Hello all you lovely IM's,
I'm a long time follower and first time poster. Hoping to get some advice or even words of encouragement as feeling like a total failure.
I was subject to a lot of verbal arguments between my parents as a child and it really scared me. I remember being very young hoping they wouldn't hurt each other (there was never any physical violence but the shouting and screaming was very bad at times and seemed to be constant). As a result of my upbringing, I always swore I would never get that worked up in front of my children and would always keep arguments private.
Since becoming a mum to one with one on the way, I have realised that I probably wasn't realistic to think that every single disagreement between hubby and I would be behind closed doors and I understand and accept that some arguments happen and I believe if they are small and quickly resolved and the kids see you make up and be okay, then that is kinda ok... If you know what I mean...
But the problem I have is our arguments are getting more and more frequent and way outta control. Again, there is no physical violence nor do I feel at any threat of this but the verbal between both of us is just awful. I really think I'm to blame mainly as I know I have a very short fuse as I am in second trimester of pregnancy and finding it hard trying to cope with our toddler whilst dealing with a not so easy pregnancy this time round.
We don't have any support or help. Friends and family are either non existent or too far away so I think this has put a strain on our relatonship. It doesn't even feel like we have a relationship anymore, more like two people just living together and looking after our child and struggling through Each day. Nothing's enjoyable anymore and it's such a stress to try and do anything together as a family as I feel hubby really irritates me and no matter how many times I tell myself to have more patience with him or not expect too much for him, I always end up losing it.
I don't really know what my question is anymore but probably looking for advice on how to stay calm in stressful situations and not explode infront of the kids. The face on our darling daughter this morning when I was going totally mad at hubby was just heartbreaking and then she started crying. I'm starting to think maybe we need to seperate for a while but with no family or friends I help I would be left completely on my own and as much as hubby annoys me, he is a great father and does do more than the average dad I believe - for example, puts her to bed every night, washes up and tidys kitchen most nights... doesn't sound like much but he is a great dad and often looks after her even when he has a lot of stuff to do for work etc so I can hve a break..
Anyway that's my story. I feel a bit better just getting if off my chest so thanks for reading!
Xo
3 Replies
I agree with you, screaming matches, are not good for your kids to see but dispute resolution where you both maturely deal with your differences are really important for our kids to see. Treat disagreements like a business. Take the disagreements to a meeting. Give yourselves time to formulate your thoughts, write them down if you need to. Also it's ok to say when you get worked up, I'm gong for a drive a walk or whatever it is, let's discuss this later. Start to recognise when your escalating. You would manage to do this if you were at work so you can do it at home.
Also take regular scheduled breaks from each other. So when hubby gets home take yourself to the movies, or for a massage, or a walk. Get hubby to do the same some nights.
Brillant!
When you are raised in abuse .... happiness is boring.... so you have to unconsciously turn it into a battle. That is the pattern.... it's like any attention, mostly bad, finally gives you the power you never had as a child... and those of us with those backgrounds of abuse can give it the best to others (especially spouses), right? You are probably emotionally stronger than your hubby, so he's easy to battle with, especially if he's a nice guy and helpful ... that's tough to think, but it's true... been there, done that. Look in the mirror and say... "I am becoming my mother and turning my husband into my father...and turning my child into me as a child .... and making my children unhappy in their home"... and then say... "NO I WILL NOT BE THEM OR ACT LIKE THEM". That is called baggage... and it's easy to correct and even stop .. but you have to talk to your husband and explain how you lived... and remind yourself that you are a survivor of abuse.... You'll see things differently and make your wonderful family something YOU will be proud of. Be sure to always thank your husband for his help ... You are going to be OK, mum ... because you realize something that you know you can stop. Keeping you in my prayers!