I need some advice. Im 17 weeks pregnant and I have just walked out of a long term relationship because of his violence and controlling ways, he use to watch my every move wanted to know what I was doing and when, had to know my Facebook password my email and phone passwords he use to check my car ks and all that stuff, accused me all the time that i was cheating on him, wouldn't let me have friends and i had to cut away all my family as he made me believe there were manipulating me because they saw that he was abusive right from the start and he didnt want them to let me know. He use to expect me to do all the house work because i didn't work and he did which i was okay with but it was to the point he would come home and i would be in trouble if there was one dish in the sink or the bench hadn't been wiped down, or there was a few crumbs from his daughter on the table he expected me to keep the house like a show home. When he would leave for work he would leave his bath towel on the floor for me to pick up and when he arrived home i would have to pick up his socks. And he told me he expected me to do this, that it was taking the pressure off his long days and helping him our. i was cleaning mould and using harsh chemicals when i was pregnant which can be bad for a fetus because if i didn't clean it would not be done. He never let me sleep when i was tired when he was awake i had to be even though the hormones were making me tired. One day he ended up smashing my car keys and phone so i could not leave the house during an argument about my 'laziness' i hit him because he would not let me leave the house forcing the door to be shut not letting me pass him and he tackled me to the floor and hit the ground next to me head heaps telling me i don't deserve my baby or a family that i am crazy, this was when i realized he was abusive and it wasn't me. I have ended up in hospital with a threatened miscarriage after a fight about me having a nap in the day and not picking up his socks, he yelled at me all the way to the hospital and while i was there, i was in so much pain i was so scad and he did not care he told me it was my body rejecting the baby as i am not strong enough to carry her. He always told me he is the only one in the world who wanted me and that i cant be with out him, i believed him for a long time, i soon contacted a friend and she helped me escape. Its ben a month now and he is now telling me i am sick that i have split personality and cant see that i am the problem not him. He booked a borderline personality class for me and said that i have to go to get help that if i dont i wont be able to be a ''fit parent'' he said he has to come and to my drs too as i will be lying to them and denying that i have bpd and he will tell them the truth. I have slowly started to believe him and professional support is telling me its him not me. But is it? He tells me im going to be a bad mother for not trying with him for the baby and he will tell her that mummy wanted her to grow up in a spit family, this is my worst frear i dont want her to but i am to scrad to go back to him.
My main question is is it wrong that i have taken this unborn child away from its father? And her half sister? Am i a bad mum for doing this? I am trying to do what is best for her i dont want to stress the baby any more.
Baby advice
Baby advice
Posted in:
Pregnancy
9 Replies
No! It's not you. He's seeing you escape and he's trying to get the control back!! You need to seek further help, especially regarding custody of your baby. Do not go back to him, do not believe a word he says. He is the problem, not you.
Seek help with a DV service, get advice. Find legal help if you can too, and get far, far away before this baby arrives. When baby is born I'm fairly sure you do not even have to name him as the father (get advice re:this). You need to get away though. If he knows where you are it can be very dangerous.
Don't listen to him IM, you're doing the right thing protecting yourself and your baby!
No it's not wrong to be leaving! It is every bit the right decision. Because you now have a child that is going to look up to you. You are his/her example of how she should expect to be treated or how he should treasure a female partner. Honestly you need time out and to be left alone by him. Take this time before the baby comes to heal yourself. It's OK to not cope when you come out of a relationship like this. This sort of emotional abuse is just as bad if not worse than the physical. Bruises and marks heal. Emotional scars stick around for a lot longer. Please separate yourself from him totally for a while... Be seriously careful though because when I did this my ex drove himself nuts trying to get control again and became quite scary. Don't listen to threats because they are nothing more than their insecurities trying to find some leverage. It will be hard on your own but I promise you, just one day you will realise you're doing it! All alone like you were always told you couldn't. That feeling is a massive milestone in healing and you deserve that! I want to hug you and tell you it will be more than OK! Your only job is to focus on you and bub - Not him. Dare to dream because there is a beautiful future out there for you :-) And Yes seek legal advise before bub comes! Imperative!
Kelly here - from the IM team.
I was about to schedule your question - but hit 'publish' accidentally - but I think it was meant to be as you need to hear some affirming voices as soon as possible.... It's on Facebook now.
PLEASE seek the wise counsel of other people - and don't listen to what he is telling you at this time.
People who know you - they will love you, protect you, be honest with you and help you and your children. They won't think selfishly or have own hidden agendas in what they tell you.
Big hugs - must be so hard for you at this time. I hope the mums here are able to offer you some good advice -
We're all here for you! xKelly
Go to the police now... Do what you can to get the other daughter out of that situation... IT IS NOT YOU! He is dangerous, and without you there, that child may be at risk... Do NOT believe him... You are worth so much more, and so is your baby... Go to counseling alone... You'll need it... I've been there... Eventually he'll say he's sorry, he's changed, he realises now what he put you through, blah blah blah... He isn't, he hasn't, he doesn't... Speak to police... I know I've already said that, but do it... Right now... Log off, and go and see them... Your life is at risk... Stay safe mumma bear, you're the only thing your child has right now...
You've done the right thing. And good on you for finding the strength to put yourself first. Most definitely keep with your professional support system, they will help you to build your strength which you need for both yourself and your bub. I was in a similar situation and it so hard to break free and change the cycle but you have to keep moving forward! Don't let him bully you into disbelieving in yourself. An abuser will always use that attack and its cowardly. You're amazing for taking the step out. Keep focusing forward and you will soon believe in yourself. Good luck IM.
No You have done the RIGHT thing leaving because he is the one who is not fit to be a father. Cut all contact he does not deserve to have anything to do with you or your child because he is a horrible and abusive man. Never let the controlling lies make u doubt yourself again. Look forward and know that you must look after yourself first now because your baby needs you xo
Well done for leaving that idiot, taking positive steps forward for you and your baby. He sounds like a very evil man. Get him out of your life quick smart. The other mums are right. Go to the police, shelter somewhere so you are free from him and narcissistic ways. Staying with him will be the worst thing you can do. He may hurt your baby or take her away from you. Trust me when the baby comes into your life you will know what's best for her and he isn't one of them. Good luck.
Stay strong! Honey you are right he is abusive
Run far away. Hide and never let him find you. I promise you it's him, all him and not you. If he contacts you say you miscarried and for him never to contact you again.
Close your Facebook account and any other social media accounts, change your email, disconnect your mobile and get a new number that is unlisted and private. Heck change your name if you need to.
If you start a social media account again don't use your real name, use an alias which he will never know is you, don't put photos online of your or the child, then he will not see them.
Don't put his name on the birth certificate, If you require financial assistance and Centrelink ask who the father is for child support or family tax benefit etc just say you don't know who it is. Sounds awful but atleast you and the child will be safe. As they will tell you they can get child support even if he has no access to the child which is true but he will be able to find you and have a link to the child and go through the courts for a paternity test and for access visits.
I wish I had done this. I left an abusive relationship when I was pregnant with my daughter and I wish I had the guts to tell my ex that I miscarried, took out an AVO as soon as I left, and changed all my details then I would never have had to go through an agonizing family law court battle to then have to watch my daughter go to supervised visits and be anxious and stressed out all the time and upset and frightened.