I cannot stop arguing with my almost 4 year old son. We are both exactly the same, very stubborn. From breakfast to bed time we argue about everything. He just seems incapable of listening to instructions and I seem incapable to let him get away with not listening. I wish I could just choose my battles but I feel like if I let him not eat meals, not pack up toys, talk back to adults, throw tantrums etc I'm letting him be the "boss" in our relationship. I was brought up to respect my elders and my son just doesn't seem to be able to do that.
My husband lets him get away with more than I do... I just seem to be unable to be as tolerant as my husband. Im a SAHM and my husband only sees my son for about an hour a day so I'm sure that has something to do with it but my son is so much more willing to listen to him than me. They also seem to have a better relationship than I do with my son, which of I'm honest, upsets me. (I haven't ever admitted that before).
I've tried naughty spot, time out in a bed room, sticker charts, ignoring bad behaviour and rewarding good behaviour, light smacks but nothing works. He doesn't alter his behaviour one little bit. I don't know where to go from here. I don't want this type of relationship with my little man.
Sometimes I wonder how he can even still love me because all I seem to do is be on his back about something.
What do I do IMs? Please help, I'm desperate. I don't want to be so frustrated with my son, I'm scared our mother / son relationship is breaking apart.
3 Replies
Well you said it yourself, arguing all day long isn't working for you. He's four, it's all he knows how to do. You need to be the one to change this situation. You said It doesn't make him respect you, it doesn't make you the boss, it doesn't help you Enjoy each others company. So isn't it time to try something else.
Perhaps look at different strategies differentlY. For example, choosing your battles isn't weak. It can give him independence, a chance for him to show you something of his own creation or decision, a chance for you to be proud, and to build And strengthen your relationship As parent child, which will in turn build his respect of you and him being less objecting on the instances you need To Enforce a rule.
It's a pperfectly normal part of four year old development to want to control their own world. To make decisions, have choices, be the boss. For me, it seems much saner to embrace and encourage that any time you can. Support, praise his accomplishments help him when he fails, be there to pick him up again and you will build a confident happy little man who respects you for the support you are and for what you have taught him, the trust you have in him And the close relationship you have built.
Firstly what ever behaviour strategy you use needs to consistent for at least a month. People make the mistake of thinking they will see an instant improvement but what actually happens is you see an increase in the behaviour to start with then a gradual decrease. Most people give up on a strategy when they see the increase.
Also there is a difference between following through and arguing. You want to be following through. So before you give your son an instruction make sure you are in front of him and get eye contact and say in a firm voice 'Go do/get ....' Count to 3 seconds for him to comply if he doesn't comply then repeat in a firmer voice 'go .,.,' then take him by the hand and take him to do it.
He will learn that way that what you say goes and that it's not up for negotiation.
If he does go the first time praise the shit out of him!
Also make sure you aren't giving him lots of instructions all day. Cut back to a handful that you know you are going to carry through on. When all we do is give directions they get lost in a sea of chatter and run into a meaningless sea of noise.
hes at an age where he wants some control over his life, compromise with him. leave the room messy, or leave the uneaten breakfast, he will learn that if he doesnt eat it he will be hungry! also dont yell and argue all the time, as its only teaching him that the way to solve an argument is to yell and argue. explain to him Why you want him to eat, or clean up toys in a nice calm tone. watch a few episodes of super nanny! she has some great points on taming preschoolers. also spend tins with him doing fun stuff like going to the park, pool etc and he may feel happier and thus be willing to do as you have asked.