Hi mums!
I'm just after a bit of advice/reassurance. My situation is, I'm 20 years old & have a young son who I had through AI (home insemination) due to being warned of my endometriosis and that infertility is sometimes the case if it gets severe. Mine wasn't severe but the thought petrified me so I went seeking a donor & found one. It was all successful (donor is anon & has no idea it was successful) any who! 2 years later & I am longing for a sibling for my little dude. He is amazing with his cousins & friends bubs and I have no doubt he will make an amazing brother. I've found a donor, this time it will be more of a co parenting situation, he is gay & is desperately wanting a child. We get along great and have known each other for just over a year, we have discussed parenting values, housing situation etc etc and are on the same page for everything. He has offered to pay for a solicitor and get contracts drawn up for my peace of mind. (Please don't start warning me of everything that can get messy, I've already aware) any who we will be trying as of November, so there will be almost 3 years between the children.
My questions are
- has anyone been in a similar situation?
- has anyone done AI before that I can message to ask a few questions
- mums with children 2.5 years apart, how do you find it?
- has anyone made the decision to add to their family but once it happens you miss how it was with just you & child #1?
- in regards to getting contracts drawn up, is there anything anyone can suggest which we may not have thought of to discuss/have in writing?
- my family were quite accepting of my situation and shared my excitement with my son but I know this time the attitude will be 'you've already got your child, why have another one' or 'why don't you wait, you might meet someone in a few years'
I know that if the pregnancy is successful I'm going to be really scared to share the news in fear of such judgement, any advice?
I too have thought why don't I wait to meet someone but I've tried, I've been going on dates for over a year now & have not clicked with anyone. There is also the point of, I don't want there to be a big age gap between the children, I want him to group up with a best friend.
Any thoughts opinions, advice or sharing of similar experiences would be amazing!
Many thanks x
7 Replies
well I hope your lawyer has let you know of the standing in relation to case law on the issue.....unless you use a turkey baster he is liable for child support and you basically look at regular family law mess regardless of contracts. because they aren't worth anything and the moment someone changes their mind its void.
A friend went the anonymous baster route the family even being fundamentalist christian's got over it....because it was easier to stomach than the fact that she was Bi, or the child she already had to a marriage which failed....ironic huh.
she just brought a kit off a website and baster is your uncle.....
I understand where you are coming from on age differences and wanting to have children now rather than wait and risk it. it is why my daughters are all so close in age. I will warn you though about 2009 5 years after my youngest was born the endometriosis symptoms were severe and overtook even knee and spinal injuries for impact on my mobility etc. keeping up with 3 primary schoolers wasn't easy and it was a case of dragging through as best I could until they were more independent and could walk where they were going or catch the buses.
I didn't start out as a single mum, but I wound up one. in some ways it would've been easier starting out as a single mum and I envy you that, but what he is a minority of men so shouldn't compel all women to simply start off single mums.
there is always a bit of missing how it was before and recognising how different it is with the arrival of each baby....babies are a bit of a shock to any system.
I found the 1 year difference they have the closest relationship they really are the best of friends....the youngest 2.5 years younger than the middle child.....is exceptionally head strong independent and knows how to be heard......her best friend lives on the other side of the tracks and she frequently jumps between both homes. it works for her and her friends mum and I don't stress over it....it makes for peace in both homes.
Thanks so much for your response! My child now was Turkey Baster as will be the future/second Bub.
I'm aware that he can fight for 50/50 custody, and to be honest if that happens, great! I know he will be an amazing father & he deserves to see the child as much as I.
He lives in another state but travels for work - he has a well paying job, so will visit probably monthly. We have agreed on a child support amount too & he has offered to go privately as our own agreement or through the child support agency.
He wants to do everything on my terms so I feel comfortable about the situation. He has also agreed for Bub to have my last name so that both I & my 2 children with have the same last name.
We have also discussed that if anything were to happen medically etc & I was struggling on my own, that he would move back here or pay for help (eg cleaner/nanny)
He is so appreciative of me giving him this opportunity, as I'm a appreciative that I can give my son a sibling.
Thanks again for your response! Very much appreciated :)
that is ABSOLUTELY SPECTACULAR! I really hope it works out for you all!
Im just going to say it, dating for a year is not very long at all.
Yeah, I agree. But I don't even WANT to date or be in the scene, my priority is to give my son a sibling & be a mother. If I meet someone along the way, perfect! If not that's also fine with me :)
totally reasonable :)
Wow! Youre only 20! If you want a donor as father thats up to you, but saying youve been on a years worth of dates and havent clicked is absolutely ridiculous! Give yourself some time! I was happy getting out and living when i was 20 and didnt settle down with kids until i was 32! I know you mentioned youre worried about having kids a bit later in life but 1) theres IVF 2) what if you find someone while you're pregnant but that perfect person cant handle raising someone elses kid and walks away. I know theres "noble" men out there that would and have done that but theyre few and far between! 3) how will you feel sharing your 2nd child? This guy is gay - hes not going to live under the same roof as you for the next 18 years.
As for children 2.5 yrs apart. Mine are 20 months apart. I wouldnt change it, although i do feel sorry for the almost 3 yr old as she is really missing the one on one and gets extremely jealous of her little sibling. Theyre half sister is 7 and they adore eachother and love playing together.
Give yourself a couple extra years to find someone and he may be your soul mate.