the natural procession of life, and I am scared I will miss the opportunity like yourself.
I think our feelings are extremely valid and all we can do is acknowledge them and their presence, and accept them for what they are. We feel ripped off. Or cheated out of an unforgettable experience.
People say none of this matters, but it does. Its definitely matters when you simply dont have a choice. Though the only thing that makes me feel a little bit better about the situation is less risk of the baby getting its head stuck and resulting in an emergency c, which i personally prefer to avoid as I have GDM and already at risk of having a bigger baby.
I also havent had people make me feel less of a woman or think that its any less than giving birth, so I am lucky I have a lot of understanding and support from family.and friends who validate my feelings but i guess we also need to consider the other side of it too:
A lot of my gfs that had VBACs either had severe tearing or cutting. Two of my gfs had prolapsed uterus' and were unable to be intimate with their husbands for a long time. One friend couldnt have sex in over 12 months and she required an operation to fix her prolapse and my other gf had 12 months of physio and had sex maybe 5 times in one year.
Another friend ended upin ICU away from her newborn for 24 hours as she bled so much and had to have blood transfusions.
These are just 3 war stories from 3 close friends, so there definitely is a lot of things that potentially can go wrong and I guess the one thing we can be grateful for is not having the risks of a prolapse or troubles with intimacy....and these issues will last a lot longer than the disappointment we feel.
But i understand you're feelings 100%!!!
I felt exactly the same way with my 2 :(
New Mr is 8 weeks ans a failed vbac. I managed to get him to turn using the techniques on spinningbabies.com
After a really long few days we ended up with failure to progress and a cs anyway.
Don't feel silly for not wanting a neat surgical hand over. I agree that it sort of takes to magic out of it. Discuss with your Dr having bub placed straight on your chest when delivered, it will give you some of the experience. I wasn't able to do this as it was classed as emergency but if you are able to plan then it can't hurt to ask.
Good luck and I hope bub turns just in time x