Think this is probably the best way to ask the question and gain different views and opinions. I have just put both of my children 7 and 4 to bed without dinner and feel like the worse parent ever, but lost as to what to do next for the sheer fact they have been naughty, misbehaving, rude playing mum against dad etc etc.. there is so much more but too-much to list..
This has been building up for a while and we have be discipling them both, removing toys and treats, time out, quiet time, giving chores, clean eating, the occasionally smack but still not getting through to our children this behaviour is not tolerated... mum and dad work full time hours and need to work to afford the basic living..
Just wanting to know if other parents have done this or if there is a better option... Please don't be too harsh as this mumma is beyond fragile ATM...;(
Thanks so much in advance...
9 Replies
I think we've all wanted to send the kids to bed before dinner for one reason or another - mine today was that my kids were looking straight at me while doing what I had asked them not to then laughing. Oh how I wish I was strong enough to make them go to bed so I could have some wine and peace and quiet!
I would probably be more inclined to give them a very bland dinner they won't enjoy as much as some dinners (plain meat and veg?), then to send them to bed without dinner because they are still growing.
BUT, in saying that, if it works for you then it works and you may eventually get the desired results.
However, I know when I was a kid I usually wasn't that fussed to go to bed without dinner - I didn't eat much of it anyway.
Is there any other way you can think of? Do they have electronic equipment they use - computer time, xbox, playstation, tvs - take them away or make them earn their electronic time.
Chin up though. Go get a wine - it's quiet time!
I have threatened the no dinner tactic to my eight year old, believe me, she is a handful! she is very spoilt by her father!! not me! lol and is ignorant....... i have sent her to bed without dinner but within an hr of her being in bed and still not asleep i felt bad and made her something without her knowing, then walked in her room and said ' eat this then go to bed ' ..... its not that we are bad parents, sometimes we are at the end, we dont know what else to do.... i would not be able to let her go to bed without something in her belly, thats just me tho, other parents may be stronger, i say to her over and over, that she will learn a lesson but then i give in . good luck to you IM .. if its what you think you should do, then do it! I know many other mums/dads who have done it, their kids are all good and have learnt!!!!!!
We give bread and water sometimes instead of no dinner. But in all honesty it doesn't seem to phase our boys when that happens! I think they know that no matter what we aren't going to starve them or give them bread and water every day. Not sure of the ages of your children, mine are young 3&5. When things get to the absolute limit we just remove everything from them, all toys disappear, no tv, no treats, etc until they can show they are doing the right thing. The biggest thing is consistency. And no idle threats, so if you say something you must do it! They learn very quickly how to manipulate! Good luck, take a deep breath, tomorrow is always another day xxx
Personally this is not an approach I'd use. I believe that for a punishment to be effective it needs to have a direct relationship to the behaviour that caused it. I also feel that taking away a basic human need (even just once) will instil a fear of being deprived and I would rather the lesson be learnt rather than enforced so to say.
Proceed with consistency, ensure that your kids are taught manners, gratitude for what they have, family values and discipline them according to their behaviour not how you feel and you might have some more success.
Also just another thought, are the children consuming something that could be contributing towards their behaviour? Eg. Too much processed food, colours, additives etc.
Good luck mumma!
Agree with this post totally!
To me, punishment should be immediate and where at all possible have a direct relationship to the behaviour that caused it as you say. I try to use natural consequences where possible.
I believe I am a strict Mum, but I could never do bed without dinner.
Another question, are your expectations age appropriate? Children will constantly misbehave. It's to be expected. It's our job to constantly remind them of what behaviour is desirable.
For example, if they run in the house, you say, "walk please" Because if you say, "don't run" They actually hear the word run. Now, expect to have to say, "Walk please" every 5 minutes, because that's how long their attention span is. Getting overly angry because you've had to repeat yourself a couple of times is not age appropriate expectations. Whereas if you expect you will have to repeat it 10 times, then you won't be as frustrated and angry when you do have to keep repeating it.
Sounds to me like you just need to keep doing what your doing, but just expect that you are going to have to keep doing what you are doing. Every day, groundhog day. That's just the way it works.
This may sound alittle old school but my grandparents used to do digging holes. They would pick a spot in the garden give u a shovel and told to dig, while digging we would have to think about why we where their. It worked got u thinking about what u did wrong and got u tied at the same time. I can remember a few times digging holes in the garden, lucky my grandparents had a big back yard cos after awhile their where a heap of holes everywhere :)
I've been tempted, oh so tempted...but I realised food is not a punishment and food is not a treat - it's the types of food that fill these roles. I found the best revenge for poor behaviour was to dish my sons least favourite food every night until his behaviour improved. Mushrooms, Broccoli, Button Squash, Brussel Sprouts - they were all on my side and I definitely won in the long run. Now I just have to threaten one of these foods for at least some behavioural improvement. I hope it works for you too.
Do not feel like the worst parent ever, we all go through this. It is frustrating and disappointing when we work so hard, most times to give our children a good life, only to have them disrespect us, and treat us like crap. I feel it has a little to do with this generation (an age old excuse haha), but our upbringing really was different to theirs. We cannot let the kids go out and play all day without supervision anymore, everything is computers or ipods or nintendos etc..... anyway, to digress slightly, punishment given where punishment is due. As long as they actually understand why they have been punished. Simplify it and sit them down and tell them why they have 'hurt your feelings' and why they went to bed without dinner. I was ready to send mine to boarding school lol, but have started working one on one. I have chore charts set up - and every little chore, however little, gets a reward at the end of the week. Whether it be pocket money or lollies or whatever they want, if they have tried really hard I give credit where credit is due. It is hard, do not get me wrong, every day I have to prepare myself for the school pick up!! But I find yelling only agitates the situation, and then they feel they can yell back. Sometimes when Dad has had enough, and is exasperated, I say to them to leave Dad alone for the night and I work with them to give him a breather, and he does the same for me when I am having a tough day. I work on a day to day basis as I do not know what kind of mood I get from them. A lot of patience, a lot of hard work. You are not the only one going through this, we mums are all amazing and forget that sometimes. You should be very blessed that you have healthy children that you are working to provide a wonderful life for. Noone is perfect. But the fact that you feel guilty shows how much you love them. I am sending you big hugs because it sounds like you a trying to do an amazing job, and it does get easier! xx
I did a parenting course that was very practical and I found worked well. It's called PPP, triple P. Ask your gp if they know where you can do it and get a referral. One thing I learnt was always make discipline a 'logical consequence'. Eg, playing rough with a toy, remove the toy. (Obviously basic example...) then say you will give the toy back in 10 min and you look forward to seeing them play nicely with it. Therefore you always give them an opportunity to do the positive. In 10 min give it back. Don't revisit the negative. Perhaps too, if you are so busy working full time, remember to take time out for yourselves. Take it in turns with your hubby on the weekend to have a few hours to yoursel. And maybe you need to reconnect with the kids on a fun level. Maybe a special outing together or just with mum or dad on the weekend. Look into the course you won't regret it. Hang in there xxx